What's Acceptable?

Acceptance. A double-edged sword of a word. More than that even - a multifaceted and complex concept..

Acceptance can often mean coming to a place where we realise that we cannot change something, and subsequently letting go of our want or need to change it. Sometimes that leads to positive change in itself, in that the very act of letting go of our need to change something stops us expending valuable time and energy with little or no hope of actually affecting real change.

Conversely, sometimes acceptance is allowing something or someone to continue to wrong us, upset us or otherwise negatively affect our lives. We can find ourselves deciding to accept the status quo of any given situation, despite the fact that in doing so we are allowing it to continue to be detrimental to us. And we can make the choice to accept the way people treat us because 'that's just who they are', even though that allows their behaviour to continue to negatively affect us.

Acceptance is intrinsically tied to tolerance. In life we have to continuously engage in a process of choosing what we will tolerate and what we will not, and we have to make judgement calls all the time as to whether to be tolerant or intolerant of situations, attitudes and behaviours. This is often a fairly difficult process, and usually involves quite a bit of time, effort and careful consideration. Indeed, many of the biggest issues we face in our daily lives and the world at large are big issues simply because one person, or a whole group of people, are not doing the essential work of careful consideration, before acting or behaving the way they do in any given situation, or espousing their views regarding any particular issue in life.

So we must choose carefully what we tolerate in others, in order to reduce their ability to negatively affect us, but we must also always be mindful of becoming intolerant to other people simply because their views or the way they live their lives is distasteful to us. It is fine to disagree with others on how they think and what they believe, but we do just have to accept people's different views and lifestyles, as long as they aren't pushing their way of thinking and acting on other people, or encouraging their own kind of intolerance and hatred.

What we do not have to accept is anybody who upsets us with their behaviour simply because they refuse to acknowledge that how they are treating us is wrong. Nor should we accept anyone who is aware that their behaviour towards us is upsetting but expects us to just 'put up with it'. And, whilst we have to accept that sometimes people are genuinely unaware of how their behaviour is negatively affecting us, they have to accept that when they are called out on their negative words or actions they must address the issue with all due care and consideration.

We are all capable of being inconsiderate, ignorant, selfish and downright negative towards others. Such is the nature of the human condition. But we are also capable of reaching inside ourselves and carefully considering how we think and act, in order to foster tolerance, understanding, respect and compassion towards other people, and to ensure we treat people fairly. At the end of the day, interpersonal relationships are always a two-way street. It is not acceptable for one person to just stop in the middle of that street and hold up all the traffic, any more than it is okay to respond to someone's poor driving by getting road rage and ending up driving poorly ourselves.

There are, sadly all too often, situations in life where we have accepted the poor behaviour and actions of others for so long that negativity has become entrenched. The longer this has been the case for, the harder it can be to acknowledge just how bad things are in the first place, let alone challenge the people responsible and go about changing things for the better. Of course, the same is equally true of ourselves. If we harbour negativity towards others we absolutely have to accept responsibility for this and how it affects the people around us.

After all, awareness truly is everything.



Copyright ©2018 Richard C. Greenlow. All rights reserved.

In Mysterious Ways..

Life has a funny way of showing you signs, when you most need them, often when things aren't right, that point to the way forward..

Call it the universe guiding you, call it the hand of God, call it karma, call it serendipity - call it what you will. When we need guidance, help to find a way through overwhelming shit, somehow in these moments the right path reveals itself. And also, even when we are totally not seeking answers, they do seem to reveal themselves to us, and often in the unlikeliest of places and from the strangest of sources. This has been my experience as far back as my memory serves me in life. Moreover, on the rare occasions when I have talked of this to others, they have related to it too, often with the same spine-tingling, goosebump-enducing, soul-rattling realisation!

If you know this phenomenon then you know what I'm on about. If you don't know, then well, perhaps you've just not seen the signs because you've not been aware of them, or ready to accept them? Think about it.. can you honestly say you've never experienced this happening to you? Life can really get all up in your arse. We can get so bogged down in the discomfort, pain and negativity of our lives that we stop feeling anything, except perhaps for bitterness, resentment, anger and ill-will towards everyone and everything. Even if we aren't overwhelmed by negativity, we can unwittingly be the kind of person who is oblivious of anything that we cannot put neatly into a box or explain within the confines of our intellectual and emotional capacity. Our awareness can slide so far from us that, even when the signs are there, we fail to see or even refuse to see them.

Regardless of whether we are able to recognise the signs, or ready to accept the 'guiding light', it is there. I believe it is universally there, always present, and always accessible to us. I don't know how to explain my certainty of the existence of this phenomenon, except for the anecdotal evidence of my personal experience, and that which other people have occasionally shared with me or that I have read about. My analytical brain tells me that one day science will be able to explain it to us with logic and reason, whilst my emotional / spiritual side tells me to accept it as mystery, and that that should be enough.

When I was a child, I believed this thing was 'ghosts' talking to me, but not the ghosts of horror movies and scare stories. They were just 'present', a little unsettling at times, yes, but yet somehow I found them to be 'kind'. I believed that these 'unseen entities' were communicating directly to me. The experience was really of an invisible comforting presence, and kind words in my head - like a gentle, nurturing, quietly chattering dialogue that was there whenever I felt scared and alone. My memory is hazy as to how young I was when I first experienced the phenomenon, but I just know somehow that at some point I simply became aware of it, accepted it and rolled with it. I vividly recall having actual verbal dialogue with the 'presence', and recall 'hearing' verbal responses inside my head. In similarly vague fashion, I am aware that at some point later in childhood, maybe around 7 or 8 years old perhaps, suddenly the presence was gone. I don't know what changed, only that it corresponds with what I now know to be the age at which my mental health began to show manifest signs of serious problems.

I'm unsure how long I felt set adrift, how long I saw no signs of its presence and felt no 'comforting force' at play, but I do know that I suddenly found myself back in touch with the phenomenon around the age of 14, following my early experiments with drugs - specifically cannabis. Getting stoned, listening to the psychedelic sounds of early Pink Floyd records, I suddenly 'connected', or perhaps reconnected, with this mysteriously inexplicable yet wholly positive force. So did those around me who were partaking in these 'sessions', even though we didn't recognise or talk about it together as such. We would enter into discussions about the world, the nature of life and meaning of things, for really the first time in our lives. These were truly wonderful, positive, mind-expanding experiences, and always seemed to be somehow 'guided' by an unseen hand.

Other drugs, experimented occasionally with in subsequent years, seemed to enable a direct connection with this 'universal guiding force', namely LSD and psilocybin mushrooms. Although these sessions were few and far between, they were massive leaps into not just the experience of direct communication with the phenomenon, but hugely mind-expanding experiences which opened up my consciousness to an acceptance of the existence, importance and nature of this intangible and elusive 'force', and to the dawning of my understanding of the true nature of the world and my place in it. By the time I was approaching my early 20's I had come to a point where my eyes had been well and truly opened.

Throughout my 20's I bounced from one existential crisis to the next, as the twin ravages of mental illness and drug addiction plagued my life. I was basically either naturally or artificially on a high, or down in the dark depths of overwhelming depression. Looking back, I can see that I was experiencing the phenomenon, the 'guiding force', in both states of mind. In my high moments and through engagement in various psychological therapies I found myself guided towards huge leaps in my understanding of the world and how it works, and simultaneously in my understanding and awareness of my inner world, how my mind works and how to change my thinking and grow as a person. Even in my lowest moments, as evidenced through the poetry and music I was writing at the time, I was very aware of the signs, and ultimately of the path ahead that was lit up so bright that not even the darkest depression could cast a shadow upon it.

Something fucked up happened in my early 30's however, which all but shut me off from the phenomenon. I hit absolute rock bottom with my mental health, made several almost-successful suicide attempts and subsequently went into total psychosis. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, put on massive doses of anti-psychotic medication and even hospitalised for a time. I gave up all the illicit drugs voluntarily and completely. During the subsequent years, although I was mentally stable from an outward medical perspective, and certainly no longer disabled by crippling anxiety, depression and mood swings, I was emotionally basically a zombie. I had a permanent creative block for over 8 years. Also, I only now realise, I was spiritually totally shut down. I had pretty much no awareness of the 'guiding force' at all, so much so that I all but forgot it even existed - but not quite fully, for I recall moments of what I can only describe as 'mourning' for the loss of contact with that force. I knew I was adrift again, like those years of later childhood / early adolescence, and I could not see any signs or feel that gentle guiding hand touching my life.

Last year I came to the realisation, after massive amounts of research and an equal amount of soul-searching and agonising with my wife and closest confidants, that I needed to make the decision to reduce and eliminate the anti-psychotic medication. I did it the right way, with the help of medical professionals. It has been over a year since I have been completely free of psychiatric drugs, save for the minimum therapeutic dose of mood-stabilising medication for the bipolar disorder. My emotions have returned, my feelings are back and my spiritual side has awakened. This began almost the very moment I completely ceased to take the anti-psychotics. In that time, those 'signs' I spoke of before have reappeared. I have also experienced the return of some pretty spiky mood swings, massive amounts of anxiety and short-lived but difficult periods of depression. This has led me back to therapy, and in the last couple of months I have finally got to the root cause, not bipolar but my core internal issues - complex PTSD from childhood trauma - and I have dealt with it, and continue to deal with it. The symptoms have massively reduced. I have never felt more free, or more positive.

I can now feel the guiding light of this phenomenal force in my life basically all the time. I see the signs everywhere and anywhere I care to look. My creativity has returned, but with new drive, focus and impetus. I am recalling past knowledge and reconnecting with everything I've ever learned. I am learning new things all the time, assimilating valuable knowledge and broadening my horizons like never before. Whilst I have never felt more totally in control of my feelings, emotions and moods, I also have never felt more guided and directed - by the gentle, kind, ever-present, nurturing hand of the force which has, I just know, always been with me and always will.

I don't know what to call it really. I can't explain it with logic and reasoning. And you know what? I really don't feel the need to. I talk to others occasionally and they come to their own conclusions as to the nature of this phenomenon, as I'm sure you will too. It really doesn't matter what we call it, or how we define it, or in what way we try to rationalise it's nature - it is real, and I believe, universal. And it is absolutely a force for good.

One thing's for sure - it has always been there for me, through thick and thin, and it continues to guide me. As long as I stay open to its truth and light, it is there for me - showing me signs, gently guiding me, illuminating the path ahead.

And somehow, I know it always will be.

Copyright ©2018 Richard C. Greenlow. All rights reserved.

Difference is..

It often truly sucks to be 'different' doesn't it?

It's fine if we choose to be different, to express our individuality through our image, our choice of culture, our beliefs, our thoughts and views, our words and deeds - and as long as we aren't forcing our individuality upon other people, this is something to be celebrated right?

For many though, being different is not a lifestyle choice. It is an affliction.

Despite all the good work that has been done in recent years, and the continuing great work of many dedicated individuals and organisations, to raise awareness and combat the stigmatisation of those with physical, mental and neurological disabilities, we still live in a society that often totally fails to treat the most vulnerable with the respect they deserve, and that fails to place value in people with disability issues despite the massive contribution they have to offer us.

People who live with any kind of long term chronic condition, illness or disability which affects their ability to live their daily lives independently, and yet thrive in spite of these conditions, truly do have so much to offer us all in terms of teaching us about resilience, strength of will and courage against all the odds. To negate or ignore the importance and value of that contribution is a crime in and of itself.

When you have accepted people looking down on you, treating you with disdain and derision, taking advantage of your vulnerabilities and generally judging you as inferior and/or maladjusted all your life, it can be very hard to break through the self-deprecation and stigmatisation that inevitably become a massive feature within your sense of self. It can be very damaging to your identity, and can create emotional and psychological problems on top of your often already highly challenging mental and physical health situation.

People judging and looking down on you is one thing, but it is often also the case that even others around you who are generally well-meaning and considerate of your disabilities just don't know how to handle their interactions with you. They often overcompensate and unintentionally make life more difficult and awkward for you, or they make your disability an issue when it doesn't need to be, or just generally tend to avoid fully being a part of your life - seemingly to save your feelings or to avoid 'offending you' - but really I believe the motivation is often a more selfish drive to avoid their own awkwardness and lack of awareness of your condition or impediment.

Different types of disability bring their own unique shades of difficulty in negotiating the world, but they also bring their own unique kinds of challenges when it comes to other people's perceptions. I wouldn't dream of generalising or suggesting one individual's disability challenges are harder than another, based on my meagre experience or the less than complete picture I have gained from reading of disabled peoples experiences. I do have experience of my own personal issues, not to mention friends and family with their own disabilities and who have children with long term conditions, and who care for disabled people though. It's not about one persons struggle versus another, of course, but I would suggest that it may well in some ways be more difficult for people with 'invisible' disabilities to face the reactions and behaviour of others towards them than it is for those with more obvious physical conditions.

If you are wheelchair-bound, use a mobility scooter, walk with a stick or other mobility device, have an obvious limp or prosthetic limb, or face the outside world with any other physically apparent disability, at least other people can see you obviously have that impediment and tend to make some effort to give you space, open doors for you, ask you if they can be of assistance, or whatever. I feel that for those with any of the multitude of hidden disabilities though - mental illness, chronic pain, nerve and immune disorders, and all the other less obvious physical conditions - there is often at best an 'out of sight out of mind' kind of thing going on with other people, and at worst a prevailing poor attitude and even lack of belief that you even have the illness or disability. For those with neurological conditions such as autism spectrum disorders, ADD/ADHD and similar disabilities, this poor attitude and lack of awareness seems to be even further entrenched and apparent.

It is my hope that with the continued drive by brave individuals and great campaigning organisations, public awareness of all kinds of disability and the ways in which long term impediments and chronic conditions affect every aspect of people's lives, and through efforts to prevent and eliminate the stigmatisation of differently-abled people, we will see a corresponding increase in the growth of compassion, awareness and understanding of the needs of disabled people, and a furthering of their right to live independent lives and to contribute to society.

Vulnerability and disability must be combated by empowerment, opportunity and equality at all levels, if we truly want to live in a compassionate, humane and just world.



Copyright ©2018 Richard C. Greenlow. All rights reserved.

'Aint All About You

Life's a journey of discovery, adventure, challenge and learning, isn't it?

I mean, sure, not ALL the time. That would be unrealistic, not to mention utterly exhausting! Sometimes we can and should have periods of sitting back and just letting it all unfold around us, or simply chilling out and switching off for a while. What I'm saying is that when we're truly living at our best, we're constantly having to work on thinking about things, problem-solving, reflecting and rethinking our positions on stuff.

I firmly believe that often the only really major mistake people make in their lives is to get to a place where they believe they 'know it all' already, or at least they feel they no longer need to learn or change anything, and they stop making the effort to keep on adapting their thinking as they continue through life. At best that way leads invariably to stagnation -  getting 'set in your ways' - and at worst to becoming so completely out of touch with the world and other people that narrow-mindedness, prejudice and various neurotic thinking patterns set in. The nature of human entropy - the fact that our thinking becomes out of touch with reality if not continuously challenged - dictates this to be inevitable anyway.

The work of self-analysis, self-awareness, self-discipline, self-improvement and self-actualisation, whilst absolutely a positive and I believe essential ongoing process we should all be doing, is by it's very nature a selfish thing. The clue is in the name, right! This is what leads me to write this piece. There are, just as with anything else one does in life, pitfalls to this otherwise wholly positive and beneficial process. There is always the danger that in our work on 'the self' we can become too self-absorbed. Take my journey for instance. I hear it often, usually from the lips of my amazingly wise and incredibly patient wife, and I've learnt to listen and take heed..

"It's not always all about you sweetie."

What sage words of advice!

My mental health journey has invariably led me to spending inordinate amounts of time and energy thinking and talking about myself - usually to just about anyone and everyone who will listen. One of my particular and unique issues has always been the sense of not being listened to by key others, at the key moments in life when it was essential for my growth and continued nurture. Although I have finally come to a resolution on this, it still has an affect on my everyday life, and no doubt it always will be one of my weaknesses. I therefore have to always be conscious and mindful of the fact that I can get a bit selfish and bang on about myself too much sometimes.

Different mental illnesses and neuroses, and the stresses and strains that people suffer and struggle with, short and long term, cause differing levels of selfishness and predication towards this 'self-absorbed' tendency. I do believe, however, that this concept is something which is probably universally applicable to the human experience. We don't need to be a basket case, or even 'going through the ringer' to fall into the trap of allowing things to become 'all about us', at the expense of others. We can be the very model of stability and 'totally sound of mind', yet still fall into the 'self self self' trap. After all, we're each of us essentially alone inside our minds, within our conscious thinking, are we not? It can get crammed in there, and it can get toxic so easily if we fail to be sufficiently self-aware.

I don't think it needs to be a huge deal for us to combat this tendency towards self-absorption either. Changing our mindsets, dealing with problems and pain in life, striving to be better - all this requires continuous and often hard work. Accepted. But I don't accept that it is necessarily such a difficult thing to avoid becoming selfish throughout the process of our work on the self. If we are mindful of the tendency to neglect the rights, needs and feelings of others in our lives, we can very much reduce and hopefully negate the possibility of it happening too much, or indeed at all.

It's not perfection we're striving for ultimately, just improvement - and continued awareness that other people's needs exist beyond our inner worlds, and we must strike a balance between our own requirements for peace of mind, stability, well being and progress in life, and that of the other people around us.



Copyright ©2018 Richard C. Greenlow. All rights reserved.

A Handful Of Ideas

Unusual post from me today..

Over the years I have amassed a large collection of what I refer to as 'little bits of wisdom and inspiration', from a wide range of sources. I'm not really going to write anything here, I'm just going to let these choice quotes / memes / affirmations or whatever you want to call them do the talking..

On Awakening..

On The Mind..

On Kindness / Unkindness..

On Loved Ones..

On Wisdom..

On Thinking..

On Sanity / Insanity..

On Culture..

On Success..

On Fear..

On Truth..

And finally, one of my absolute favourites - if not for it's plain simplicity, then for it's pure universal truth..

Empowered

I never thought I'd get to this point..

I look around me these days and I realise I see positivity everywhere. I feel positive nearly all the time, about nearly everything. Even when I see wholly negative things around me I'm finding the positives in them, or at the very least, I no longer feel overwhelmed by negativity.

You see, my eyes have been well and truly open for a long time, and yet, glazed over by the massive weight of my life's emotional baggage, the darkness of my inner demons, and my daily struggle just to regulate my mood and keep my feelings in check. It has been a royally monumental mission just to maintain an internal equilibrium and an external demeanour that enables me to even function as an adult.

Now I have this energy that motivates me in pretty much every way, that I don't recall ever fully having before. I am sprightly on my feet, moving around in an almost effortless gliding fashion, where before I was either in too much of a rush and burning out rapidly, or walking through the treacle of fatigue and lethargy. My thoughts come in a wonderful free-association flow, not in the confused and disjointed way I associate with past bipolar manic episodes, but in a truly free-flowing ordered ensemble.

I am reaching out to people socially, in a measured and calm way, without the awkwardness and doubts that used to hold me back from these interactions. I share my innermost thoughts and feelings with a select few trusted friends, and they reciprocate, and it's easy and it's stimulating and it's therapeutic all at once. I've had this before only ever in fits and starts. Now it comes naturally, so naturally it is almost as if an unseen guiding force is easing and smoothing the process. It is truly an amazing change.

It's only been a matter of a few weeks, perhaps 2 months at best, that this 'new me' has been in action and already I have dealt with huge highs and lows, both personally and through the life events and experiences of close friends and family. I have been able to offer words of comfort and support, and received the same, and acted with integrity, honesty and empathy at all times, without any real huge effort of will. It all just feels utterly natural - I've genuinely 'found myself', and I actually, at long last, really love what I've found.

I realise now just how utterly lost I have been for so long. I always knew I was 'sub-living' - just surviving the ravages of mental ill-health and the series of shitty circumstances that have plagued me most of my life. But I had accepted that I would never live up to my potential, that my creative endeavours would never come to more than 'half a page of scribbled lines', to borrow the Pink Floyd lyric. I had settled for simply surviving as just 'my lot in life', and concluded that truly thriving - getting my real work in writing, poetry, music and whatever else I choose done and out there into the world - to be but a pipe-dream. Again, in the immortal words of Pink Floyd, I was merely 'hanging on in quiet desperation'.

Those day are over, forever. And with this creative surge, this measured and yet massive wave of energy that compels me to express myself, also comes a transformation to my personality. I have become much more assertive, empowered and determined to refuse to accept behaviour in others which is negative and hurtful, and to challenge it whenever and wherever I see it. I have become more tolerant of people's faults and flaws, and paradoxically, less willing to suffer fools or tolerate careless words and actions that are hurtful towards others. I am stronger, yet with increased humility. I am bolder, yet more discreet and careful with other people's feelings.

Writing this blog has been healing, motivating, liberating and exciting. It has given me a voice for my thoughts and feelings. It has even at times touched others, and helped them in some way. Reaching out with words of positivity in the face of adversity, ever the overall theme of my writing if nothing else, has led me to receive these occasional bits of feedback from people that have touched my heart and stimulated me to continue, indeed, to accelerate the pace of my work. With this in mind, and in no small part due to the gentle but regular prompting of my darling wife, I have decided to begin vlogging. The aim will be the same as that of this blog, but with the emphasis on all things mental health - it will be motivational, affirming and, I hope, empowering to anyone who suffers with problems of the mind.

I will of course continue to write my blog, share my poetry and pursue my musical endeavours. Within the limitations of time, the day job and raising my family, I aim to send out into the world all the positivity I can, in any way I can. It helps me, and it drives me onwards, and I hope that it can and will help others too..

Until next time.



Copyright ©2018 Richard C. Greenlow. All rights reserved.

Poetry Corner VI

It's that time again. I know I usually don't do poetry corner more than once a month, but lately I've been seemingly rather plugged into the old metre and verse. So without further ado, here's 3 of my latest little ditties.

Whatever You Need

Dunno' what to do

Or what to say,

Dunno' what sounds best

Or what to play.

No idea if there's answers

Or real solutions,

Dunno' how to ease the pain

Or help in any way.

It's no longer all about me

I've no information to work from,

No insight to rely upon,

To help you find your way.

Don't care about my feelings,

Just want your pain to heal.

Need information to work from

To help me guide you through.

I'm stumbling blind in the dark

Through invisible obstacles,

Trying to navigate a path

That might lead to your side.

This is all so new

But I'm in for the long haul.

I can step back from you,

Or be resolute and stand tall.

I can be the strong one,

Take on anything you need.

Trust me to do anything,

If it helps you it helps me.

Even if there's nothing,

No words or thoughts or deeds,

I'm here with you regardless

To take care of your needs.

R. C. Greenlow

[08.11.2018]

Mountains And Mole-Hills

When big storms blow in,

Buffeted by shocks and traumas,

I seem to make like a shark,

An automaton on a mission.

Yet the silly daily annoyances,

The hiccups that interrupt my flow,

Seem to trigger a disabling rage

That reduces me to tantrums.

What is it about the really big stuff

That inspires such coping abilities?

How do I traverse these mountains

With such innate calm and control?

And yet, what is it about the little things

That utterly disables my equanimity?

Why does every mole-hill I encounter

Trip me up, as if I’m as blind as the mole?

Give me crises, trauma and disaster

And I’ll help you over the bridges I build,

I’m an island of calm, a refuge and shelter,

When surrounded by terror and strife.

Yet petty annoyances and minor niggles

Drive me to almost instant distraction,

And as all logic and reasoning evaporate

I’m left feeling like a two year-old child.

‘Don’t sweat the small stuff’ I hear so oft,

As if that was the easiest thing in the world,

But the mole-hills that litter my daily life

Have become without doubt my Achilles heel.

So give me mountains any day of the week,

I climb and I conquer and I thrive,

But just leave the room when I lose my mind

Over the littlest things in the world.

R. C. Greenlow
Inspired by Nathaniel George

[11.11.2018]

Ode To Her

She's not here..

Right now, she just can't be.

She's not here..

And I don't blame her one bit.

She's got to take time out..

For herself and her sake.

And though I miss her so,

Though I need her presence,

Though I want to hold her close..

It's really isn't all about me.

So take your time..

Take all the time you need love.

Rest up my sweet,

Take your sweet time.

Do whatever you need to do..

Don't worry about me.

Take all the time in the world..

I ain't going nowhere.

R. C. Greenlow

[08/11/2018]

Copyright ©2018 Richard C. Greenlow. All rights reserved.

In Crisis

So here she finds herself once again..

Lost in confusion, grief, anger and sadness, with the overwhelming feeling that nobody actually ever really seems to care enough about her to make sure she's alright.

It really shouldn't have to take such a crisis for her pain to be acknowledged. It really shouldn't be like this at all. She's thinking that if only things had been different, or she had expressed herself better, or if she wasn't so closed-off, or if she'd been helped at those key times in the past when she did reach out, if she'd ever had even five minutes to think about how she was feeling, none of this would be happening to her now.

She's hiding in the corner of the room, in the dark, surrounded by the remnants of all her dreams and hopes, crushed by the weight of circumstance and the echoing memory of a few wrong words spoken at just the wrong time, her soul screaming as her body shudders and sobs, wracked with panic and fear, breaking into pieces on the floor. She's bleeding tears which sting her face and offer absolutely no relief from the trauma of emotions tied up inside her.

Establishing how it came to this isn't really necessary or particularly helpful, any more than applying temporary sticking plaster solutions to these wounds will help. In fact, long term, all that kind of approach has ever done is extend and entrench her suffering. There's no quick fix solutions, no short-termist treatment plan and no standardised, established, 'tried and tested' methodology that can be applied to her condition.

What she needs is understanding. She needs to be heard and to feel listened to, reassured that she's not crazy to be feeling so overwrought, told that it is her life story that has led her to where she is, not some failing within her personality or some psychiatric condition at play. She needs to have her life's pains acknowledged, her struggle against the shit in her life validated, and the issues that have led her to feel she has unsuccessfully dealt with life's problems analysed and assessed and worked through, not criticised or demeaned and brushed off, only to be swept back under the carpet to simply fester.

She needs unconditional positive regard. She needs a stranger, an outsider, one who knows much of the tools and techniques of emotional problem-solving, with a proven track record in breaking down the psychological barriers and walls which we all create in our minds, one armed with a weighty toolbox of the things which will help loosen the tightly-coiled springs of her thinking, help her expand her viewpoint and challenge her mindset on that which ails her, and assist her in the process of identifying and deconstructing the complex feelings and neuroses which have led her to this dark place in her life.

She needs help, and now. She needs the right kind of help, right now. She needs it urgently and regularly and intensively in order to prevent this crisis becoming a full-blown disaster, with all the associated life-changing consequences that that will have on her and her family. She is in dire, urgent, acute medical need of help. And yet, despite this '999 emergency', the flashing blue light first-response immediacy of her need, despite the potentially disastrous long term implications of not getting immediate treatment, despite all of that - she's not going to get anything like the help she needs..

No doctor is coming out to visit her when she collapses because she just can't cope. No team of nurses is on hand to care for her basic needs and look after her basic human rights whilst she does the hard work of addressing her state of mind. No psychiatrist is available to administer temporary pharmaceutical relief, if and when required, just to smooth the pains of any particular moment, or to help her sleep, or to help her get past these times of overwhelming emotional overload. No psychologist is going to offer her an assessment and provide her with a treatment path which can facilitate her growth beyond this awful impasse, tackle her issues with pain and problems in her life, and enable her to move on past this crippling state of emotional, psychological and spiritual paralysis.

None of this is going to happen. There will be half-arsed pathetic attempts by G.P's at assessing her, if and when she presents with anxiety, depresson etc. There will be offers of support, in the form of signposting to organisations which 'can help you deal with things'. There will be vague, ineffective and basically pointless scratching around by the medical profession to show that there's been some sort of attempt made at 'treating her condition'. There will be nothing she actually really needs offered, and either no reason given for this at all, or some matter-of-fact acknowledgement that unfortunately 'this is all we can do given the limitations of the healthcare system we work under'. Budget cuts, under-funding, lack of resources, shortage of trained staff, blah, blah, blah..

The most bitter pill to swallow in all this is that the help she needs right now - that 'right kind of help', from the right kind of therapist, is actually readily available within just walking distances of our home. Just in our small local town alone, there are at least half a dozen mental health professionals armed with all the knowledge and ability to help her right away, in whatever way she needs. Therapists with a proven track-record in addressing the kind of issues she is facing, and helping with just the kind of problems that she faces right now. They are right there, available as and when required, basically all the time. Problem solved, right?

Wrong.

They are private medical professionals. The UK healthcare system does not, never has and never will offer to provide this sort of help for people with mental health and emotional well-being problems. Regardless of its effectiveness, as proven by decades of successfully treated patients, tailored psychological treatment and bespoke emotional support remains strictly in the domain of private healthcare. It basically costs a fortune. She would need at least one hourly session a week, for as long as is necessary to help her get to the root of her problems and for an effective treatment plan to be devised and put into action. We're invariably talking about paying £50 an hour, whichever therapist is chosen.

And sadly, desperately fucking horribly sadly, our family budget can't even stretch beyond about £5.

Tell me, tell her - tell us .. what the fuck are we supposed to do now?



Copyright ©2018 Richard C. Greenlow. All rights reserved.

Poetry Corner V

Recent weeks have been tumultuous in my life, and as such I haven't had time to fully process and reflect on events, let alone write about everything that has been going on. Suffice it to say that I shall be bringing the edited version to these pages, as soon as time and cognition allows, for those of you who find my mental meanderings interesting..

In the meantime, here's are this months three poetic offerings, straight from the rabbit hole of my mind and up onto the surface.

Have a blessed November folks.

Forward March

Absolutely free

To be absolutely me,

It's all absolutely fine

Now I see it all so clearly.

I make no excuses,

Got my purpose and my uses,

But through past abuses

I've let my people down.

So this is me restating

There'll be no more hating,

No pointless time-wasting,

As there's so much to do.

I'll forgive myself, if you do,

Get on with what we're meant to,

Stand up for what's really true

And help others do it too.

So lean on my shoulder

And I will be your soldier,

As we gradually grow older

Together, ever onwards.

R. C. Greenlow

[05.11.2018]

What Negativity?

Fed up with their whining,

Or am I the complainant?

They’ve got me second-guessing

And the hypocrisy is blatant,

But I know who I am inside

Despite all the cruelty around.

I’ll never stand down,

I’ll just hold on for the ride.

The stuff that really matters,

Over which I have no control,

Drives my mind half crazy

And claws right at my soul.

Through all the self-searching,

I find myself here again

Holding this familiar pen,

While my senses are lurching.

Is this normal or wrong?

Is this a poem or a song?

Will it always be this way?

What am I trying to say?

Am I too indifferent?

Not even sure that makes sense,

Surely I’m too self-assured

To sit on the fence?

Stay strong they say,

But what do they really know?

I’ll just go with the flow

And deal with it my own way.

Is this normal or wrong?

Am I going on too long?

Will it always be this way?

What was I going to say?

Is this how it will be?

Will my doubts fade away?

And, eventually,

Will I know what to say?

R. C. Greenlow

[03/10/2017]

Learning, Slowly

Life is all about endings and beginnings,

The old has to die for new things to begin,

We’re breathing through cycles of hope and fear

To try to clear a path to a future we can’t see.

Clarity is in short supply, so we hide behind

The cold comfort of our outdated excuses,

But nothing good ever comes of our refusal

To accept that change is, ultimately, inevitable.

Incredible then, to imagine ever having not known

That what we reap in life is the harvest we’ve sown!

Alone, we design and manufacture our own destiny,

The rest of the story rests purely on our coping abilities.

I don’t have answers to more than a mere fraction of things

That we all have to ponder and negotiate and decide,

If we are not to simply hide from the inevitable rising tide

Of life’s meandering path towards the gaining of real insight.

One thing I truly do know for sure though is this fact;

That how we act is a reflection of our innermost thoughts,

So surely we ought to be always improving our thinking

In order to be rising up, instead of just slowly sinking.

R. C. Greenlow

[06.11.2018]

Copyright ©2018 Richard C. Greenlow. All rights reserved.