Poetry Corner IV

As summer fades fast, I've sadly lost my bright early morning two-hour writing slot, which served me so well. The shorter daylight hours do nothing for my motivation, and alas I am not writing much at all these days, but I can at least share these three poems with you.

These verses seem to strike the tone for how my year has gone really. The third one is an oldy, as you can see, which I include for the sake of balance. Hopefully I will find myself still able to write occasionally during the coming dark season..

Still Trying

Trying to branch out

With precious few connections,

Trying to stay focused

With a constantly wandering mind,

Trying to get clarity

Through a fog of anxiety,

Trying to have faith

While riddled with self-doubt,

Trying for creativity

While fighting negativity,

Trying to find answers

Without the right questions,

Trying to have patience

As frustration bites,

Trying to be better

While never feeling good enough,

Trying to feel content

Despite longing so much,

Trying to understand

When confusion reigns,

Trying to be loving

As self-loathing takes over,

Trying to find peace

In spite of the anger,

Trying to hold on

When all hope is gone,

Trying..

Very trying.

[23.06.2018]

Walled In

This is insane, isn’t it?

Banging my head against walls

Built up over years and years..

Where once they protected me,

Now I am entombed.

Chipping away at the cracks,

Constantly hit by the flack,

I wipe dirty sweat from my brow

And wonder how I’ll ever escape

At this slow rate.

My patience is running out..

I want to scream and shout

But only manage sneers and sighs,

And occasional cries

Of stinging self-pity.

My tools are all blunted

By the constant wear and tear

Of this relentlessly hard work..

I’d go berserk if not for

Lack of energy.

Tired of looking down,

But when I look up I get scared

By the height of those walls,

And the idea of scratching away

For all my days.

So, I slump back down

Once more to try to sleep,

Lapsing between confusion

And vivid nightmares,

In shades of grey.

[30.09.2018]

Alone In The World

It appears that somebody has tried to strangle me,

Just because I can’t agree with their philosophy

Somebody else grates on me like new shoes on ankles

I’m losing all my sparkle but still keeping all my marbles.

Time has a funny way of waking you up to yourself,

Just when you think you’ve lost all your hope and health

Shaking your foundations, rocking you to pieces,

Then, when you can take no more, it suddenly ceases.

Openings in the brain welcome new ways of thinking

You can close them again if you feel yourself sinking,

But I’d rather play my cards one at a time tonight,

That way I can be sure that I’m doing it all right.

Life will avenge all attempts to hold back

From the throng, the joy, and the heart-attack

Better to seamlessly drift with the tide

Than surrender to the darkness held deep inside.

[04.05.2000]

Copyright ©2018 Richard C. Greenlow. All rights reserved.

Finding The Positive

It's easy to lose yourself in the negative, isn't it?

Ever noticed how bad news travels like wildfire, whilst good news seems by comparison to only be given a passing mention? How about times when we solve a nagging problem only to almost immediately move on to the next, without acknowledging and celebrating our success in coming to a solution? We're always thinking things like 'one less thing to worry about', as if worrying is some sort of essential skill, as if we need to worry, but rarely do we just stop and give ourselves a pat on the back. And how often, when asked that everyday question 'how are you' do we prefer to say 'not bad' rather than 'good'? Think about it..

It's almost as if we are averse to being positive..

Compare how much time and energy we humans spend on negative emotions and feelings, focusing on bad news and allowing problems to dominate our thinking, with the amount of time we contemplate and enjoy and celebrate the good in our lives - you'll almost invariably find that we seem dominated by negativity. We might think we are very positive people, and even find that others think of us as such, yet actually be just as wracked with internal doubts, consumed by fear and focused on negativity as the next person.

I write more on the subject of personal / emotional / spiritual growth - specifically on how we must learn to accept and deal with problems and pain in life, and live a genuine existence based on truth and reality - than anything else. I have touched on human nature before, that is, the features of our behaviour and thinking that are innate. I find myself questioning to what degree our tendency towards negative thinking is a part of human nature, and how much is in fact learned behaviour.

Here's a thought experiment.. what if you woke up one day with a blank slate in your mind. You're physically as you are now and mentally at the same stage of development, but with no memories, no preconceptions or presumptions, no biases etc. You are equipped with enough knowledge and reasoning to be able to function and understand yourself and the world, without any of the emotional and psychological baggage accumulated from the sum total of your past personal experience. What would you think of your life, humanity and the state of the world after one day? After one week? Can you imagine?!

Let's forget the obvious scientific flaws in this experiment and take it on face value. I would wager that in pretty short order you would be very confused and overwhelmed. With no emotional baggage to shape your thinking you wouldn't have a flawed and faulty perception of the world, preconceived ideas about how people and things operate, or presumptions about the nature and capabilities of other people or yourself - but you would have no memories of past events or how you dealt with them, no experience of your interactions with the world and other people and no knowledge of the processes involved in encountering and dealing with the problems and pain you have encountered.

My point is that human nature only accounts for a small fraction of why we think the way we do about ourselves, others and the world at large. The vast majority of our ideas about who we are, about other people and about how the world works are formed from our learned experience of life. How we are raised as children plays a large part in how we grow up to see ourselves (and others) as adults. The influences of our education system and exposure to the mass media and culture of our society affects how we think about our interactions with other people and the world in general.

By the end of adolescence most of us have formed a picture of our lives and even our 'place' in the world, based on what is basically a pretty narrow range of experiences. We certainly do not learn to accept problems and pain as a normal part of life, nor are we taught that hard work and legitimate suffering is essential in order to truly deal with our difficulties. We do not learn to form a real understanding of the suffering of others in the world either, nor do we start adulthood with anything like a balanced view of what it is to really live life well. These massively important lessons in life are not taught to us, nor marketed or advertised as desirable. As a result, one actually has to seek out the learning of these essential life skills, and this is compounded by the fact that we don't even know we need to look.

As I eluded to in my previous post about our pain-avoiding culture, we are force-fed images of perfection every day, told fairy-tales of living 'happily ever after' from a very young age, and offered quick-fix solutions to any and every kind of pain imaginable. Society, our culture, the mass media - all conspire to reinforce a picture of life and 'how we should be living' that is so far from the actual truth of our daily struggles that it is hardly surprising that we tend to see every negative thing down the track. This false, unbalanced, hyper-rosey reality gets its claws into us from day one. No wonder we see so much negativity in our lives, and fail to appreciate the truly positive.

By avoiding pain at all costs; seeing problems as purely negative things to be simply batted away without doing the work of learning the inherent lessons within, failing to strive for a genuine existence by discarding the lies we are told and the fake ideas about life we are subjected to, and not fully appreciating each and every positive that comes along, we are all doing ourselves the greatest disservice - long term we actually end up living a life of pointless, needless, unnecessary suffering. As age and bitter experience catch up with us, we eventually find ourselves realising we've been lost in negativity all along..



Copyright ©2018 Richard C. Greenlow. All rights reserved.

Onward Ever

Back in May this year I wrote of my battle against the system to get treatment for high-functioning anxiety disorder. In August I wrote another piece further eluding to the struggle. Well today, over four months after initial referral for psychological services, I finally have an appointment with a consultant. The letter states that there will be a further wait following the consult before therapy/treatment begins (of course) but I nervously look forward to the meeting. Nervously and anxiously..

I recently acquired a copy of my entire medical file from my G.P. The nature of the journey into my long and complex history of mental ill-health warranted getting as full a picture as I could of each and every intervention, or lack thereof, by the medical professionals charged with my care over the years. It was a cathartic experience, to say the least. Particularly shocking was my discovery that I was all but diagnosed with bipolar disorder 10 years prior to my actual diagnosis. This was simply never followed up on, and effectively ignored, but worst of all I was never even told about the existence of the extensive psychiatric report. You can imagine my dismay. I can't say it hasn't further eroded my faith in the medical profession.

Out of disappointment and disillusionment with the system does, however, come something very positive. I have never felt more empowered in dealing with my mental health. I have gone from pillar to post trying to get answers over the years. From a humble and fairly aimless starting point in my teens, as my experience has widened and my knowledge has grown, I have become an expert patient. Gone are the days when I will allow anybody, be they a top consultant, counsellor, G.P. or surgery receptionist, to act on decisions regarding my care with anything less than an absolutely true and accurate picture of the nature of my mental health. Put simply, I know far better than them what it is to survive mental illness, and try to thrive in spite of it.

Sadly though, my experience of the creaks and cracks in the system have taught me that as the years go by it gets harder and harder to get treatment at all, let alone the right treatment. To some extent I can forgive medical professionals for not giving me a full picture, back when I was a teenager. My problems were so huge, the road so long and my mental health so fragile that I can imagine a scenario in which it was felt not to be in my best interests to 'lay it all bare' so to speak. I can even understand how it came about that symptomatic treatment was deemed better than addressing the root of my problems. Papering over the cracks may well have seemed like the easiest option in most of those allotted 10-minute G.P. consultations.

What I cannot accept though is the evidence that lies before me, in the pages of notes I have sifted through - that at almost every single stage of my mental ill-health, over the course of decades, those charged with my care - the people to whom I summoned up the courage to go to for help, who's very job it is to do their best to help make me better, failed me royally. One could be forgiven for thinking that their lack of care was systematic and intentional. I don't think that, but only because I've had so many years of experience at trying to get better in a system that is fundamentally mismanaged, underfunded, under-resourced and ultimately falling apart at the seams. Even that system is not truly at fault. It is those charged with the care and governance of the NHS itself who are really responsible for its sad decline..

There were occasional exceptions to the shower of fools involved in my case over the years. I recall a kindly registrar at an Accident & Emergency department who told me, off the record, that I might not have the full picture as to long term treatment options for the issues which had led me to the particular crisis that had brought me there that day. I fondly remember an amazing CPN (Community Psychiatric Nurse) who counselled me when I was in my early 20's, teaching me mindfulness techniques and guiding me in the direction of some of the best self-help books and psychology literature I have ever read.

I also remember a dedicated patient advocate who saved me from a particularly horrible hospital experience by informing me of my rights and supporting me in exercising them, when I was in a state of panic and being virtually held against my will. Most recently, I am thankful for a very patient CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) counsellor, who tried his best to keep working with me despite getting tied up by the limitations and inflexibility of the system. These wonderful few embodied everything it means to be a true medical professional. They went above and beyond the call of duty. At times they truly extended themselves for the benefit of my growth. The leaps and bounds I made in getting better because of the care and support they gave me cuts through the lost years of medical impotence and downright lack of care I experienced like sun rays through the murkiest fog.

My personal struggle has led me to learning about the troubles of others in this failing mental healthcare system. Incredibly, it would seem that I have actually been relatively fortunate. I have relatives and friends who have found it even harder than I to access effective treatment for a range of mental health issues. I have met plenty of people who have been in the system longer than me, with far more complex and difficult conditions, who struggle to get even basic outreach or crisis response. For those unfortunate enough to have very little or no support outside of the system, the tendency towards self-medication with all the inherent dangers of illicit drug use is very high. Rates of self-harm and suicide inevitably rise alongside cuts to mental healthcare provision. The sadness of this totally avoidable set of circumstances is overwhelming.

When I write about this topic I almost feel like a busker, banging an old drum under some bridge whilst people walk around and past. Maybe banging on about this sad state of affairs is old news and perhaps people are oblivious, but I can't stop. Too many are being failed because of the insane ideology and badly-disguised greed of a bunch of morally bankrupt politicians. Who really knows the true scale of just how many people's lives could be made so much better if mental healthcare provision was given parity with that of physical health? What kind of legacy is being left for our children and subsequent generations, if the current system is allowed to continue sliding into collapse and backdoor privatisation?

Whatever the future holds for us, brave warriors of mental health must continue to fight for the treatment they need. I shall be doing just that, and while I'm doing it I will gladly help others to fight too. Nothing is more important than ensuring we have the best chance at treating mental illness effectively, so that we can use all we learn to raise a generation of children who's emotional well being is actually improving. Perhaps together we can raise awareness of the terrible price to be paid if we don't completely rethink mental healthcare provision in the UK, and halt the terminal decline in our collective mental health.

Copyright ©2018 Richard C. Greenlow. All rights reserved.

Reach Out

Something huge can happen to a person when they suffer any kind of long term mental, emotional or psychological distress. Over time, through the stages of acceptance of their condition, the seeking of treatment, the course of their therapy and their path to recovery, a person can become adept at identifying and understanding the mental, emotional and psychological troubles of others. It's like a massive and unexpected side-effect of dealing with the underlying illness, and what's more, it is extraordinarily empowering..

So it is that an adult victim of childhood abuse, when faced with dealing with the long and difficult journey through their traumatic past, begins to understand the nature of narcissism and what psychologists refer to as 'the sins of the father' - that abusive parents are often the victims of childhood abuse themselves. But simultaneously, these people often also start noticing a myriad of other far more subtle and less overt ways in which certain parental behaviours can contribute to neuroses and emotional difficulties in all our adult lives. They become not only mentally healthier, but capable of being much better people and better parents themselves.

Recovering alcoholics and drug addicts go through a process which helps them to identify the causes of their addiction, in order to put new and healthier coping strategies into place and to prevent relapse. At the same time, they often start to experience a much deeper empathy with the pain of other people, and to see how others are using unhealthy ways of coping with their difficulties. They can truly become masters at spotting the warning signs of addiction and destructive behaviours in people, such is the fine-tuning that happens to their perception of the psychological mechanisms at play.

For those who suffer from clinical depression, bipolar disorder and other afflictions which  are primarily disorders of mood regulation, the path to a healthier life lies in understanding the complexities of their particular mood patterns and planning for all eventualities, wherever possible. Sometimes all that can be managed is an acceptance that terribly difficult moods will happen, but even that is a step up from feeling enslaved by their condition. As the person becomes adept at understanding and managing their illness they can find themselves arriving at a point where they have a whole box of tools and techniques to manage mood issues, and it is soon realised that this toolbox is useful to just about anyone who wants to manage their emotions better and develop a healthier mindset.

People nearly always seek treatment for mental health issues and go into therapy to help themselves but rarely, if ever, realise that they are likely to come out the other side far more interested in and empathetic to the pain and problems of others. Seeking psychiatric treatment is a necessarily selfish action. It's starts off all self, self, self - but very soon in the course of treatment it usually becomes obvious to a person that it is how their behaviour affects others and their interactions with others that causes them the most pain. The work they do to change how they think of themselves develops into a journey of changing their behaviour towards other people. They start to think more positively, act more genuinely and consider others more thoughtfully. It's a win win.

When the hard work of therapy is over, the journey continues onward. The newly-empowered mentally healthy individual has a shiny armoury of weapons to fight negativity in themselves, and a whole new level of awareness of how these weapons can be useful to others in their personal struggles. Often, a deep desire to share the newfound knowledge is present, requiring the practising of patience and respect for other people's stages of development in life. This new state of being is what writers of all sorts of self-help, psychology and spirituality themed books refer to as growth - whether they label it 'personal', 'emotional', 'spiritual' or a combination of such - it is literally the evolving of the psyche to a higher state or 'stage of awareness'.

The journey is all about growing and changing and evolving to be better than we were before. It is always about progressing on the path to further enlightenment but never about being better than anyone else. One can falter and slip and regress, and require further work and even more therapy at any time, just as one can advance several strides in short succession. The journey lasts a lifetime. It is like a calling. It can feel like a faith system, maybe even a religion, and perhaps in a way it is..

Whatever it is, I'm well and truly on board.



Copyright ©2018 Richard C. Greenlow. All rights reserved.

Another Angry Voice

Anyone who is used to my writing will by now, I hope, know that I always try to keep things positive. I spend inordinate amounts of time working really hard to stay positive about myself, so it naturally follows that I want to be positive about the world and hopeful for the fate of humanity. Most of the time I do achieve this, but I cannot ignore the anger that dwells deep within me - a burning rage at the state of things in this world. So, this is a rare moment of shouting, ranting, complaining, venting, or whatever you might like to call it - because as I eluded to in a previous post, you can't just keep it all in. Strap yourself in, this will probably be a rough ride..

There's been a gradual decline happening to humanity for a long time now, but in recent decades the slide towards complete self-destructive cataclysm has accelerated. Many simply won't hear of it, citing all sorts of examples of our 'progress' in exercising our dominion over our planet and all life on it. Technological advance, miracle medicine and space exploration are held up on one hand as shining beacons of our success, but the other hand is held behind our backs trying to hide devastating ecocide, rampant inequality and perpetual warfare. We hide from the chaos we mete out by pretending we are so fucking 'civilised'. All that really means is that instead of sending our children to their deaths in foreign fields we pay someone to sit behind a computer and remote pilot a drone to bomb children to death thousands of miles away. Our 'progress' is the very definition of blissful ignorance.

Just in the last few years, the politics of intolerance have reached a frenzied pitch as the elite few attempt to hold on to their ever more flimsy power bases with outdated narratives that were so effective in the past, but which are becoming ever more transparent. Yet, despite a growing public mistrust in the old order, it seems the backlash is yet to come. We continue voting, believing in so-called 'freedom and democracy', whilst giving our consent to a continuous stream of self-serving lying scum who's singular intent is preserving the greed and corruption of the system, in order that they and a few of their already mega-rich friends can be further enriched. Nationalism, anti-immigration nonsense, fascism, anti-fascism, far-right, far-left, populism - all are just morally bankrupt ideologies and propagandist narratives, which always end in nothing but hatred and division.

I can almost hear the sighs and boos from the galleries! Nothing new here, is there? Just the rantings of an angry snowflake, some might say. So maybe just move on and forget about all this, because I cannot promise any comfort. This is me, no holds barred, getting this shit out of my system. I can only offer my assurance that this is as apolitical, honest and unbiased as I can possibly be, and that this truly is real talk. I won't be pidgeon-holed into someone's narrow fucked up worldview just for the sake of diplomacy. I'm angry at the evil that men do, sure, but I'm also angry at the evil that we allow men to do by refusing to stand against them, and don't even get me started on excuses - it is incumbent on us all to stop being cowards and care more, not less, about our fellow humans.

If I thought there was value in listing everything that I see as wrong in the world I would, but there isn't, so screw that. Suffice it to say that wherever life, in all its forms, is devalued, destabilised and destroyed to suit the evil machinations of some psychopath in a suit, I am raging. Whenever people choose to hate on other people because some self-appointed media figurehead or some fucking politician told them too, whenever people decide to believe nasty shit about whole religions and races of people because of the actions of a tiny minority, whenever people judge other people on anything except a proper working knowledge of who they are as a person and what they have actually really done or not done, I am fucking furious. People in glass houses should learn how to build themselves a new house from scratch, and do the damn work it takes to construct their own homes, from the ground up. Then they might just get some perspective on the bigger picture.

As individuals we have basically two choices when faced with the evil shit perpetuated by humanity against itself. We either deal with it internally and react accordingly, or make like an ostrich. Some of us just ignore everything and it all turns into water off a ducks back. Some of us only allow issues and atrocities that are local or national to affect us whilst turning a blind eye to crimes against humanity in far-off lands. And some of us are troubled by every act of evil in every part of the planet, and have to insulate ourselves from too much bad news out of pure self-protection. Well, I'm in the third group. It sucks an awful lot a good deal of the time, but my overall appraisal is that given a choice between the three, I'm glad I'm this way. I'm glad because I'm a realist, and I'm dedicated to truth and reality, so this really is the only way to live as authentic an existence as I can. I'm glad that I care so much. I don't know any other way to be.

Look across the world.. from your local neighbourhood to the furthest flung reaches of Earth.. as long as we judge any other human life as less valuable than our own, for reasons of colour, creed, faith or whatever other poor excuse, we are doomed as a race. Truly doomed. The reckoning is coming, and soon. We have to look inside our hearts and minds. If we do not grow up, and pretty damn fast, we will realise the self-fulfilling prophecy of our own demise, as all that is good in the world is marched off the cliff edge by a small group of determined oxygen-thieves.



Copyright ©2018 Richard C. Greenlow. All rights reserved.

Music Is Life

"Without music, life would be an error." - Friedrich Nietzsche

I know a few people who don't really care for music. Wow! Am I the only one who finds that totally messed up? I've tried to understand it, but to be honest, I haven't spent too long pondering it - because to me, that's just absolutely insane! I honestly cannot think how anyone can go through their life without finding meaning, excitement and value in at least some body of music..

I get that there are different levels of interest that a person can have for music, and varying amounts of value an individual places in it. That's all fair enough. It's like art - I appreciate the visual arts, just not to a huge degree. Probably, oh I don't know, 15% of everything I've ever seen that calls itself 'art' appeals to me and stirs something inside my soul, but the rest means as much to me as plastic and paper. And so it is with music - for some, very little appeals - and somehow even that is but a passing interest.

Personally, my taste in music is hugely varied and complex. From the psychedelic and progressive rock of Pink Floyd, right through to the full spectrum of underground Drum and Bass music, my passion for music is testament to having a great dad who introduced me to many fantastic artists from a young age. I am as excited by the raw power and dynamics of Hard Rock and Heavy Metal as I am by the heavy beats of Jungle, Ragga and Hip-Hop. I enjoy relaxing to the emotion-stirring depth of Ambient Electronica, Trip-Hop and Trance, alongside the more sublime and avant-garde output of artists who do not rely so heavily on the electronic side of things. There really is hardly any style, type or genre of music I do not like at least some of. There is material I don't like, and dislike with a passion at least approaching parity with the stuff I love - mainly anything that is too intentionally mainstream, overly formulated, or just downright fake and shallow - but if it comes from the soul, if it's played from the heart, there's a real high chance it will appeal to me.

But enough about my personal tastes, for like much in the world of art, music is so very subjective. The power of music is not really in who it appeals to, who it is made for or what niche or scene it fits into. It is the power of music to accompany key moments in life. Obviously life isn't a movie, but think of your favourite films - what would they be without the addition of the right pieces of music, at the right times - key scenes and moments? Music, in my humble opinion, should be a soundtrack to your life. Regardless of how it is meaningful to you, if you have a playlist for your life then it makes your whole experience richer and more nuanced..

Music is a powerful stress-reliever and can be a potent stress-buster. From simply being an enjoyable accompaniment to an otherwise dull chore, to soothing your soul when you feel totally broken, music penetrates through the layers of bullshit that our humble human condition creates, and it can often be the only solace we find in an otherwise completely negative situation in life. As an addition to the thematic discourse, a distraction from our troubles, or purely as a hedonistic escape, music is incredibly effective at helping gel together the stream of our consciousness with that which is the undercurrent - our subconscious feelings and emotions, and the unconscious which resides in the depths of our souls.

It only leaves me to end this brief foray into music with a quote which encapsulates all of this so perfectly, from an amazing musician who, sadly, left the mortal coil this very week..

"Music does a lot of things for a lot of people. It's transporting, for sure. It can take you right back, years back, to the very moment certain things happened in your life. It's uplifting, it's encouraging, it's strengthening." - Aretha Franklin



Copyright ©2018 Richard C. Greenlow. All rights reserved.

Of Deceit..

They've all told you lies..

They kept you in the dark because of their fear that the particular light you were shining might illuminate their darkness too. They stopped you from making choices because of their own discomfort and cognitive dissonance. They told you it's all for your own good, when really it just suited them. They made you feel like a freak when the individuality you expressed freaked them out, because of their faulty perception of how it might reflect on them. They hid the truth from you purely for their own convenience. They lied.

You spent ages summoning up the words to express things, ideas buried so deep that were so very important to you, being so careful to take the time to find words which might appeal to their frames of reference. All they did was laugh at you, or dismiss you, or simply make you wrong. They trod all over your sensibilities with their size ten boots and never looked back, leaving you to seethe silently with no recourse. They said they support you, but only ever did it on their terms. They said that they'd always listen. They lied.

They told you that if you do all your work, study hard and behave well that you can go on to get any job you like, that you won't have to struggle as they have. They said that the future will be better, that you would be better off than they were when they were young, but they didn't tell you that the whole game is rigged. They didn't tell you how debt will enslave you, how the government will screw you over, how the media will propagandise you. They taught you to believe in falsehoods. They lied.

They espoused loyalty and dedication to the corporation, told you you can go far if you work hard, but really they were just reading from a script because they were told to by the boss. They gave you just enough encouragement and praise to keep you from questioning your worth, so that your little cog in their machine kept turning. They promised you promotion, knowing that the figures just didn't add up and in full awareness of the downturn to come. They told you your job was safe. They lied.

They wrapped you up in a blanket of affection, swept you off your feet and promised you the Earth. They made you feel like nothing could touch you, high up on the pedestal they built for you. They said it would be forever, that nothing could break you apart. They fostered your dependence and manufactured your consent, whilst whispering of love and dedication, but all too soon they revealed their true colours. They used you up, then cast you aside the moment you tried to express your individuality, bruising and abusing you with their bullying. They told you it was love. They lied.

They said they'd always have your back, through thick and thin, amigos to the end. They propped up your bullshit with theirs as you enabled each other, in a mutual dance of slow self-defeatism. They pretended it was all good to your face, then casually cussed you down behind closed doors. You accepted the idiotic arrangement of fools because you couldn't find the strength to break out alone, but the moment you began to rise to grace they turned against you without a second thought. They told you you'd never make it alone. They lied.

All those lies..

The deception of a lifetime flows like crude oil across the ocean of your experience, polluting and choking everything with its chemical blackness. So easy to dismiss the significance of this array of disappointment back into the mists of time, pretend it doesn't really impact on who you are in the here and now. Disillusionment does that, but at the expense of true awareness. Awareness that is essential if you are to turn the accumulated colourlessness of the past into the bright multi-coloured brilliance of the future that you know you deserve.

At some point, too, you realise that blame must be taken out of the equation. You have to get to a position where you can forgive the lies and try to accept the reasons behind them. It seems impossible to start with, but eventually it gets easier to understand why they deceived you, or at least to accept that they just weren't capable of honesty. Point is, you absolutely have to expose every lie you've ever swallowed, understanding the nature of each deception, in order to avoid falling through the same cracks in reality as those who misled you.

Lies beget lies, but truth - in all its humbling, grounding, powerful, glorious light - will always shine through even the most tangled web, if only we can bare the exposure.

Copyright ©2018 Richard C. Greenlow. All rights reserved.

Never Powerless..

Here's something powerful for times when you feel powerless..

No matter what befalls us, regardless of nature or nurture,

There is always a choice, or there is no choice at all,

Either way, the same rules apply - the choice is to live or die:

To live is to absolutely dedicate yourself to choosing well

And be resolute in whatever course of action you choose to take,

Whilst owning any and all consequences and repercussions,

So that lessons can be learned and real improvement can be made.

To die is to accept something is beyond our current capabilities

And allow forgiveness for our inability, even if only by ourselves.

There is only really pride to be lost when we accept defeat,

And soon after comes a realisation that failure stimulates growth.

It is fear that prevents us from making the right choices,

Or from making a choice at all - fear of the unknown end result,

Fear of failure, fear of rejection by others, fear of change -

The fear of fear itself has us all tied up in terrified knots.

It's okay to be scared, but you cannot let fear rule your life.

You have to take the nervous energy of that fear and run with it

As fast as you can directly towards every goal you choose to set,

Or else you will get stuck in the mud and gradually sink below.

So stretch out those wings of yours, learn to fly with the wind.

There is a big old wide world out there and it's yours to enjoy.

Flock with others or fly alone, the choice is yours brave soul,

There's no time to waste and no reason to ever be grounded again.

R. C. Greenlow

[01.09.2008]

Copyright ©2018 Richard C. Greenlow. All rights reserved.

The Burning Light

Somewhere deep in the recesses of my consciousness is a permanent, unchangeable, powerful guiding light. I am inexplicably aware that it has always been there. It's burning away right now as I write. It permeates every thought I have, every stroke of my fingers on the keyboard. It illuminates the meanderings of my mind and touches every facet of every thought process I have..

I don't yet know how to understand its functioning, at least, with any degree of certainty that the convenience of mere explanation will suffice. When did this feeling - the growing awareness of this light - become so instinctive, or has it always been so? How did I go from just being aware of the existence of the light, to being fully conscious of the interweaving blanket effect it has on my whole life? When does intuition become greater than, and take over from, the words and figures of science and maths and logic and reason?

I'm trying to convey the enormity of this mysterious force, which I experience with a certainty that both greatly comforts me, and paradoxically, greatly disturbs me in pretty much equal measure. It is a huge, daunting and often overwhelming burden, yet simultaneously it lightens my load in life, brightens my days and guides me towards ever more positive outcomes.

I speak of the light that is truth... Truth that burns brighter within the soul than the glaring sun stared upon directly by naked eyes. Truth that is far, far more than just the mere absence of lies. Truth that flows around and through my conscious awareness like engine oil, collecting in between the gaps in my knowledge and reasoning to grease the cogs in my brain, keeping things moving and ensuring I am always ready for the constant work of expanding my mind. Truth that exposes the fallacies, biases, falsehoods and weak links that pockmark my thinking, enabling self-analysis that leads to self-improvement, and gradual evolution to better ways of thinking. Truth that liberates, illuminates, energises, rejuvenates and revolutionises..

But what is this light, this truth, if not something sacred - something considered too pure and too good to possibly come from within this frail human being? Well, I don't believe that it comes from any source other than this human one. I believe it to be something which lives within me, existing in every part of the entity that I know as me - in everything that constitutes my conscious mind, which I experience through thought, and in all that which is unconscious, for which I know of no better term to use than my soul.

What of belief, then? Oh, so many frames of reference. So many apt ways to frame the picture, so many suitable quotations and references. They all present themselves because they are true; I know them to be true because of a combination of the sum total of my life's experience, literature that I read, theories that I learn of, anecdotal evidence and stories told by others, and a generous sprinkling of educated guesswork. It's not about absolutes. It's about only ever really being certain on one thing - that there are no certainties, that placing complete faith in anything is almost always very dangerous, and that all beliefs must always be balanced by a dedication to reality that requires openness to constant challenge of said beliefs.

"In the province of the mind, what one believes to be true either is true or becomes true." - John Lilly

Wow. Does your brain hurt a little? Mine does! It's a good thing, you know. After all, no pain no gain, right? If you are one who finds comfort in religion, no doubt all this talk of truth and light probably makes perfect sense, and you perhaps find my further contemplation and explanation-seeking unnecessary. I understand, and I do sometimes kind of envy the comfort you find in your faith.

That wonderfully-pervasive, omnipresent light of truth once again looms up into my train of thought, reminding me to point out that I'm just waxing lyrical on where I'm at on my journey so far. My opinions, views, beliefs, whatever - all of it could change tomorrow if sufficient new information presents itself. I have not a single moment to waste on the folly of proving myself right or other people wrong, for that is just the human ego playing ping-pong. There simply is very little, if anything, that is set in stone, so I choose to go with the flow of the energy that emanates from the guiding light..

Wherever this light takes me, I know from everything I have learned of its nature thus far that only good will come from following the path it illuminates. As long as I'm dedicated to reality, the truth will out. The truth will set me free, heck, it already has! And, cherry on the proverbial cake, there is even a reward beyond the positive transformation of my inner world. I get to share the truth with you, dear readers. I get to share all this with the world!

As a certain fellow in a certain part of a certain book once said, "I come to bring you good news.."


Copyright ©2018 Richard C. Greenlow. All rights reserved.