Wishful Thinking

Forgive me, but I'm having a moment..

Why does life have to be so hard? I pay my dues. I strive. I try so hard every moment of every day to keep it real, to be mindful of my faults and forgiving of my weaknesses, to be of service, to be good to people, to accept how things are and deal with them - but it's not enough. I still feel like a failure, even when nothing has happened to trigger such a feeling. It's as though all this hard work is just not enough..

Thing is, I have no choice but to keep on trying. Shit, let's face it, I've tried all the alternatives and they didn't work. Not caring, well that one lasts about five minutes. Far too much empathy in this soul. Far too highly sensitive to even attempt to isolate myself from feelings. Getting lost in the oblivion of self-medication is no answer either. I already know the drugs don't work, spent far too much time in that self-defeating mode. No, once you emerge from that life there is no going back..

Anyway, who am I to elevate my struggles above those of others? Is this just self-pity, or a reasonable outpouring? I can't keep it all in all the time, and I can't let it all out all the time either. I can't seem to win. I can't give up, won't give up, ever - but I am totally struggling to maintain each and every moment. Much of the time I feel as far from good as it is possible to be without being confined to four walls and just shutting down completely. Of course I'm carrying on regardless, there is simply no other way, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. Life is unfair, the world is cruel and unjust and I am just fucking sick of it all right now. And there you have it. Sorry, not sorry..

I wish I had the comfort of magical thinking to cushion me from the punches and kicks that life is throwing my way. I wish I believed in an omnipotent sky god who is up there looking out for me, holding me when I'm so ragged that I can't stand any human touch. I wish I believed in a preordained path to life, with nice little signs to light the way forward. I wish I could pray for some relief and feel lighter. Some things are true whether you believe in them or not, but some things aren't true no matter how much you want to believe in them..

Moment to moment, I'm treading water. I'm not drowning any more, that's for sure, and with some exertion I'm able to keep my head above water, as long as the waters don't get too choppy. But when the darkness inside rises and I can't keep a lid on it, and it leaches out like toxic slime, I feel myself dissociate and become helpless to prevent the poison touching others, and deep inside my soul another fracture is created. They don't deserve to be poisoned. I wish I wasn't poisonous..

The answers are in therapy, in talking it out with one who has unconditional positive regard, one who is objective and knows nothing of me and my shit. I could start today if I had money, but I simply do not have the means. Instead I wearily trudge this treadmill like an obese man with a serious heart condition, knowing I have to do the exercise but fearfully aware that I can't keep it up forever or do too much because my heart will collapse. To the system, I am a name on a waiting list of many, not a priority because I'm not holding a gun to my head and screaming that I'll blow my brains out if they don't help me. I wish they could see how destructive this all is..

I wish, I wish, I wish. Wishful thinking. No basis in reality for these wishes, a waste of thinking time. Except in this dark moment, through these tears of self-pity, by the scream that emanates from the very depths of my soul, I just need to vent. I'm only human. I am just a man. I'm momentarily floored by the magnitude of the things that have brought me to this point, the suffering that my internal battle is causing to those I hold so very dear, the unfairness of having to wait so long for help, and the fear of the monumental effort required ahead to get through this huge impasse. I hope I haven't scared you off, dear readers. It's harsh and it all seems very negative, but it is just one moment. This too shall pass..

And strangely, somehow, I feel a little better.

Copyright ©2018 Richard C. Greenlow. All rights reserved.

No Pain, No Gain

“Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult - once we truly understand and accept it - then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters.”
― M. Scott Peck

We live in a pain-avoiding culture, one that encourages quick-fix solutions to all kinds of discomfort, and fosters the idea that the most complex problems in life like personal growth and dealing with mental illness can be solved with shortcuts and simple remedies. No wonder then that we face epidemic levels of mental ill-health, and that we are not evolving as a society anywhere near our potential. We grow up in a media and technology bubble that fails to reflect the true importance and inherent value in coping and dealing with necessary and legitimate suffering in life. Instead we are brainwashed into believing that all pain is bad, and that an instant remedy is always available. No wonder we are in such a mess..

“The difficulty we have in accepting responsibility for our behaviour lies in the desire to avoid the pain of the consequences of that behaviour.”
― M. Scott Peck

The fundamental lesson we have to learn about the pain and difficulty in life is that it can be split into two kinds - legitimate, necessary suffering and unnecessary suffering. So things like dealing with change, grief and loss, physical ill-health, learning from mistakes - these are examples of legitimate, necessary suffering in life. We all have to not just endure and cope with these things but learn from them and use them to grow as a person. Then there are examples of unnecessary suffering - holding on to the past, not recognising inherent lessons in life's problems, or recognising lessons but shunning the work of learning, clinging to unhealthy coping mechanisms, allowing others to control or dictate our path in life - these are the sort of things we all do which stop us truly learning and growing in life. Continued unnecessary suffering and the avoidance of legitimate pain in our lives is at the root of most mental ill-health.

“The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.”
― M. Scott Peck

Now we get to the nub of the matter. Every time we fail to make the distinction between necessary and unnecessary pain, and seek to avoid it regardless, we stunt our personal growth. All we are really doing is choosing short term gain for long term pain. In our desire to avoid suffering we throw out the baby with the bathwater. It is not all our fault. The forces that influence us, and society as a whole, emphasise and amplify the falsehood that avoidance of pain, shortcuts and temporary remedies will work, and they do it from a very young age in many ways, from the subtle to the blatant. We are not educated to deal effectively with sadness, loss, grief etc. any more than we are taught to recognise the often subtle difference between pain and discomfort that is necessary to grow in life, and that which is unnecessary and unhealthy. It is left up to us to disentangle our mindsets and reinvent our whole way of thinking to deal effectively with, and even welcome, the pain in life.

“Abandon the urge to simplify everything, to look for formulas and easy answers, and begin to think multidimensionally, to glory in the mystery and paradoxes of life, not to be dismayed by the multitude of causes and consequences that are inherent in each experience -- to appreciate the fact that life is complex.”
― M. Scott Peck

Thinking in more complex, more complete terms doesn't come easily at all when you have spent your life following the example of our society and culture and oversimplifying everything. There are no quick fixes if you want to avoid illegitimate suffering and the descent into mental ill-health, and rarely are there any snappy taglines that will encompass the lessons you need to learn in life. It will be hard work. It will be difficult and it will hurt. It will be very uncomfortable and challenging. But I can promise you friends, once you get on this path the rewards come thick and fast. Dawning realisations, the opening of formerly closed parts of your mind, whole new ways of looking at your past and present situation, all will happen once you discard the old mindset of pain avoidance. Best of all, as you get into this new, more healthy, more truthful way of thinking about life, it becomes less difficult to do the work of change, and the massive benefits and rewards get bigger and better.

“It is in the whole process of meeting and solving problems that life has meaning. Problems are the cutting edge that distinguishes between success and failure. Problems call forth our courage and our wisdom; indeed, they create our courage and our wisdom. It is only because of problems that we grow mentally and spiritually. It is through the pain of confronting and resolving problems that we learn.”
― M. Scott Peck

Take it from someone who knows what a life of pain avoidance of almost every conceivable kind can do to you, it is always worth making the change and it is never too late to start. I was fortunate enough to find shining lights in my darkest moments, and despite years of self-sabotage, self-harm, self-medication and all that comes with avoiding the legitimate and necessary pain of change and growth, I have finally got to the point where I am growing more than I am regressing, learning more than I am failing to learn, and embracing the discomforts and challenges of personal, emotional, some may say spiritual growth with determination and gratitude.

“It is only because of problems that we grow mentally and spiritually.”
― M. Scott Peck

It took me 20 years to get to this point. Don't let it take you that long! But, however long it takes, persevere to the last - the rewards are manifold, magical and life-changing. Whether you are struggling with multiple issues in life, suffering with mental illness, or just feeling unsatisfied and unfulfilled, learning to accept and deal with pain and avoid unnecessary suffering in life is the key to growing to be a better person, for you and for everyone else.

“All my life I used to wonder what I would become when I grew up. Then, about seven years ago, I realised that I was never going to grow up--that growing is an ever ongoing process.”
― M. Scott Peck


N.B. All the quotations used in this piece are courtesy of the amazing book by M. Scott Peck MD, entitled The Road Less Travelled: A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values, and Spiritual Growth. Highly recommended reading!


Copyright ©2018 Richard C. Greenlow. All rights reserved.

Less Travelled Road

"Life is difficult. Confronting and solving problems is a painful process which most of us attempt to avoid. And the very avoidance results in greater pain and an inability to grow both mentally and spiritually." - M. Scott Peck.

Twenty years ago I readThe Road Less Travelled, from which this quote is taken. It changed my life. I have dipped in and out of it continuously ever since, recently giving it another complete re-read. More than just a self-help book, it is pretty much like a manual for life. Indeed, it has taught me more about myself, and how to handle life and live it well, than anything else I have ever read. The books title borrows from the famous poem, 'The Road Not Taken', by Robert Frost. The meaning I get from the poem is that there is always a choice, at least two paths one can take in life, and that the real rewards come from choosing the less travelled road.

It is my contention that there are often several paths, if not many, that one can take at any moment in life involving problems and pain. Conversely, however, sometimes the choice is just between two options, a straight challenge if you will. The point is that at any stage we always have a choice. Often in the case of only having one of two options, the conundrum becomes whether to choose short-term pain for long-term gain, or not. This, in a nutshell, is what Peck is describing in the above quote, and is the overall theme of the book - choosing to confront and solve problems as they arise, opting to go through the 'legitimate suffering' of that choice, rather than ignore problems in the hope they will go away, or deny they exist at all, which only results in further pain and unnecessary suffering further down the track.

   "Yes, there are two paths you can go by
    But in the long run
    There's still time to change the road you're on"
- excerpt from 'Stairway To Heaven' by Led Zeppelin

These life choices (and experience teaches me that they are indeed just that) dictate which road we are taking. It isn't that 'the easy option' is always wrong, not at all, it is simply that this option is rarely the right choice if we are to make any real progress, truly learn something, properly overcome our difficulties and become a better human being for it. Usually, the harder choice is just that because it involves really working at it, extending ourselves, getting well out of our comfort zones and taking on the risk of failure that goes with all that. It can feel like taking three steps back in order to take one forward sometimes, as we get bogged down with the discomfort, pain and suffering involved in our choice to change, to take the harder path, but ultimately what we are actually doing is taking a huge leap forward.

I have been on this less travelled road for the last twenty years, and this is my experience of it..

The road is long and bumpy. I have the semi-permanent blisters on my feet and the constant bruising to show for it - but with time calluses have developed and the bruises heal quicker. The road is winding and narrow, its meanders ever confusing, and relentless effort is required to stay on it - but each twist and turn reveals an ever more splendid view. Walking this path is very hard going, with all sorts of potholes and hidden pitfalls on the way - but the process of overcoming each and every obstacle has made me stronger and more resilient.

In places the road is overgrown with nasty brambles and stinging foliage. It can really hurt travelling this road. It is easy to stray off the path at any time and end up in a blind alley or dark thicket. Once one strays, the way back can seem impossible, and the longer one remains off-road the harder it is to find one's way back. When you have been walking that road a long while, then suddenly become stuck in one of the many dark patches hidden all around, the yearning to get back on the road quickly turns to desperation. But, when eventually one finds a way out of the hole and climbs back up onto the less travelled road, the relief is truly a new lease of life.

You may well find yourself asking some important questions by this point, such as..

• "This sounds like really hard work. Why do I need to put myself through this?"
• "Are there not shortcuts I can take?"
• "What about those people who seem to be just getting by without doing all this?"
• "How will I know if I am on the right road?"

Well, I can tell you what I have learned. Taking the road less travelled is bloody hard work. It is very uncomfortable and can be extremely painful, but the rewards of the journey far, far outweigh the temporary endurance of suffering. The road offers continuous personal, emotional and 'spiritual' growth, helping you to be a better person for yourself and everyone else. There are no shortcuts to this work though, and anyone claiming to have found any is peddling snake oil. And those people, the ones who seem to be getting by without doing all this - they only seem to be getting by. They are probably not growing at all, leaving them ill-equipped to deal with all of life's problems and eventually unable to handle the pain of the human condition.

You will know when you are on the right road. You will be in absolutely no doubt, because with each step you take your world will light up, illuminating the path ahead and revealing amazing possibilities you could never have foreseen. You will feel better. You will look better and you will see better. Everyone around you will notice the change, likely even before you do, and life will take on new meaning and relevance. You will be living a better, more positive, more satisfying and more loving existence, with all the wonders and nuances that come with that life.

This is the road less travelled..

And when people ask me why I choose it, if it's so difficult a path to tread, such a hard journey to go on, I can only smile and ask them, "why do you assume I see any other road?"

Copyright ©2018 Richard C. Greenlow. All rights reserved.