The Generation Gap

You know, when it comes to kids, I think that on the whole, previous generations had it all twisted..

For whatever reasons, be they cultural, sociological, psychological or whatever, the baby-boomers and prior generations seemed to think of children in terms of their own needs and wants, seemingly intent on moulding children in their own image, rather than placing much or any emphasis on the rights of the child and encouragement of independent thought and direction in life. Perhaps we should remind ourselves that the last Victorian-style workhouses in the UK did not close until the early 1930's, and that corporal punishment across all UK state schools was not abolished until 1986. For independent schools this hangover of a bygone era actually persisted until 1999!

I was in junior school between 1981 and 1987. I recall the 'headmaster' as he was then known having a sturdy cane in his office, and I know some of my classmates saw the blunt end of it, even if I managed to avoid that particular fate. It astounds me that this was considered an acceptable or positive way to influence the behaviour of 5-10 year old kids! Teachers back then where either young and new to the job (and pretty poorly trained it has to be said), or proper 'old-school' stalwarts. These older teachers were invariably gruff, harsh, inflexible authoritarians who inspired nothing in us except for fear and a sense of total alienation.

Even during certainly the first two years of my high school education many of the teachers were these same aged, inflexible, authoritarian, old-school disciplinarians. They supposedly 'commanded respect' and had the benefit of many years experience. In reality, they were little more than dusty old dinosaurs, representative of a bygone era, stubbornly refusing to accept changes in social attitudes and associated legislation towards children and their rights, and also to relinquish their 'power' over children through the use of coercion and control. Right up to the turn of the 1990's there were still teachers who would regularly hit us with metal rulers, give us 'donkey-scrubs' to the head, push us up against walls and shout and scream at us right up in our faces.

Experiences of parental discipline seemed to vary widely among my peers, with everything from outright systematic physical and emotional abuse to the mirror-opposite, and pretty much everything in between. On reflection though, it was almost invariably the kids that had firm but fair, nurturing, flexible parents that seemed to be the most confident, content and capable of achieving highly at school. It is worthy of note that many of these kids came from one-parent families, at a time when marriage breakdown and socioeconomic pressures were increasing exponentially.

It strikes me that the baby-boomer generation, on the whole, are a product of their upbringing. As children, they were raised to never question the authority or 'wisdom' of adults, their parents and teachers particularly, and very often under the threat of physical punishment, and psychological coercion and control. I am wary of making sweeping generalisations, but my experience of those now aged 60+ is almost without exception that of a generation of people whose beliefs, views and ideas about people, society and the world at large is stunted, narrow and rooted in the prejudices of the past.

Thankfully, I do know quite a few baby-boomers who are completely different to the rest. They have moved with the times, do not seem to have the inbuilt inflexibility and stubbornness I have so often encountered, and knowing them restores my faith that anyone, regardless of their age or experience of life, can evolve and grow to become a better human being. Likewise, and this really is the crux of the generation-gap thing for me, I know of quite a few baby-boomers who have learned through their children - growing and changing through and with the experience of the next generation - that in order to stay positive and relevant and to continue to have something to contribute to the world one needs to learn from one's offspring.

I have three kids who inspire, challenge, teach, enthral and amaze me in equal measure. They are aged 23, 16 and 7, and each in their own right are by far the biggest influence on my continued positive growth and ability to adapt to an ever-changing world. In as much as I try to guide them, and occasionally have to employ my own kind of discipline and let them know the boundaries, my experience of children is that we truly have far more to learn from them than we can ever hope to teach them. It truly shocks me to think that just a generation ago it was considered a virtue for children to 'be seen and not heard', to obey their parents wishes regardless of their own wants and needs, and that physical and psychological coercion were considered the best way to influence kids.

I hear a lot these days about 'lack of discipline' in schools and in the home. Many would say things have gone 'too far the other way' in terms of how we discipline and guide the next generation, that teachers are too limited in what they can do to deal with unruly and bad behaviour, that parents are too scared to punish their kids for fear of being accused of abuse etc. etc. etc. I can see why, in light of certain highly publicised isolated cases of terrible child abuse caused by systematic failures of the care system, the prevalence of gang culture in inner cities and the false perception that it is poor parenting rather than ingrained poverty and shitty social policy that is the main causal factor, along with the perceived but largely false notion that 'kids these days are out of control', that things have got so skewed and twisted in the minds of many, particularly the older generation.

I'm afraid though that I have to simply call bullshit on the notion that there really is a 'lack of discipline' or that 'things have gone too far the other way'. I would strongly suggest that the whole concept that kids are 'out of control these days' is just utter fallacy - a construct of the media and society conspiring to have us believe that we are raising a generation of delinquent, disrespectful wasters intent on learning nothing and just partying hard and dying young, with no regard for anyone but themselves. That is simply not my experience of my kids, or their friends and peers. Neither is it my experience of the next generation as a whole, as evidenced by the amazing, smart, creative, insightful and positive output of work being produced by not only up and coming artists, musicians and film-makers but young entrepreneurs and those starting out in the world of business, and across the board in workplaces and industries the length and breadth of the country.

Ultimately, I have learned that authoritarianism, coercion and inflexibility in ones approach to raising and teaching children achieves nothing. The world needs understanding, compassion, humility, empathy, respect for all people and indeed all life, and a persistent yet gentle drive towards continued awareness of our impact on our fellow humans, and on this planet and its natural resources. None of this can truly be achieved if we do not learn from the mistakes of previous generations, and adapt accordingly. We can take the positive things our parents taught us, for there are many hidden gems and pearls of wisdom among the less positive stuff they imparted to us, and build on that knowledge with our own experience of changing and adapting to life's challenges.

One thing's for sure, our kids are going to make this world a better place with or without us. Personally, I'm taking a leaf out of their book.



Copyright ©2018 Richard C. Greenlow. All rights reserved.

The Kids

Not so many years ago there was a prevailing poor attitude towards children. It was considered virtuous that 'children be seen and not heard'. It beggars belief that this was ever considered a good thing. The idea that children's opinions, their natural curiosity and ultimately their right to free speech should be stifled or silenced by anyone, let alone those charged with caring for them, is not just detrimental and damaging to them, but to society as a whole.

In reality, we have more to learn from our children than we can ever really teach them..

I am not advocating giving totally free reign to our kids. When making way for their voice leads to rudeness, lack of respect, unkindness and negativity towards others it is important to let them know this is unacceptable, and why. This kind of behaviour is born of a lack of understanding, so it is our jobs as parents, carers, teachers and responsible adults to explain to them why it is wrong and how to treat others with more respect and kindness. Discipline can and should be administered in a firm but fair way. Nurturing a child works. Castigating them does not. If punishment is necessary it must be carefully considered and serve the end purpose of teaching right from wrong without crushing the spirit of the child.

It is said often, by many, but predominantly those of the older generations, that children these days need old-fashioned discipline, as if that is the be-all and end-all of child rearing. I don't know what you think of when this is said, but in my minds eye an image of a school teacher with a cain and a parent with a belt is immediately conjured forth. Along with this I can hear the voices of various 60+ year old individuals chiming together, "if I was out of line I'd get a beating..it never did me any harm". Really? Well bully for you. Literally.

If we use physical punishment to enforce our will upon children, regardless of how 'naughty' they have been or how seemingly effective it might appear in the short term, all we are doing is normalising violence and teaching them that hitting people solves problems. The potential for this to become bullying, not to mention the multifaceted dangers of growing up with the notion that violence can solve our problems, is simply not worth it. Thankfully things have moved on a bit from the 'old school' days, but those who decry today's children as lacking in discipline, harking back to the 'good old days', are perpetuating the myth that fear of adults inspires respect and creates good character in children, when in reality it at best belittles, terrorises and crushes them, and at worst creates the kind of monsters who commit the most unspeakable acts in the world.

Violence against children doesn't just take physical form of course. The scars that can be created by domineering, emotionally abusive parents are perhaps even worse than the bruises that physical punishment administers. It is a tough tightrope to tread as a parent, knowing how to be firm without being too harsh, when to raise the voice just enough to tell them off without making them very unhappy, and knowing when subtle nurture is better than stern admonishment. Of course we want and need to be able to teach our kids right from wrong, respect for others and the importance of listening to those who know better than us, but doing it at the expense of their emotional well-being is tantamount to a crime against humanity. Society is unfortunately teeming with people with mental illness, psychopathy and criminality that directly stems from the shitty parenting they received in their formative years.

As adults we sometimes think we know it all, and of course we often know better than our children on a good many things. So much of what makes us who we are is learned by example, as children, from our parents. If we experience abuse, neglect, bullying and a lack of affection then it is hard to blame us if we become dysfunctional, difficult, destructive adults. We have to lead our kids by our own good example, showing them how to navigate the world successfully without stomping on others, and why it is important to lead a good life for the benefit of ourselves and the rest of the world, balancing personal growth and ambition with morality, humility and kindness. And the crux of the matter is that the whole time we are trying to control, dominate, force or crush our kids into complying with 'the rules' we fail to see and hear the amazing, incredible, wonderful contribution they make in our lives and to the world as a whole.

We truly have so much more to learn from children than we can hope to teach them; their wonder, their natural curiosity, their willingness to learn, their openness to change, their adaptability, their strength of character, their simple but elegant logic, their ability to soak up new information like a sponge, their dedication to those they love, the list goes on and on. Let us not fall into old patterns and ways of doing things that simply don't work, and don't help create a society of better humans than the past. Let us see the kids for what they really are - miraculous gifts of life, to be nurtured and guided on their journey to the best of our ability, so that we might leave the world a better place than that into which we were born.

"Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you." - H. Jackson Brown, Jr.


Copyright ©2018 Richard C. Greenlow. All rights reserved.