Wishful Thinking

Forgive me, but I'm having a moment..

Why does life have to be so hard? I pay my dues. I strive. I try so hard every moment of every day to keep it real, to be mindful of my faults and forgiving of my weaknesses, to be of service, to be good to people, to accept how things are and deal with them - but it's not enough. I still feel like a failure, even when nothing has happened to trigger such a feeling. It's as though all this hard work is just not enough..

Thing is, I have no choice but to keep on trying. Shit, let's face it, I've tried all the alternatives and they didn't work. Not caring, well that one lasts about five minutes. Far too much empathy in this soul. Far too highly sensitive to even attempt to isolate myself from feelings. Getting lost in the oblivion of self-medication is no answer either. I already know the drugs don't work, spent far too much time in that self-defeating mode. No, once you emerge from that life there is no going back..

Anyway, who am I to elevate my struggles above those of others? Is this just self-pity, or a reasonable outpouring? I can't keep it all in all the time, and I can't let it all out all the time either. I can't seem to win. I can't give up, won't give up, ever - but I am totally struggling to maintain each and every moment. Much of the time I feel as far from good as it is possible to be without being confined to four walls and just shutting down completely. Of course I'm carrying on regardless, there is simply no other way, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. Life is unfair, the world is cruel and unjust and I am just fucking sick of it all right now. And there you have it. Sorry, not sorry..

I wish I had the comfort of magical thinking to cushion me from the punches and kicks that life is throwing my way. I wish I believed in an omnipotent sky god who is up there looking out for me, holding me when I'm so ragged that I can't stand any human touch. I wish I believed in a preordained path to life, with nice little signs to light the way forward. I wish I could pray for some relief and feel lighter. Some things are true whether you believe in them or not, but some things aren't true no matter how much you want to believe in them..

Moment to moment, I'm treading water. I'm not drowning any more, that's for sure, and with some exertion I'm able to keep my head above water, as long as the waters don't get too choppy. But when the darkness inside rises and I can't keep a lid on it, and it leaches out like toxic slime, I feel myself dissociate and become helpless to prevent the poison touching others, and deep inside my soul another fracture is created. They don't deserve to be poisoned. I wish I wasn't poisonous..

The answers are in therapy, in talking it out with one who has unconditional positive regard, one who is objective and knows nothing of me and my shit. I could start today if I had money, but I simply do not have the means. Instead I wearily trudge this treadmill like an obese man with a serious heart condition, knowing I have to do the exercise but fearfully aware that I can't keep it up forever or do too much because my heart will collapse. To the system, I am a name on a waiting list of many, not a priority because I'm not holding a gun to my head and screaming that I'll blow my brains out if they don't help me. I wish they could see how destructive this all is..

I wish, I wish, I wish. Wishful thinking. No basis in reality for these wishes, a waste of thinking time. Except in this dark moment, through these tears of self-pity, by the scream that emanates from the very depths of my soul, I just need to vent. I'm only human. I am just a man. I'm momentarily floored by the magnitude of the things that have brought me to this point, the suffering that my internal battle is causing to those I hold so very dear, the unfairness of having to wait so long for help, and the fear of the monumental effort required ahead to get through this huge impasse. I hope I haven't scared you off, dear readers. It's harsh and it all seems very negative, but it is just one moment. This too shall pass..

And strangely, somehow, I feel a little better.

Copyright ©2018 Richard C. Greenlow. All rights reserved.