In Mysterious Ways..

Life has a funny way of showing you signs, when you most need them, often when things aren't right, that point to the way forward..

Call it the universe guiding you, call it the hand of God, call it karma, call it serendipity - call it what you will. When we need guidance, help to find a way through overwhelming shit, somehow in these moments the right path reveals itself. And also, even when we are totally not seeking answers, they do seem to reveal themselves to us, and often in the unlikeliest of places and from the strangest of sources. This has been my experience as far back as my memory serves me in life. Moreover, on the rare occasions when I have talked of this to others, they have related to it too, often with the same spine-tingling, goosebump-enducing, soul-rattling realisation!

If you know this phenomenon then you know what I'm on about. If you don't know, then well, perhaps you've just not seen the signs because you've not been aware of them, or ready to accept them? Think about it.. can you honestly say you've never experienced this happening to you? Life can really get all up in your arse. We can get so bogged down in the discomfort, pain and negativity of our lives that we stop feeling anything, except perhaps for bitterness, resentment, anger and ill-will towards everyone and everything. Even if we aren't overwhelmed by negativity, we can unwittingly be the kind of person who is oblivious of anything that we cannot put neatly into a box or explain within the confines of our intellectual and emotional capacity. Our awareness can slide so far from us that, even when the signs are there, we fail to see or even refuse to see them.

Regardless of whether we are able to recognise the signs, or ready to accept the 'guiding light', it is there. I believe it is universally there, always present, and always accessible to us. I don't know how to explain my certainty of the existence of this phenomenon, except for the anecdotal evidence of my personal experience, and that which other people have occasionally shared with me or that I have read about. My analytical brain tells me that one day science will be able to explain it to us with logic and reason, whilst my emotional / spiritual side tells me to accept it as mystery, and that that should be enough.

When I was a child, I believed this thing was 'ghosts' talking to me, but not the ghosts of horror movies and scare stories. They were just 'present', a little unsettling at times, yes, but yet somehow I found them to be 'kind'. I believed that these 'unseen entities' were communicating directly to me. The experience was really of an invisible comforting presence, and kind words in my head - like a gentle, nurturing, quietly chattering dialogue that was there whenever I felt scared and alone. My memory is hazy as to how young I was when I first experienced the phenomenon, but I just know somehow that at some point I simply became aware of it, accepted it and rolled with it. I vividly recall having actual verbal dialogue with the 'presence', and recall 'hearing' verbal responses inside my head. In similarly vague fashion, I am aware that at some point later in childhood, maybe around 7 or 8 years old perhaps, suddenly the presence was gone. I don't know what changed, only that it corresponds with what I now know to be the age at which my mental health began to show manifest signs of serious problems.

I'm unsure how long I felt set adrift, how long I saw no signs of its presence and felt no 'comforting force' at play, but I do know that I suddenly found myself back in touch with the phenomenon around the age of 14, following my early experiments with drugs - specifically cannabis. Getting stoned, listening to the psychedelic sounds of early Pink Floyd records, I suddenly 'connected', or perhaps reconnected, with this mysteriously inexplicable yet wholly positive force. So did those around me who were partaking in these 'sessions', even though we didn't recognise or talk about it together as such. We would enter into discussions about the world, the nature of life and meaning of things, for really the first time in our lives. These were truly wonderful, positive, mind-expanding experiences, and always seemed to be somehow 'guided' by an unseen hand.

Other drugs, experimented occasionally with in subsequent years, seemed to enable a direct connection with this 'universal guiding force', namely LSD and psilocybin mushrooms. Although these sessions were few and far between, they were massive leaps into not just the experience of direct communication with the phenomenon, but hugely mind-expanding experiences which opened up my consciousness to an acceptance of the existence, importance and nature of this intangible and elusive 'force', and to the dawning of my understanding of the true nature of the world and my place in it. By the time I was approaching my early 20's I had come to a point where my eyes had been well and truly opened.

Throughout my 20's I bounced from one existential crisis to the next, as the twin ravages of mental illness and drug addiction plagued my life. I was basically either naturally or artificially on a high, or down in the dark depths of overwhelming depression. Looking back, I can see that I was experiencing the phenomenon, the 'guiding force', in both states of mind. In my high moments and through engagement in various psychological therapies I found myself guided towards huge leaps in my understanding of the world and how it works, and simultaneously in my understanding and awareness of my inner world, how my mind works and how to change my thinking and grow as a person. Even in my lowest moments, as evidenced through the poetry and music I was writing at the time, I was very aware of the signs, and ultimately of the path ahead that was lit up so bright that not even the darkest depression could cast a shadow upon it.

Something fucked up happened in my early 30's however, which all but shut me off from the phenomenon. I hit absolute rock bottom with my mental health, made several almost-successful suicide attempts and subsequently went into total psychosis. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, put on massive doses of anti-psychotic medication and even hospitalised for a time. I gave up all the illicit drugs voluntarily and completely. During the subsequent years, although I was mentally stable from an outward medical perspective, and certainly no longer disabled by crippling anxiety, depression and mood swings, I was emotionally basically a zombie. I had a permanent creative block for over 8 years. Also, I only now realise, I was spiritually totally shut down. I had pretty much no awareness of the 'guiding force' at all, so much so that I all but forgot it even existed - but not quite fully, for I recall moments of what I can only describe as 'mourning' for the loss of contact with that force. I knew I was adrift again, like those years of later childhood / early adolescence, and I could not see any signs or feel that gentle guiding hand touching my life.

Last year I came to the realisation, after massive amounts of research and an equal amount of soul-searching and agonising with my wife and closest confidants, that I needed to make the decision to reduce and eliminate the anti-psychotic medication. I did it the right way, with the help of medical professionals. It has been over a year since I have been completely free of psychiatric drugs, save for the minimum therapeutic dose of mood-stabilising medication for the bipolar disorder. My emotions have returned, my feelings are back and my spiritual side has awakened. This began almost the very moment I completely ceased to take the anti-psychotics. In that time, those 'signs' I spoke of before have reappeared. I have also experienced the return of some pretty spiky mood swings, massive amounts of anxiety and short-lived but difficult periods of depression. This has led me back to therapy, and in the last couple of months I have finally got to the root cause, not bipolar but my core internal issues - complex PTSD from childhood trauma - and I have dealt with it, and continue to deal with it. The symptoms have massively reduced. I have never felt more free, or more positive.

I can now feel the guiding light of this phenomenal force in my life basically all the time. I see the signs everywhere and anywhere I care to look. My creativity has returned, but with new drive, focus and impetus. I am recalling past knowledge and reconnecting with everything I've ever learned. I am learning new things all the time, assimilating valuable knowledge and broadening my horizons like never before. Whilst I have never felt more totally in control of my feelings, emotions and moods, I also have never felt more guided and directed - by the gentle, kind, ever-present, nurturing hand of the force which has, I just know, always been with me and always will.

I don't know what to call it really. I can't explain it with logic and reasoning. And you know what? I really don't feel the need to. I talk to others occasionally and they come to their own conclusions as to the nature of this phenomenon, as I'm sure you will too. It really doesn't matter what we call it, or how we define it, or in what way we try to rationalise it's nature - it is real, and I believe, universal. And it is absolutely a force for good.

One thing's for sure - it has always been there for me, through thick and thin, and it continues to guide me. As long as I stay open to its truth and light, it is there for me - showing me signs, gently guiding me, illuminating the path ahead.

And somehow, I know it always will be.

Copyright ©2018 Richard C. Greenlow. All rights reserved.