Poetry Corner VII

Hey folks.

So it's been a hell of a year. Seems I'm one of many who've found this year pretty extreme in terms of highs and lows, struggles and triumphs. I decided to end on this final poetry corner, here's hoping you enjoy the positive messages that dwell within.

I would just like to thank everyone who has read my blog this year, given me feedback, contacted me and helped spread my writing around.

I whispered in the wind, and many of you heard me and recognised something of yourself in my words..

That is truly the greatest gift of all!

One love.

Just Walk Away

Easy to look outside you

At other's problems and pain,

Easier to reach out to them

Than to delve deep within your brain,

Easier to offer advice

Than take your own medicine,

Helping others to heal

Puts your shit in the pedal bin.

Thing is, things overflow

When we overlook our own

Impediments and issues

And it all quickly mounts up.

That's when crises occur,

As floods breach our levees

We find ourselves unsteady

And unable to really cope.

Beware the do gooders

For often there's rot inside,

You'll get judgement and bile

If you dare question their motives.

Be selfless only to a point,

Don't end up neglecting your needs,

As those you help the most

May well be the first ones to leave.

Life's a delicate balancing act

But hell, we all know that,

The trick is to treat others

How we would have them treat us.

So when you do all you can

And they throw it back in your face,

Just turn your back and walk

And leave them to their disgrace.

R. C. Greenlow

[12.11.2018]

Love Of Life

Love the way it comes together

At the drop of a hat,

Spent so long wishing so much,

Above and beyond this and that.

Not waiting any more,

Doing my thing the way I want.

No one overtaking my inertia,

Mine is my own bathing font.

Belittled none, beyond delusion,

The perfect opposite of panic here!

Unable to stop myself smiling,

No plan of another’s to adhere.

Alone is what I used to call it

Before my rise to realising this,

Now I know peace everywhere..

Life has led me directly to bliss.

R. C. Greenlow

14.10.2001

Equanimity

Take a clean fresh page

And a moment to clear your mind,

Then imagine you're the sun

Radiating heat down on everyone.

Take time out to sit back,

Refresh the mind of the daily dross,

Then allow yourself to flow like wine

From the finest grapes you can grow.

Throw away your inhibitions,

Ignore the stale voices holding you back,

Eat from golden fields of corn

And drink only the purest spring water.

Take a moment to reflect on this,

Remember it for the rest of your days,

As this is when you're truly tuned in

To the best bits of living this life.

R. C. Greenlow

08.07.2000

Copyright ©2018 Richard C. Greenlow. All rights reserved.

Poetry Corner VI

It's that time again. I know I usually don't do poetry corner more than once a month, but lately I've been seemingly rather plugged into the old metre and verse. So without further ado, here's 3 of my latest little ditties.

Whatever You Need

Dunno' what to do

Or what to say,

Dunno' what sounds best

Or what to play.

No idea if there's answers

Or real solutions,

Dunno' how to ease the pain

Or help in any way.

It's no longer all about me

I've no information to work from,

No insight to rely upon,

To help you find your way.

Don't care about my feelings,

Just want your pain to heal.

Need information to work from

To help me guide you through.

I'm stumbling blind in the dark

Through invisible obstacles,

Trying to navigate a path

That might lead to your side.

This is all so new

But I'm in for the long haul.

I can step back from you,

Or be resolute and stand tall.

I can be the strong one,

Take on anything you need.

Trust me to do anything,

If it helps you it helps me.

Even if there's nothing,

No words or thoughts or deeds,

I'm here with you regardless

To take care of your needs.

R. C. Greenlow

[08.11.2018]

Mountains And Mole-Hills

When big storms blow in,

Buffeted by shocks and traumas,

I seem to make like a shark,

An automaton on a mission.

Yet the silly daily annoyances,

The hiccups that interrupt my flow,

Seem to trigger a disabling rage

That reduces me to tantrums.

What is it about the really big stuff

That inspires such coping abilities?

How do I traverse these mountains

With such innate calm and control?

And yet, what is it about the little things

That utterly disables my equanimity?

Why does every mole-hill I encounter

Trip me up, as if I’m as blind as the mole?

Give me crises, trauma and disaster

And I’ll help you over the bridges I build,

I’m an island of calm, a refuge and shelter,

When surrounded by terror and strife.

Yet petty annoyances and minor niggles

Drive me to almost instant distraction,

And as all logic and reasoning evaporate

I’m left feeling like a two year-old child.

‘Don’t sweat the small stuff’ I hear so oft,

As if that was the easiest thing in the world,

But the mole-hills that litter my daily life

Have become without doubt my Achilles heel.

So give me mountains any day of the week,

I climb and I conquer and I thrive,

But just leave the room when I lose my mind

Over the littlest things in the world.

R. C. Greenlow
Inspired by Nathaniel George

[11.11.2018]

Ode To Her

She's not here..

Right now, she just can't be.

She's not here..

And I don't blame her one bit.

She's got to take time out..

For herself and her sake.

And though I miss her so,

Though I need her presence,

Though I want to hold her close..

It's really isn't all about me.

So take your time..

Take all the time you need love.

Rest up my sweet,

Take your sweet time.

Do whatever you need to do..

Don't worry about me.

Take all the time in the world..

I ain't going nowhere.

R. C. Greenlow

[08/11/2018]

Copyright ©2018 Richard C. Greenlow. All rights reserved.

Poetry Corner IV

As summer fades fast, I've sadly lost my bright early morning two-hour writing slot, which served me so well. The shorter daylight hours do nothing for my motivation, and alas I am not writing much at all these days, but I can at least share these three poems with you.

These verses seem to strike the tone for how my year has gone really. The third one is an oldy, as you can see, which I include for the sake of balance. Hopefully I will find myself still able to write occasionally during the coming dark season..

Still Trying

Trying to branch out

With precious few connections,

Trying to stay focused

With a constantly wandering mind,

Trying to get clarity

Through a fog of anxiety,

Trying to have faith

While riddled with self-doubt,

Trying for creativity

While fighting negativity,

Trying to find answers

Without the right questions,

Trying to have patience

As frustration bites,

Trying to be better

While never feeling good enough,

Trying to feel content

Despite longing so much,

Trying to understand

When confusion reigns,

Trying to be loving

As self-loathing takes over,

Trying to find peace

In spite of the anger,

Trying to hold on

When all hope is gone,

Trying..

Very trying.

[23.06.2018]

Walled In

This is insane, isn’t it?

Banging my head against walls

Built up over years and years..

Where once they protected me,

Now I am entombed.

Chipping away at the cracks,

Constantly hit by the flack,

I wipe dirty sweat from my brow

And wonder how I’ll ever escape

At this slow rate.

My patience is running out..

I want to scream and shout

But only manage sneers and sighs,

And occasional cries

Of stinging self-pity.

My tools are all blunted

By the constant wear and tear

Of this relentlessly hard work..

I’d go berserk if not for

Lack of energy.

Tired of looking down,

But when I look up I get scared

By the height of those walls,

And the idea of scratching away

For all my days.

So, I slump back down

Once more to try to sleep,

Lapsing between confusion

And vivid nightmares,

In shades of grey.

[30.09.2018]

Alone In The World

It appears that somebody has tried to strangle me,

Just because I can’t agree with their philosophy

Somebody else grates on me like new shoes on ankles

I’m losing all my sparkle but still keeping all my marbles.

Time has a funny way of waking you up to yourself,

Just when you think you’ve lost all your hope and health

Shaking your foundations, rocking you to pieces,

Then, when you can take no more, it suddenly ceases.

Openings in the brain welcome new ways of thinking

You can close them again if you feel yourself sinking,

But I’d rather play my cards one at a time tonight,

That way I can be sure that I’m doing it all right.

Life will avenge all attempts to hold back

From the throng, the joy, and the heart-attack

Better to seamlessly drift with the tide

Than surrender to the darkness held deep inside.

[04.05.2000]

Copyright ©2018 Richard C. Greenlow. All rights reserved.

Reach Out

Something huge can happen to a person when they suffer any kind of long term mental, emotional or psychological distress. Over time, through the stages of acceptance of their condition, the seeking of treatment, the course of their therapy and their path to recovery, a person can become adept at identifying and understanding the mental, emotional and psychological troubles of others. It's like a massive and unexpected side-effect of dealing with the underlying illness, and what's more, it is extraordinarily empowering..

So it is that an adult victim of childhood abuse, when faced with dealing with the long and difficult journey through their traumatic past, begins to understand the nature of narcissism and what psychologists refer to as 'the sins of the father' - that abusive parents are often the victims of childhood abuse themselves. But simultaneously, these people often also start noticing a myriad of other far more subtle and less overt ways in which certain parental behaviours can contribute to neuroses and emotional difficulties in all our adult lives. They become not only mentally healthier, but capable of being much better people and better parents themselves.

Recovering alcoholics and drug addicts go through a process which helps them to identify the causes of their addiction, in order to put new and healthier coping strategies into place and to prevent relapse. At the same time, they often start to experience a much deeper empathy with the pain of other people, and to see how others are using unhealthy ways of coping with their difficulties. They can truly become masters at spotting the warning signs of addiction and destructive behaviours in people, such is the fine-tuning that happens to their perception of the psychological mechanisms at play.

For those who suffer from clinical depression, bipolar disorder and other afflictions which  are primarily disorders of mood regulation, the path to a healthier life lies in understanding the complexities of their particular mood patterns and planning for all eventualities, wherever possible. Sometimes all that can be managed is an acceptance that terribly difficult moods will happen, but even that is a step up from feeling enslaved by their condition. As the person becomes adept at understanding and managing their illness they can find themselves arriving at a point where they have a whole box of tools and techniques to manage mood issues, and it is soon realised that this toolbox is useful to just about anyone who wants to manage their emotions better and develop a healthier mindset.

People nearly always seek treatment for mental health issues and go into therapy to help themselves but rarely, if ever, realise that they are likely to come out the other side far more interested in and empathetic to the pain and problems of others. Seeking psychiatric treatment is a necessarily selfish action. It's starts off all self, self, self - but very soon in the course of treatment it usually becomes obvious to a person that it is how their behaviour affects others and their interactions with others that causes them the most pain. The work they do to change how they think of themselves develops into a journey of changing their behaviour towards other people. They start to think more positively, act more genuinely and consider others more thoughtfully. It's a win win.

When the hard work of therapy is over, the journey continues onward. The newly-empowered mentally healthy individual has a shiny armoury of weapons to fight negativity in themselves, and a whole new level of awareness of how these weapons can be useful to others in their personal struggles. Often, a deep desire to share the newfound knowledge is present, requiring the practising of patience and respect for other people's stages of development in life. This new state of being is what writers of all sorts of self-help, psychology and spirituality themed books refer to as growth - whether they label it 'personal', 'emotional', 'spiritual' or a combination of such - it is literally the evolving of the psyche to a higher state or 'stage of awareness'.

The journey is all about growing and changing and evolving to be better than we were before. It is always about progressing on the path to further enlightenment but never about being better than anyone else. One can falter and slip and regress, and require further work and even more therapy at any time, just as one can advance several strides in short succession. The journey lasts a lifetime. It is like a calling. It can feel like a faith system, maybe even a religion, and perhaps in a way it is..

Whatever it is, I'm well and truly on board.



Copyright ©2018 Richard C. Greenlow. All rights reserved.

Music Is Life

"Without music, life would be an error." - Friedrich Nietzsche

I know a few people who don't really care for music. Wow! Am I the only one who finds that totally messed up? I've tried to understand it, but to be honest, I haven't spent too long pondering it - because to me, that's just absolutely insane! I honestly cannot think how anyone can go through their life without finding meaning, excitement and value in at least some body of music..

I get that there are different levels of interest that a person can have for music, and varying amounts of value an individual places in it. That's all fair enough. It's like art - I appreciate the visual arts, just not to a huge degree. Probably, oh I don't know, 15% of everything I've ever seen that calls itself 'art' appeals to me and stirs something inside my soul, but the rest means as much to me as plastic and paper. And so it is with music - for some, very little appeals - and somehow even that is but a passing interest.

Personally, my taste in music is hugely varied and complex. From the psychedelic and progressive rock of Pink Floyd, right through to the full spectrum of underground Drum and Bass music, my passion for music is testament to having a great dad who introduced me to many fantastic artists from a young age. I am as excited by the raw power and dynamics of Hard Rock and Heavy Metal as I am by the heavy beats of Jungle, Ragga and Hip-Hop. I enjoy relaxing to the emotion-stirring depth of Ambient Electronica, Trip-Hop and Trance, alongside the more sublime and avant-garde output of artists who do not rely so heavily on the electronic side of things. There really is hardly any style, type or genre of music I do not like at least some of. There is material I don't like, and dislike with a passion at least approaching parity with the stuff I love - mainly anything that is too intentionally mainstream, overly formulated, or just downright fake and shallow - but if it comes from the soul, if it's played from the heart, there's a real high chance it will appeal to me.

But enough about my personal tastes, for like much in the world of art, music is so very subjective. The power of music is not really in who it appeals to, who it is made for or what niche or scene it fits into. It is the power of music to accompany key moments in life. Obviously life isn't a movie, but think of your favourite films - what would they be without the addition of the right pieces of music, at the right times - key scenes and moments? Music, in my humble opinion, should be a soundtrack to your life. Regardless of how it is meaningful to you, if you have a playlist for your life then it makes your whole experience richer and more nuanced..

Music is a powerful stress-reliever and can be a potent stress-buster. From simply being an enjoyable accompaniment to an otherwise dull chore, to soothing your soul when you feel totally broken, music penetrates through the layers of bullshit that our humble human condition creates, and it can often be the only solace we find in an otherwise completely negative situation in life. As an addition to the thematic discourse, a distraction from our troubles, or purely as a hedonistic escape, music is incredibly effective at helping gel together the stream of our consciousness with that which is the undercurrent - our subconscious feelings and emotions, and the unconscious which resides in the depths of our souls.

It only leaves me to end this brief foray into music with a quote which encapsulates all of this so perfectly, from an amazing musician who, sadly, left the mortal coil this very week..

"Music does a lot of things for a lot of people. It's transporting, for sure. It can take you right back, years back, to the very moment certain things happened in your life. It's uplifting, it's encouraging, it's strengthening." - Aretha Franklin



Copyright ©2018 Richard C. Greenlow. All rights reserved.

Time To Change

I'm not sure how this will go! This might be one piece you just gloss over, to be honest..

In contemplative, reflective mood I find myself taking stock for a moment, a status report if you will. I'm sharing this for the same reason as ever, whispering on the wind in the hope that someone might catch my drift, because if it resonates with even one person then it will have satisfied me in knowing (a) I'm not the only one and (b) I have contributed something. I can promise that these are not just my ramblings, devoid of anything to relate to, but I can't promise to be your motivational speaker or anything.

So anyway, here goes..

I want to be a success. Doesn't everyone? I wrote a piece all about it some time ago. Well a couple of days ago I was looking at the artwork on an album and I spotted this amazing quote which just perfectly sums it all up for me:

"To laugh often and much; To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

So I know what success looks like to me. I know exactly what I need to achieve. I can measure myself in the here and now, judge where I am doing it right and where I am falling short, and work out what I need to do to get closer towards this success and further from the failings of the past. It is a journey that I have chosen, not a destination, and I'm all good with that. I can see that there is only really one thing that is required for me to actualise my goals and achieve this kind of success - change.

As I have often discussed it is only through constant rigorous self-analysis, striving for self-discipline, being dedicated to truth and reality at all costs, and learning to deal as well as possible with problems and pain that real change can be achieved..

"..But it isn’t sexy [change]. It is, in fact, in the exact opposite direction of egoic gratification. On a collective level, it means giving up on barking and snarling at the Russians or the libtards or the Muslims or the Trump supporters and relinquishing the notion of your pet political, religious or social faction ever being proven right and vindicated over the others. On an individual level, it means letting go of everything you’ve built your identity on. It means realising and fully understanding that you’ve been basically wrong about everything your entire life as mental narratives are seen for the babbling nonsense they are. It means forgiving yourself for your mistakes and forgiving your mother for hers. It means the ultimate humility of taking everything you’ve held yourself to be and unceremoniously discarding it like an old piece of gum." - Caitlin Johnstone

Wow. What's all this about loss of identity? Being wrong about everything? Well, I've been here before. I understand about the value of learning from mistakes. I'm aware of all the cognitive biases and I do all I can to avoid the pitfalls. I know of the power of the narratives that are spun all around me, and my quest for truth usually guides me in the right way. I can research and learn, I can revise my thinking, I can counter the lies and the propaganda and the bullshit with my own healthy narrative. I can see through the thin veneer and I can sniff out the truth. I know this is the right way to be thinking. I need no further proof.

I know my true identity, and even though I've somehow managed to achieve a level of contentment within myself, such that being alone and being lonely are to me different universes, sometimes my thoughts do creep towards the realm of 'magical thinking', and I wonder if there is more out there..

"My brain is only a receiver, in the Universe there is a core from which we obtain knowledge, strength and inspiration. I have not penetrated into the secrets of this core, but I know that it exists." - Nikola Tesla

At this point I am rather stuck, between the wonder and curiosity buried deep within that I cannot ignore, and the logic and reason that I accumulate and learn and value so much. I write of this conundrum, but I don't spend much time thinking about anything for which there is not an explanation, or at least some sort of theory, or at the very least the promise of an explanation to come in the future. Maybe it is simply fear of the unknown, but I suggest that it is far more likely fear of delusion, of believing in fairy tales and of being deceived. Yet, there are two undeniable and unexplained 'forces' in my life which go against all logic and reason, but which I am absolutely unable to deny the existence of - karma and serendipity. So maybe there is 'something out there', although I suspect that it is actually everywhere - within us, all around us, in everyone and everything. Something..universal?

Meanwhile, back on Earth, us mere mortals are still judging ourselves and others, worrying about how we look and how we're seen, all preoccupied by the unnecessary suffering of fitting in, not fitting in, achieving, not achieving, comparing ourselves to others - oh, the humanity..

"Give up defining yourself - to yourself or to others. You won't die. You will come to life. And don't be concerned with how others define you. When they define you, they are limiting themselves, so it's their problem. Whenever you interact with people, don't be there primarily as a function or a role, but as the field of conscious Presence. You can only lose something that you have, but you cannot lose something that you are." - Eckhart Tolle

Ah, my dear friends. We can be forgiven for spending so much time being a self-involved, self-absorbed, self-defeating neurotic mess. There are pressures out there in the material world of our media-raped societies which affect us from birth and never truly relent. People can be so influenced and overpowered by the illusions and falsehoods that they are subjected to daily that they become toxic, and we can become infected with that poison too. Yet we can all live a far more authentic, genuine and positive existence if we just scratch beneath the surface more, raise our moral standards, learn the value of learning and expand our minds. Our hearts follow, and we grow. We get better at being better humans, for ourselves and each other. If you are struggling, here's some words of encouragement.

But what of all the suffering out there? All that unnecessary suffering. We either empathise and get angry and rail against humanity's inhumanity, or we turn a blind eye and get apathetic and close our hearts to it all, or we allow ourselves to feel the pain closest to home but show indifference to horrors in far off lands. And within ourselves, from the omnipresent stresses of modern life right through the spectrum to the pain and confusion of multiple mental illnesses, we all endure personal suffering to a greater or lesser degree. The thing is - and it really is a big thing - we cannot allow ourselves to be defined by this suffering. Even if we struggle every moment of every day, we somehow have to transform ourselves - from being a victim, a sufferer, a walking effigy of a syndrome - to being a survivor, a warrior, a shining beacon of hope..

"As a fact, we cannot give suffering precedence in either our individual or collective lives. We have to get on with things, and those who give precedence to suffering will be left behind. They fetter us with their snivelling. We have someplace to go and must believe we can get there, wherever that may be. And to conceive that there is a 'brotherhood of suffering between everything alive' would disable us from getting anywhere.
We are preoccupied with the good life, and step by step are working toward a better life. What we do, as a conscious species, is set markers for ourselves. Once we reach one marker, we advance to the next — as if we were playing a board game we think will never end, despite the fact that it will, like it or not. And if you are too conscious of not liking it, then you may conceive of yourself as a biological paradox that cannot live with its consciousness and cannot live without it. And in so living and not living, you take your place with the undead and the human puppet.” - Thomas Ligotti, The Conspiracy Against the Human Race

At the end of the day, there is one unifying force that underlines everything good in my life. It counters confusion, it provides peace when all is awry, it requires effort but does not depend on my mood or lessen when I feel weak. It is ever-present and unshakeable. It filters through every single layer of my being, every flaw and imperfection, every doubt and every fear, and can always be depended upon. Sometimes it is hard to accept it, sometimes hard to give, but it is always there to be gifted or received. It cushions me when I fall and comforts me when I feel broken. It entwines my being with light, penetrates to the core of my very soul and emanates outwards to touch every other soul I come into contact with. It is what makes life worthwhile, turning mere survival into a chance to truly thrive..

It is love! And it is wonderful.

‎"With love you don’t bargain. There, the choice is not yours. Love is a mirror, it reflects only your essence, if you have the courage to look in its face." - Rumi


Copyright ©2018 Richard C. Greenlow. All rights reserved.

Particeps Tua

I know you..

You used to be so different. You were sleepwalking through life for so long, with just occasional moments of waking that were so awful you went right back to sleep again, until a day came when you awoke to realise you can sleepwalk no longer. That was the day that everything changed. Oh what a day, of fear and rapture in equal measure!

Somehow you knew things would never be the same. Pandora's box was opened though, any way you cut it, and it just took a while for your brain to catch up to the reality of your new situation. The familiar walls of perception you used to rely upon to compartmentalise everything into were gone. So many things you'd decided were facts, stuff you were taught to believe all your life, suddenly all realised as fairy tales and lies. You awoke from silent slumber into an emerging nightmare..

I know how you felt at that moment, reeling from the enormity of that complex web of deceit, having the whole carpet tugged out from under you like that. But remember the massively freeing feeling when you climbed out of your cage, when the missing puzzle pieces swam into view on the horizon where previously there had been just a fog in the distance? I know you thought about climbing back inside that cage, but there truly is no going back my dear friend. What is seen in truth and light can never be unseen.

How those days were lonely. How you trod the depths of a despair you never thought possible. But you must remember what it was that caused you to rise up from those depths. It wasn't a return to shallow comforts, to that former world where everything was reasonably certain and comfortable but so terribly limited and fake. It was the rising awareness of truth, its light slowly warming your soul from the very core and spreading outwards to every part of your being. It was answers to burning questions, that you didn't even think to ask before, suddenly becoming available in the unlikeliest of places. It was the dawning of your real life.

Know that you don't have to explain your internal struggle to me. I'll always be here to listen, but never feel you have to explain anything. As unique and complex and meandering as your journey has been I know of that journey. I feel your pain. Many times you've climbed up high only to fall, many times they've raised you up only to cuss you down. You've had moments where you've wanted to settle for the numbness of resignation to that state somewhere between sadness and apathy, but that's not you my dear. You're not meant to stay that way. You're meant for far greater things..

You deserve to feel the quiet exaltation that is only gained by breaking out of the prison of your former life, doing all the hard work of conquering your fears and addressing your weaknesses, and choosing to walk on the less travelled road. You've earned the right to a voice and to be heard. Never be scared to use your voice. If they ever try to silence you then shout and scream if you have to, or let me shout for you. I'll be your mouthpiece and I will never let them quieten your thunder. You are wonderful and you are powerful, and they are fearful and they are weak. You will win!

I know the road is long because I walk it with you. I'm beside you, through the twists and turns and bumps and pitfalls, over the hills and through the valleys. I'm not going anywhere without you my dear friend. I'll never leave you behind, and should you take a wrong turn I will gently try to guide you back onto this road. I know you'll find your way back, one way or the other. You'll never be lonely my dear. Even if you turn away, know that I'm always going to be nearby, patiently waiting for you. It's so much nicer to walk this road beside you than to traverse it alone.

I know you so well. You're thinking, "how can I change the world, I can't even change my own life.."

But you can, my dear friend. You can change your life. Any time, any moment, you can change it all just by thinking differently and believing it can be different. Believe in better. Believe it and you will see it! Let your belief change the world. Be the change you want to see in the world. Take small steps. Eventually, those small steps lead to big changes. This is truth, and it is untouchable.

Belief is everything my dear friend. Believe in truth and light and love. Live your life in truth, let the light in and enjoy it's warmth, and use love as your currency. And I'll be here, right beside you, believing in you and with you. Your companion. Always.



Copyright ©2018 Richard C. Greenlow. All rights reserved.

Wishful Thinking

Forgive me, but I'm having a moment..

Why does life have to be so hard? I pay my dues. I strive. I try so hard every moment of every day to keep it real, to be mindful of my faults and forgiving of my weaknesses, to be of service, to be good to people, to accept how things are and deal with them - but it's not enough. I still feel like a failure, even when nothing has happened to trigger such a feeling. It's as though all this hard work is just not enough..

Thing is, I have no choice but to keep on trying. Shit, let's face it, I've tried all the alternatives and they didn't work. Not caring, well that one lasts about five minutes. Far too much empathy in this soul. Far too highly sensitive to even attempt to isolate myself from feelings. Getting lost in the oblivion of self-medication is no answer either. I already know the drugs don't work, spent far too much time in that self-defeating mode. No, once you emerge from that life there is no going back..

Anyway, who am I to elevate my struggles above those of others? Is this just self-pity, or a reasonable outpouring? I can't keep it all in all the time, and I can't let it all out all the time either. I can't seem to win. I can't give up, won't give up, ever - but I am totally struggling to maintain each and every moment. Much of the time I feel as far from good as it is possible to be without being confined to four walls and just shutting down completely. Of course I'm carrying on regardless, there is simply no other way, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. Life is unfair, the world is cruel and unjust and I am just fucking sick of it all right now. And there you have it. Sorry, not sorry..

I wish I had the comfort of magical thinking to cushion me from the punches and kicks that life is throwing my way. I wish I believed in an omnipotent sky god who is up there looking out for me, holding me when I'm so ragged that I can't stand any human touch. I wish I believed in a preordained path to life, with nice little signs to light the way forward. I wish I could pray for some relief and feel lighter. Some things are true whether you believe in them or not, but some things aren't true no matter how much you want to believe in them..

Moment to moment, I'm treading water. I'm not drowning any more, that's for sure, and with some exertion I'm able to keep my head above water, as long as the waters don't get too choppy. But when the darkness inside rises and I can't keep a lid on it, and it leaches out like toxic slime, I feel myself dissociate and become helpless to prevent the poison touching others, and deep inside my soul another fracture is created. They don't deserve to be poisoned. I wish I wasn't poisonous..

The answers are in therapy, in talking it out with one who has unconditional positive regard, one who is objective and knows nothing of me and my shit. I could start today if I had money, but I simply do not have the means. Instead I wearily trudge this treadmill like an obese man with a serious heart condition, knowing I have to do the exercise but fearfully aware that I can't keep it up forever or do too much because my heart will collapse. To the system, I am a name on a waiting list of many, not a priority because I'm not holding a gun to my head and screaming that I'll blow my brains out if they don't help me. I wish they could see how destructive this all is..

I wish, I wish, I wish. Wishful thinking. No basis in reality for these wishes, a waste of thinking time. Except in this dark moment, through these tears of self-pity, by the scream that emanates from the very depths of my soul, I just need to vent. I'm only human. I am just a man. I'm momentarily floored by the magnitude of the things that have brought me to this point, the suffering that my internal battle is causing to those I hold so very dear, the unfairness of having to wait so long for help, and the fear of the monumental effort required ahead to get through this huge impasse. I hope I haven't scared you off, dear readers. It's harsh and it all seems very negative, but it is just one moment. This too shall pass..

And strangely, somehow, I feel a little better.

Copyright ©2018 Richard C. Greenlow. All rights reserved.

Getting There..

Success comes in many forms..

How often do we forget to recognise and celebrate our achievements, however small we might consider them in the grand scheme of things? Herein lies one of the primary reasons people can reach a stage where they feel worthless and like a failure in life. It is all too common for us to only measure success by achievements which are tangible, often material in nature. Passing an exam, getting a new job, getting married, winning an award, buying a new home - these things are rightly worth celebrating and are, of course, some measure of success in life, to some degree. Oft forgotten though are all the steps a person takes to improve themselves and their lives, and all that people do just to maintain their more tangible achievements.

So it is that we can know of people who seems to have it all - plenty of money, a great job, a nice car, a partner, a family, lots of friends etc. In considering whatever measure of success we may deem all that to be though, how often do we fail to notice how people who 'have it all' can actually be very unhappy, despite their outward appearance of success. Conversely, it is almost certain that we all know of people who seem to have very little in life - both in terms of material possessions and signs of 'achievement', yet they are content, self-assured and basically happy with their lot. This is the paradoxical nature of success. We perceive both our own and other people's success in life based on certain presumptions and preconceptions we hold about what success actually means - a faulty and immature perception indeed.

A true measure of success in life can be found in how an individual copes with adversity, how they deal with problems and pain, and how well they learn and grow with the ups and downs of life. This is why people with all the outward signs of a successful life can actually be among the most wounded and troubled souls, whilst people who live with terrible health conditions and in awful poverty and squalor can be among the most content and positive. Opportunity, money, physical beauty, intelligence, education - none of these things guarantees us success in life. In fact there are actually no guarantees at all. Only doing the hard work of growing and changing will give us the best chance of achieving anything close to true success.

“Success is not money, cars, fame or material possessions but the lives you touched positively.” - Ifeanyi Enoch Onuoha

Celebration of the achievements in our lives that are considered 'milestones', such as a new job, passing a test or exam, a new home, getting married, the birth of a child etc. come naturally and usually with great fanfare. Celebrating the steps we take in our personal and emotional/spiritual growth, however, more often than not seem to be almost ignored. There is a growing movement towards the marking and celebration of separation/divorce from an unhappy relationship, but on the whole it would seem that society doesn't accept the huge changes we make to better ourselves as valid or worthy of praise. This really needs to change. In our inner lives, the massive importance of marking and celebrating our achievements in learning to deal with life's difficulties and challenges cannot be overstated. We must give ourselves the credit for every step we take towards self-improvement, big or small.

There is wholly too much judgement going on with regard to personal success, and how we perceive it in others. We need to recognise that our perception of success is usually unreal, that it is born out of a collection of ideals and notions that we have been told or have decided are important in life. We need to take apart our concept of what success means and analyse each bit until we can identify and eliminate the crap, leaving only goals which truly serve us on a path to fulfilment and contentment with life. When it comes to our perception of success in others, we always need to factor in the huge weight of our biases, and our lack of a full and accurate historical picture of who that person is, and how they have come to where they are at.

Lastly, and most importantly of all, we absolutely have to avoid comparing - both one person to another, and ourselves to others. That path only ever leads to a furthering of the sense of worthlessness that we seem to have an infinite, inbuilt capacity for. We are all unique, and are made of the sum total of the personal experience held within us. We are all on a journey of one kind or another, and although sometimes we get stuck or choose the wrong path, each of our journeys is uniquely important and valid in its own right. So celebrate your true successes and let them shine for others to see, ever mindful that while you have earned the right to your success, others may not always share in your positivity.

“Nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, difficulty… I have never in my life envied a human being who led an easy life. I have envied a great many people who led difficult lives and led them well.”  - Theodore Roosevelt


Copyright ©2018 Richard C. Greenlow. All rights reserved.