Letting Go

Recently I have found that the concept of solitude, and conversely my sense of community, have very much been at the forefront of my thoughts. I seem to be re-evaluating the value I place in my human interactions, both in the past and currently. I find myself drawn to that old poem by John Donne, "no man is an island", and yet simultaneously to the words of Jean-Paul Sartre, "hell is being locked in a room forever with your friends". I see the logic and wisdom of both, but how is one to reconcile these two conflicting truths?

It strikes me that what we are dealing with here is fundamentally rooted in attachment. Psychology has much to say about how our early attachment to others shapes our subsequent interactions. The nature and strength of our relationship to our parents and others around us during our formative years plays an enormous role in shaping our future social interactions. As we grow beyond these early years we go through different stages of attachment. It is inevitable that we will find ourselves having to evaluate which attachments are healthy and which are not.

I have seen the benefits and consequences of human attachment played out in my life and I can draw conclusions about who I am based on these. For instance, I can cite the deaths of my beloved paternal grandparents when I was ten and eleven years old as having a huge impact on me and understand how this affected my relationships with family and friends during the subsequent years. On reflection it is possible to identify negative patterns in one's behaviour and choices that stem from disruptions to, or distortions in, our early attachments in life.

I believe, however, that there is a universal rule of thumb that applies regardless of our personal history. We all require a certain degree of solitude, and we also all need to feel a part of a community. Some people are isolated due to circumstances beyond their control whilst others choose the life of a hermit. Both states are unhealthy, but being alone is something which we all need. It's just a question of how much. Some people are a part of communities which foster dependence and intolerance of outsiders, but we all need to find a healthy way to find a sense of belonging.

I am certainly a person who requires quite a lot of alone time. Those times in my life when I have had long periods where I have been unable to get enough time alone have by far been the worst parts of my life. I am completely comfortable within myself and enjoy my solitude, however, I am also acutely aware of how much I need my children, my wife, my family and my work colleagues and friends. I do feel I am missing a real community though, and it is a growing sense of loneliness that is the result. I am seeking interactions with a certain peer group that I currently feel alienated from - writers, artists, musicians, intellectuals and philosophers. I remain optimistic, however, that this will come with time and effort.

We all need to do a certain amount of ongoing work in order to have healthy interactions in our lives. We have to maintain our relationships whilst evaluating their benefit to us and others. Whether we have a large social circle or a few close friends, we cannot simply establish relationships and leave them to take care of themselves. If we are to stay healthy and grow in life then we have to accept that there will be some who we will have to leave behind. Sometimes the bonds we formed in the past simply elapse and the relationship becomes unhealthy.

Some people are easier to leave behind than others. Sometimes you realise it's just because things have gotten toxic, you're toxic together, so you cut them off to preserve your sanity, and theirs. Sometimes though, you hold on to ties for the wrong reasons. And any time the reason to hold on isn't because you mutually benefit from the connection, it's time to end it. Acquaintance, drinking buddy, friend, family member or partner - the universal rule applies - if it no longer benefits your path, your journey and your personal growth, they've got to go. It's just a question of how hard it is to break free, because once you let go of them you'll realise that your load is much lighter, and you can move on apace.

"Letting go means to come to the realisation that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny" - Steve Maraboli

Copyright ©2018 Richard C. Greenlow. All rights reserved.