Empowered

I never thought I'd get to this point..

I look around me these days and I realise I see positivity everywhere. I feel positive nearly all the time, about nearly everything. Even when I see wholly negative things around me I'm finding the positives in them, or at the very least, I no longer feel overwhelmed by negativity.

You see, my eyes have been well and truly open for a long time, and yet, glazed over by the massive weight of my life's emotional baggage, the darkness of my inner demons, and my daily struggle just to regulate my mood and keep my feelings in check. It has been a royally monumental mission just to maintain an internal equilibrium and an external demeanour that enables me to even function as an adult.

Now I have this energy that motivates me in pretty much every way, that I don't recall ever fully having before. I am sprightly on my feet, moving around in an almost effortless gliding fashion, where before I was either in too much of a rush and burning out rapidly, or walking through the treacle of fatigue and lethargy. My thoughts come in a wonderful free-association flow, not in the confused and disjointed way I associate with past bipolar manic episodes, but in a truly free-flowing ordered ensemble.

I am reaching out to people socially, in a measured and calm way, without the awkwardness and doubts that used to hold me back from these interactions. I share my innermost thoughts and feelings with a select few trusted friends, and they reciprocate, and it's easy and it's stimulating and it's therapeutic all at once. I've had this before only ever in fits and starts. Now it comes naturally, so naturally it is almost as if an unseen guiding force is easing and smoothing the process. It is truly an amazing change.

It's only been a matter of a few weeks, perhaps 2 months at best, that this 'new me' has been in action and already I have dealt with huge highs and lows, both personally and through the life events and experiences of close friends and family. I have been able to offer words of comfort and support, and received the same, and acted with integrity, honesty and empathy at all times, without any real huge effort of will. It all just feels utterly natural - I've genuinely 'found myself', and I actually, at long last, really love what I've found.

I realise now just how utterly lost I have been for so long. I always knew I was 'sub-living' - just surviving the ravages of mental ill-health and the series of shitty circumstances that have plagued me most of my life. But I had accepted that I would never live up to my potential, that my creative endeavours would never come to more than 'half a page of scribbled lines', to borrow the Pink Floyd lyric. I had settled for simply surviving as just 'my lot in life', and concluded that truly thriving - getting my real work in writing, poetry, music and whatever else I choose done and out there into the world - to be but a pipe-dream. Again, in the immortal words of Pink Floyd, I was merely 'hanging on in quiet desperation'.

Those day are over, forever. And with this creative surge, this measured and yet massive wave of energy that compels me to express myself, also comes a transformation to my personality. I have become much more assertive, empowered and determined to refuse to accept behaviour in others which is negative and hurtful, and to challenge it whenever and wherever I see it. I have become more tolerant of people's faults and flaws, and paradoxically, less willing to suffer fools or tolerate careless words and actions that are hurtful towards others. I am stronger, yet with increased humility. I am bolder, yet more discreet and careful with other people's feelings.

Writing this blog has been healing, motivating, liberating and exciting. It has given me a voice for my thoughts and feelings. It has even at times touched others, and helped them in some way. Reaching out with words of positivity in the face of adversity, ever the overall theme of my writing if nothing else, has led me to receive these occasional bits of feedback from people that have touched my heart and stimulated me to continue, indeed, to accelerate the pace of my work. With this in mind, and in no small part due to the gentle but regular prompting of my darling wife, I have decided to begin vlogging. The aim will be the same as that of this blog, but with the emphasis on all things mental health - it will be motivational, affirming and, I hope, empowering to anyone who suffers with problems of the mind.

I will of course continue to write my blog, share my poetry and pursue my musical endeavours. Within the limitations of time, the day job and raising my family, I aim to send out into the world all the positivity I can, in any way I can. It helps me, and it drives me onwards, and I hope that it can and will help others too..

Until next time.



Copyright ©2018 Richard C. Greenlow. All rights reserved.