The Kids

Not so many years ago there was a prevailing poor attitude towards children. It was considered virtuous that 'children be seen and not heard'. It beggars belief that this was ever considered a good thing. The idea that children's opinions, their natural curiosity and ultimately their right to free speech should be stifled or silenced by anyone, let alone those charged with caring for them, is not just detrimental and damaging to them, but to society as a whole.

In reality, we have more to learn from our children than we can ever really teach them..

I am not advocating giving totally free reign to our kids. When making way for their voice leads to rudeness, lack of respect, unkindness and negativity towards others it is important to let them know this is unacceptable, and why. This kind of behaviour is born of a lack of understanding, so it is our jobs as parents, carers, teachers and responsible adults to explain to them why it is wrong and how to treat others with more respect and kindness. Discipline can and should be administered in a firm but fair way. Nurturing a child works. Castigating them does not. If punishment is necessary it must be carefully considered and serve the end purpose of teaching right from wrong without crushing the spirit of the child.

It is said often, by many, but predominantly those of the older generations, that children these days need old-fashioned discipline, as if that is the be-all and end-all of child rearing. I don't know what you think of when this is said, but in my minds eye an image of a school teacher with a cain and a parent with a belt is immediately conjured forth. Along with this I can hear the voices of various 60+ year old individuals chiming together, "if I was out of line I'd get a beating..it never did me any harm". Really? Well bully for you. Literally.

If we use physical punishment to enforce our will upon children, regardless of how 'naughty' they have been or how seemingly effective it might appear in the short term, all we are doing is normalising violence and teaching them that hitting people solves problems. The potential for this to become bullying, not to mention the multifaceted dangers of growing up with the notion that violence can solve our problems, is simply not worth it. Thankfully things have moved on a bit from the 'old school' days, but those who decry today's children as lacking in discipline, harking back to the 'good old days', are perpetuating the myth that fear of adults inspires respect and creates good character in children, when in reality it at best belittles, terrorises and crushes them, and at worst creates the kind of monsters who commit the most unspeakable acts in the world.

Violence against children doesn't just take physical form of course. The scars that can be created by domineering, emotionally abusive parents are perhaps even worse than the bruises that physical punishment administers. It is a tough tightrope to tread as a parent, knowing how to be firm without being too harsh, when to raise the voice just enough to tell them off without making them very unhappy, and knowing when subtle nurture is better than stern admonishment. Of course we want and need to be able to teach our kids right from wrong, respect for others and the importance of listening to those who know better than us, but doing it at the expense of their emotional well-being is tantamount to a crime against humanity. Society is unfortunately teeming with people with mental illness, psychopathy and criminality that directly stems from the shitty parenting they received in their formative years.

As adults we sometimes think we know it all, and of course we often know better than our children on a good many things. So much of what makes us who we are is learned by example, as children, from our parents. If we experience abuse, neglect, bullying and a lack of affection then it is hard to blame us if we become dysfunctional, difficult, destructive adults. We have to lead our kids by our own good example, showing them how to navigate the world successfully without stomping on others, and why it is important to lead a good life for the benefit of ourselves and the rest of the world, balancing personal growth and ambition with morality, humility and kindness. And the crux of the matter is that the whole time we are trying to control, dominate, force or crush our kids into complying with 'the rules' we fail to see and hear the amazing, incredible, wonderful contribution they make in our lives and to the world as a whole.

We truly have so much more to learn from children than we can hope to teach them; their wonder, their natural curiosity, their willingness to learn, their openness to change, their adaptability, their strength of character, their simple but elegant logic, their ability to soak up new information like a sponge, their dedication to those they love, the list goes on and on. Let us not fall into old patterns and ways of doing things that simply don't work, and don't help create a society of better humans than the past. Let us see the kids for what they really are - miraculous gifts of life, to be nurtured and guided on their journey to the best of our ability, so that we might leave the world a better place than that into which we were born.

"Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you." - H. Jackson Brown, Jr.


Copyright ©2018 Richard C. Greenlow. All rights reserved.