Green Eyes

I often find myself envious of people. That is not an easy thing to acknowledge. It is certainly important to identify why this is, especially as it is definitely contributing to my being unhappy. So forgive me if this post is rather self-indulgent. I hope it is still worth sharing.

First off, I need to counter the tendency to think that because there are people worse off than me I shouldn't be unhappy. If this were true then I shouldn't ever feel happy because there are always people better off than me, right? The whole process we tend to go through of comparing ourselves to others is always a self-destructive one anyway. It is never a healthy way to think. That said, I recognise that there is an element of projection going on in this process - alone within ourselves, we tend to project our feelings, particularly our faults and flaws, onto others, even though we know at heart we are all on our own paths.

I am at a stage in life where it is frequently pointed out to me, mainly by the media rather than other people, that there are certain things I should have. Chief among these is having a career and owning my own property. These prime markers of 'life after forty' are things which, to be honest, I have basically no hope of having. Property prices in my part of the world are insane. My career prospects are all but zero. That said, I have a basic job which I enjoy, and myself and my family are relatively comfortable in our privately rented flat. We are not wealthy, but we just about have enough money to manage.

Material things used to be a big issue for me. Twenty years ago I would have had very different priorities, but these days I have come to the point where, aside from paying for life's essentials and the occasional treat, I honestly do not care about money. So I certainly don't envy others in a material sense, but what is at the root of my disquiet?

My history of mental illness would seem to be the logical source of my unhappiness in life. However, despite the ongoing battle with anxiety and the ever-present possibility of a bipolar relapse, I am basically stable and have been for years, and I have never been in a better position to deal with issues as they arise. I am high-functioning - I live a 'normal' life and have a wife and family around me. There is a caveat though. Deep down I do harbor a definite sense of unfairness at the cards life has dealt me. I wonder how my life would have gone if mental illness had not basically stolen my youth. I am envious of people who are not so afflicted.

It is difficult to state that you are of above average intelligence and are highly intellectual without sounding arrogant, but there it is! One would assume this to be a good thing, but in my experience it is more often a curse than a blessing. Our society does not seem to value strong, independent thinkers. Intellectuals have to fight through layers of dross and there are many barriers preventing them from fulfilling their potential. There is a reason why many of the great artists and revolutionary thinkers in history died poor and uncelebrated in their time. I do not claim to be at that level, but I do have an overwhelming sense that my true peers are a million miles away. I am envious of people who do not think so much.

I am envious of the 'average Joe', those people who are happy to just coast along and live an 'average' life. Those people who are happy working nine to five, coming home to watch TV, going to the pub at the weekend, or whatever. I am envious of those people who's goals eventually fit nicely into a career or who's talents lead them into business. Those people who's education actually gave them a path into a fulfilling and prosperous future doing something they love. I am envious of people who didn't spend some of the best years of their lives battling just to survive against an invisible foe that threatened to kill them.

We each have our own measures of success, which should always be a personal thing, not something dictated to us by anyone or anything else. By my own definition of success I am not unsuccessful - I have my wife and family whom I love and who love me, I have a job I enjoy, I have a home and I can get by financially. What I am though is unfulfilled. I feel I have only just arrived at 'day zero', and I have no idea how to proceed. Perhaps much of the envy I feel is natural, but it doesn't help me feel any better. I just feel selfish, and empty.

All I can do is hold on to hope, and believe that this too shall pass. “When you walk to the edge of all the light you have and take that first step into the darkness of the unknown, you must believe that one of two things will happen. There will be something solid for you to stand upon or you will be taught to fly.” - Patrick Overton

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