No Pain, No Gain

“Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult - once we truly understand and accept it - then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters.”
― M. Scott Peck

We live in a pain-avoiding culture, one that encourages quick-fix solutions to all kinds of discomfort, and fosters the idea that the most complex problems in life like personal growth and dealing with mental illness can be solved with shortcuts and simple remedies. No wonder then that we face epidemic levels of mental ill-health, and that we are not evolving as a society anywhere near our potential. We grow up in a media and technology bubble that fails to reflect the true importance and inherent value in coping and dealing with necessary and legitimate suffering in life. Instead we are brainwashed into believing that all pain is bad, and that an instant remedy is always available. No wonder we are in such a mess..

“The difficulty we have in accepting responsibility for our behaviour lies in the desire to avoid the pain of the consequences of that behaviour.”
― M. Scott Peck

The fundamental lesson we have to learn about the pain and difficulty in life is that it can be split into two kinds - legitimate, necessary suffering and unnecessary suffering. So things like dealing with change, grief and loss, physical ill-health, learning from mistakes - these are examples of legitimate, necessary suffering in life. We all have to not just endure and cope with these things but learn from them and use them to grow as a person. Then there are examples of unnecessary suffering - holding on to the past, not recognising inherent lessons in life's problems, or recognising lessons but shunning the work of learning, clinging to unhealthy coping mechanisms, allowing others to control or dictate our path in life - these are the sort of things we all do which stop us truly learning and growing in life. Continued unnecessary suffering and the avoidance of legitimate pain in our lives is at the root of most mental ill-health.

“The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.”
― M. Scott Peck

Now we get to the nub of the matter. Every time we fail to make the distinction between necessary and unnecessary pain, and seek to avoid it regardless, we stunt our personal growth. All we are really doing is choosing short term gain for long term pain. In our desire to avoid suffering we throw out the baby with the bathwater. It is not all our fault. The forces that influence us, and society as a whole, emphasise and amplify the falsehood that avoidance of pain, shortcuts and temporary remedies will work, and they do it from a very young age in many ways, from the subtle to the blatant. We are not educated to deal effectively with sadness, loss, grief etc. any more than we are taught to recognise the often subtle difference between pain and discomfort that is necessary to grow in life, and that which is unnecessary and unhealthy. It is left up to us to disentangle our mindsets and reinvent our whole way of thinking to deal effectively with, and even welcome, the pain in life.

“Abandon the urge to simplify everything, to look for formulas and easy answers, and begin to think multidimensionally, to glory in the mystery and paradoxes of life, not to be dismayed by the multitude of causes and consequences that are inherent in each experience -- to appreciate the fact that life is complex.”
― M. Scott Peck

Thinking in more complex, more complete terms doesn't come easily at all when you have spent your life following the example of our society and culture and oversimplifying everything. There are no quick fixes if you want to avoid illegitimate suffering and the descent into mental ill-health, and rarely are there any snappy taglines that will encompass the lessons you need to learn in life. It will be hard work. It will be difficult and it will hurt. It will be very uncomfortable and challenging. But I can promise you friends, once you get on this path the rewards come thick and fast. Dawning realisations, the opening of formerly closed parts of your mind, whole new ways of looking at your past and present situation, all will happen once you discard the old mindset of pain avoidance. Best of all, as you get into this new, more healthy, more truthful way of thinking about life, it becomes less difficult to do the work of change, and the massive benefits and rewards get bigger and better.

“It is in the whole process of meeting and solving problems that life has meaning. Problems are the cutting edge that distinguishes between success and failure. Problems call forth our courage and our wisdom; indeed, they create our courage and our wisdom. It is only because of problems that we grow mentally and spiritually. It is through the pain of confronting and resolving problems that we learn.”
― M. Scott Peck

Take it from someone who knows what a life of pain avoidance of almost every conceivable kind can do to you, it is always worth making the change and it is never too late to start. I was fortunate enough to find shining lights in my darkest moments, and despite years of self-sabotage, self-harm, self-medication and all that comes with avoiding the legitimate and necessary pain of change and growth, I have finally got to the point where I am growing more than I am regressing, learning more than I am failing to learn, and embracing the discomforts and challenges of personal, emotional, some may say spiritual growth with determination and gratitude.

“It is only because of problems that we grow mentally and spiritually.”
― M. Scott Peck

It took me 20 years to get to this point. Don't let it take you that long! But, however long it takes, persevere to the last - the rewards are manifold, magical and life-changing. Whether you are struggling with multiple issues in life, suffering with mental illness, or just feeling unsatisfied and unfulfilled, learning to accept and deal with pain and avoid unnecessary suffering in life is the key to growing to be a better person, for you and for everyone else.

“All my life I used to wonder what I would become when I grew up. Then, about seven years ago, I realised that I was never going to grow up--that growing is an ever ongoing process.”
― M. Scott Peck


N.B. All the quotations used in this piece are courtesy of the amazing book by M. Scott Peck MD, entitled The Road Less Travelled: A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values, and Spiritual Growth. Highly recommended reading!


Copyright ©2018 Richard C. Greenlow. All rights reserved.