Inner Sense

I'm looking for a way

To calm these voices in my head

With all this mad confusion

I don't want to leave this bed

I'm on the run

I'm on the run again

And I don't know which way is left

And there's no point in not being right

So I'll hold my breath 'til the morning

'Till I see the light

I'm on the run

I'm on the run again

From me

I'm drowning in these feelings

And it's scaring me to death

Staring at the ceiling

So many things I could have said

I'm on the run

I'm on the run again

And I don't know which way is left

And there's no point in not being right

So I'll hold my breath 'til the morning

'Til I see the light

So, so many times

So many signs

You're out there waiting

I should have known you're out there waiting ooh

And I don't know which way is left

And there's no point in not being right

So I'll hold my breath 'til the morning

'Til I see the light

I'm on the run

I'm on the run again

From me

- 'On The Run' by Natalie Imbruglia

Lesson 101 of the human condition - we are all completely alone within ourselves, our lives are the sum total of our personal experience of the world and the people in it, and in the end the only person we ever truly have to answer to, to justify our actions to, is ourselves.

Its funny, but I find both comfort and discomfort in this inalienable fact, which perhaps is a perfect reflection of what is is to be a human being. Unvarnished, when all is said and done and one is stripped down to the core of who one really is, how much do we even like ourselves? Steeped in the knowledge that practising self-love is essential in order to achieve and maintain a real sense of well-being, how am I really doing?

The roots of this particular tree lie in self-esteem. If we have high self-esteem then we tend to be naturally self-assured, confident and content with who we are. One who has no issues with their self-esteem will tend to see life through the prism of hope and have a positive outlook far more easily than one who suffers with low self-esteem. For the latter, it is orders of magnitude harder to be hopeful and positive. So far, so simple..

I suffer with low self-esteem, the reasons for which are multifaceted and complex, and this is neither the time nor the place to enter into a discussion of such. Despite this undoubtedly huge impediment, I manage to keep positive and feel like I can keep going more often than I feel negative and feel like giving up. This is not because my psyche is free from troubling thoughts, issues, pain and problems that drag me down, but because I work my arse off every waking moment to fight negativity and maintain some sort of equilibrium. Even without the bipolar disorder, low self-esteem and high-functioning anxiety I know this process to be essential to human happiness. It's all just a question of degrees of difficulty.

Sometimes though, things feel utterly bleak. There are dark moments, usually blessedly short in duration, where my soul is just screaming out for relief from the torture of being me..

Completely alone

In a room filled with family

Knowing all is well

Yet wanting to scream out

Wearing a fake smile

So nobody asks what’s wrong

Trying to relax

When pain oozes from every pore

Holding your nerve

Despite the impending doom

R. C. Greenlow

[04/04/2018]

There are inverse moments of clarity, wonder and almost inexplicable joy where I feel higher than any drug could ever get me, where things that previously seemed impossible suddenly become possible, where creativity and light and love shine so bright that I think I might explode with the sheer excitement and raw rapture that I feel!

What is for certain though, is that neither the lows nor the highs represent a normal state of being, that is to say that they are brief, fleeting moments that pass pretty quickly. 'Normal' is everything in between. It may have taken me until now, my early-40's, but inside my head I am pretty much okay. I have my cross to carry - my issues - and obviously the mental health nature of these issues means that sometimes I feel pretty far from okay, but generally speaking I know I am okay because I can think myself through and out of the darkest times, and I can enjoy the highest highs without my feet lifting off the ground so far that I can't get safely back down again. I am told that some people spend lifetimes trying to achieve this state within themselves, and that many never achieve it at all, so I don't doubt my achievement.

"The kindest thing you can do for yourself is to be the person you would most like to spend the rest of your life with." - Heather K. O'Hara

We seem to spend so much time on external factors in life, and by comparison so little time addressing our inner thoughts and feelings. We see achievement in material terms, and society puts that lifestyle up on a pedestal like it is all that really matters, but if things are broken and malfunctioning within then all the money and finery in the world will not help us, indeed, it will likely assist us only in self-destruction. If we spent an equivalent amount of time and energy invested in our emotional well-being to that which we spend on ambition and the accumulation of wealth how things would change, and change quickly. We need to realise that embracing our inner selves, the light and the dark side, is fundamental to understanding and improving our lives.

So where are you with all this? How much time, if any, do you spend or feel you need to spend on dealing with your inner self? I know there to be people around for whom it seems to come so easily to be content, amenable and positive, and I see people who seem to be permanently unhappy, and totally negative. I also know there are those who feel they are constantly failing to hit the mark, despite all efforts to improve their lot, and that there are some who are self-assured to a fault, massively overconfident and frankly borderline narcissistic. The goal of being at peace within ourselves is best served by striving for a balance between the light and the darkness. We have to embrace both, learn how to experience the highs and lows in a healthy way, and allow ourselves to take up permanent residence in the safety of the centre ground of our souls.

As for me, I shan't pretend to be a master. I have so much work to do to get beyond my issues that it sometimes scares me rigid to think of how I will manage it all, whilst simultaneously keeping on doing the essential daily work of self-analysis that facilitates my growth. It's going to involve pain and sorrow, that's for sure, but I have complete faith that the relief from my current angst and the massive benefits to my general well-being are more than worth it, and that's before I even get to the sense of inner contentment that will be achieved. Bottom line, it's so worth it - because I'm worth it!

And you know something else? You're worth it too.

"Sorrow prepares you for joy. It violently sweeps everything out of your house, so that new joy can find space to enter. It shakes the yellow leaves from the bough of your heart, so that fresh, green leaves can grow in their place. It pulls up the rotten roots, so that new roots hidden beneath have room to grow. Whatever sorrow shakes from your heart, far better things will take their place." - Rumi



On the Run lyrics © BMG Rights Management US, LLC, Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd., Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Universal Music Publishing Group

Copyright ©2018 Richard C. Greenlow. All rights reserved.