Not Broken

When you see someone smiling, getting on with their job or whatever, seeming content, how do you really know that they're okay? Do you take on face value how that person comes across? Do you find yourself wondering how they do it? How they maintain their repose even in really stressful situations? Do you maybe even feel a hint of envy on some level that they have it so apparently easy, or that they handle life so well?

Well, I have to tell you, don't do that..

Nobody has it easy.

Take the most relaxed, calm, agreeable person you know. You don't know what depths of hell they might have plumbed before they arrived at a point where they could be at peace with life. How about the strong, dependable, kind and funny person you love to be around? Hard to imagine them at the bottom of a bottle and wasted on drugs, a hopeless, selfish, destructive addict, for years on end. What of the single mother you know and see as a perfect role model, dedicated, selfless and nurturing with every ounce of her being - worlds apart from the suffocation of the abusive, oppressive, authoritarian parents she had to endure.

Think about everyone you know, everyone you meet and everyone you know of. How many of them would you say are really okay? What exactly is okay anyway? Normal? Then, what exactly is normal?

Many people equate normality with being happy. I hate to break it to them, but happy is not normal. It's simply not a normal human state of mind. Happiness comes in fits and starts. It's a nice meal, a crafty smoke, an orgasm. Happy is a fleeting and temporary emotion, and those who think they can live life in a perpetual state of happiness are deluded. Worse, those who constantly pursue this state of mind are heavily prone to falling. That path is littered with the unavoidable traps of habituation, addiction and obsession, and its destination is the mirror opposite of anything good.

We've been brainwashed by a mono-culture, born of a profoundly sick society, that holds that anyone who isn't 'happy' has something fundamentally wrong with them. They must not be making enough 'effort' in life, not putting in enough 'work'. They do not fit into the illusion of a perfect life that society has deemed acceptable, an illusion manufactured with the sole purpose of making people feel inadequate in the first place purely so that they'll buy stuff they don't really need to try to feel better.

I'm here to tell you it is okay to be not okay. It's not only okay, it's far healthier than pretending otherwise. Everyone has their cross to bare. The trick is to do it with some grace and style, if you can, and if you can't, seek help, find support and learn how to change the way you are thinking about all of this. It's a long and difficult road, but the journey teaches you more than you ever thought possible.

Unusually for this blog, I decided to end on a poem which I wrote the other week, if you'll indulge me..

How do you fix what is not broken?
When you think your latest foolish notion
Is some groundbreaking observation
As it provides you with false elation,
Carries you along on its high ride,
Until you hit the flip side,
Surfing sudden strong waves incoming on the tide
To arrive at the dark island where you hide.

Temporary solace can be found there,
You can wallow in apathy, pretend you don't care,
But sooner or later reality will start biting.
You either collapse or come out fighting,
The fight is like trying to reach the ceiling
Of the fleeting feelings that gave you meaning,
Whilst reeling from an invisible attack
By the blackness of thoughts held back.

"If it ain't broke don't try to fix it" they say,
But you found the exception to the rule today,
By stumbling through darkness you found a light,
Extracting insight from the forces that blight.
The road less travelled reveals so much more,
It shows you what the pain is really all for,
It's worth years of tears for the wisdom you get
And the peace of a life free from fear of regret.

Copyright ©2018 Richard C. Greenlow. All rights reserved.

Green Eyes

I often find myself envious of people. That is not an easy thing to acknowledge. It is certainly important to identify why this is, especially as it is definitely contributing to my being unhappy. So forgive me if this post is rather self-indulgent. I hope it is still worth sharing.

First off, I need to counter the tendency to think that because there are people worse off than me I shouldn't be unhappy. If this were true then I shouldn't ever feel happy because there are always people better off than me, right? The whole process we tend to go through of comparing ourselves to others is always a self-destructive one anyway. It is never a healthy way to think. That said, I recognise that there is an element of projection going on in this process - alone within ourselves, we tend to project our feelings, particularly our faults and flaws, onto others, even though we know at heart we are all on our own paths.

I am at a stage in life where it is frequently pointed out to me, mainly by the media rather than other people, that there are certain things I should have. Chief among these is having a career and owning my own property. These prime markers of 'life after forty' are things which, to be honest, I have basically no hope of having. Property prices in my part of the world are insane. My career prospects are all but zero. That said, I have a basic job which I enjoy, and myself and my family are relatively comfortable in our privately rented flat. We are not wealthy, but we just about have enough money to manage.

Material things used to be a big issue for me. Twenty years ago I would have had very different priorities, but these days I have come to the point where, aside from paying for life's essentials and the occasional treat, I honestly do not care about money. So I certainly don't envy others in a material sense, but what is at the root of my disquiet?

My history of mental illness would seem to be the logical source of my unhappiness in life. However, despite the ongoing battle with anxiety and the ever-present possibility of a bipolar relapse, I am basically stable and have been for years, and I have never been in a better position to deal with issues as they arise. I am high-functioning - I live a 'normal' life and have a wife and family around me. There is a caveat though. Deep down I do harbor a definite sense of unfairness at the cards life has dealt me. I wonder how my life would have gone if mental illness had not basically stolen my youth. I am envious of people who are not so afflicted.

It is difficult to state that you are of above average intelligence and are highly intellectual without sounding arrogant, but there it is! One would assume this to be a good thing, but in my experience it is more often a curse than a blessing. Our society does not seem to value strong, independent thinkers. Intellectuals have to fight through layers of dross and there are many barriers preventing them from fulfilling their potential. There is a reason why many of the great artists and revolutionary thinkers in history died poor and uncelebrated in their time. I do not claim to be at that level, but I do have an overwhelming sense that my true peers are a million miles away. I am envious of people who do not think so much.

I am envious of the 'average Joe', those people who are happy to just coast along and live an 'average' life. Those people who are happy working nine to five, coming home to watch TV, going to the pub at the weekend, or whatever. I am envious of those people who's goals eventually fit nicely into a career or who's talents lead them into business. Those people who's education actually gave them a path into a fulfilling and prosperous future doing something they love. I am envious of people who didn't spend some of the best years of their lives battling just to survive against an invisible foe that threatened to kill them.

We each have our own measures of success, which should always be a personal thing, not something dictated to us by anyone or anything else. By my own definition of success I am not unsuccessful - I have my wife and family whom I love and who love me, I have a job I enjoy, I have a home and I can get by financially. What I am though is unfulfilled. I feel I have only just arrived at 'day zero', and I have no idea how to proceed. Perhaps much of the envy I feel is natural, but it doesn't help me feel any better. I just feel selfish, and empty.

All I can do is hold on to hope, and believe that this too shall pass. “When you walk to the edge of all the light you have and take that first step into the darkness of the unknown, you must believe that one of two things will happen. There will be something solid for you to stand upon or you will be taught to fly.” - Patrick Overton

Copyright ©2018 Richard C. Greenlow. All rights reserved.