Apologies

Sorry really can be the hardest word to say.

It can often be the end product of a mammoth effort of will to recognise we have done wrong, accept the reason(s) why and make the gesture of an apology to those we have wronged. It is an act both humble and powerful at the same time.

"More people should apologise, and more people should accept apologies when sincerely made." - Greg LeMond

Apologies are only good though if they are done the right way. They only work when they come from a place of honest and heartfelt sincerity. They are only real when they come from a process we have engaged in of self-analysis, in which we contemplate why we did the wrong thing, how it affected the injured party and steps we will take to try to prevent a repeat of the incident(s).

That process of self-analysis, however short or long it necessarily has to be, is essential if we are to learn from our mistakes. Remember when you were a child and you had a playground disagreement with another child, an incident occurred, and you were made to say sorry? Well if the adult who dealt with that failed to explain to you the importance of understanding how your actions affected the other party, and perhaps merely got you and the other person to apologise, then they failed you both. Insincere apologies, where the motivation to say sorry is simply obligation or wanting a 'quick fix' to the problem, is kind of worse than no apology at all really. If we don't do the work of self-analysis and introspection then frankly we may as well keep our hollow apologies to ourselves.

Apologising is not a selfless act in and of itself. Rather, it is the end result of a personal internal process of searching within one's self, looking for the answers to questions of what motivated and led to our thoughts, words and actions negatively affecting other people. Whether the realisation comes from thinking about how we have wronged the other party and quickly coming to obvious conclusions, or through a long journey into reasons behind the patterns of negative behaviour towards others we have exhibited, the process of remorse helps us to become better people.

The subsequent need to apologise should always be an expression of that remorse, intended for the benefit of all parties. We want the injured party to understand why we did them wrong, to see that we have really made an effort to avoid repeating our mistakes, and to feel positive about what was a negative experience. If we come from a place of personal resolution, where we have done the work of understanding our mistakes or misdeeds, we want the closure that comes from sharing such positive internal change with those who we have hurt or slighted. We have effectively completed an act of self-healing, and hopefully also helped others to heal from whatever wounds we inflicted upon them.

Sadly, it is not always possible to come to such a positive conclusion through the act of apologising. For a plethora of reasons, we may well find that an apology is just not considered enough, appreciated or even wanted. We may find that others are not ready to forgive us, or have been traumatised by our actions to such a degree that they cannot accept our apologies. They may have not moved on enough in their own personal lives to be in a place where even the most sincere apology cuts the mustard. For whatever reason, some people will not respond well to apologies, and we must be ever mindful of this fact. Sometimes an apology is just not enough, so we must accept that possibility and not allow ourselves to be too disheartened by it.

Forgiveness is a similar thing to apologising, in that it is not a selfless act. Forgiving someone for their mistakes, for the things they have done which caused you personal pain and hardship, frees you from the built up negativity associated with that whole episode. It too requires a process of self-analysis. One needs to identify exactly why and how the deeds of another have hurt us in order to understand why we feel so wronged. Then we usually will want to come to some sort of understanding as to what led the other party to hurt us. Hating on someone for their misdeeds against us only ever really hurts us more. While we are using up our valuable time and energy thinking negatively towards them we could be working on forgiveness, freeing ourselves from the worst of the negative impact of whatever has happened.

So, in the spirit of this piece, I will conclude with a symbolic gesture of my personal apologies to those who I have slighted, hurt or wronged on my journey thus far in life..

For when I was too busy being angry

To share in your joy and laughter,

For when I closed my eyes and my mind

To your infinite beauty and complexity,

For when I allowed my shallow prejudice

To cloud the picture of truth in your eyes,

For times when I allowed my shortcomings

To encroach on your freedom to roam.

For when I chose to hide behind excuses

Instead of growing and learning with you,

For when I allowed my blind selfishness

To attempt to dominate and control you,

For when I failed to realise your wisdom

Or your value or your good intentions,

For when rage, fury and despair took over

And attempted to extinguish your light.

For every hurtful word I've uttered

And every time I've shut you down,

In every lesson unrealised and unlearned,

In all the hopes I've burned to the ground,

For any time I've shunned your affection

Or made you feel like you're not loved,

In every moment of passive-aggression

And for every attempt at self-sabotage.

For forgetting what's really important,

For prioritising my needs above yours,

For letting the past dictate the future,

For losing faith and losing control,

For failing to show you my love,

For keeping my feelings to myself,

For tripping and falling at every hurdle,

For not appreciating the gift that is us,

I'm sorry.

Copyright ©2018 Richard C. Greenlow. All rights reserved.