Getting There..

Success comes in many forms..

How often do we forget to recognise and celebrate our achievements, however small we might consider them in the grand scheme of things? Herein lies one of the primary reasons people can reach a stage where they feel worthless and like a failure in life. It is all too common for us to only measure success by achievements which are tangible, often material in nature. Passing an exam, getting a new job, getting married, winning an award, buying a new home - these things are rightly worth celebrating and are, of course, some measure of success in life, to some degree. Oft forgotten though are all the steps a person takes to improve themselves and their lives, and all that people do just to maintain their more tangible achievements.

So it is that we can know of people who seems to have it all - plenty of money, a great job, a nice car, a partner, a family, lots of friends etc. In considering whatever measure of success we may deem all that to be though, how often do we fail to notice how people who 'have it all' can actually be very unhappy, despite their outward appearance of success. Conversely, it is almost certain that we all know of people who seem to have very little in life - both in terms of material possessions and signs of 'achievement', yet they are content, self-assured and basically happy with their lot. This is the paradoxical nature of success. We perceive both our own and other people's success in life based on certain presumptions and preconceptions we hold about what success actually means - a faulty and immature perception indeed.

A true measure of success in life can be found in how an individual copes with adversity, how they deal with problems and pain, and how well they learn and grow with the ups and downs of life. This is why people with all the outward signs of a successful life can actually be among the most wounded and troubled souls, whilst people who live with terrible health conditions and in awful poverty and squalor can be among the most content and positive. Opportunity, money, physical beauty, intelligence, education - none of these things guarantees us success in life. In fact there are actually no guarantees at all. Only doing the hard work of growing and changing will give us the best chance of achieving anything close to true success.

“Success is not money, cars, fame or material possessions but the lives you touched positively.” - Ifeanyi Enoch Onuoha

Celebration of the achievements in our lives that are considered 'milestones', such as a new job, passing a test or exam, a new home, getting married, the birth of a child etc. come naturally and usually with great fanfare. Celebrating the steps we take in our personal and emotional/spiritual growth, however, more often than not seem to be almost ignored. There is a growing movement towards the marking and celebration of separation/divorce from an unhappy relationship, but on the whole it would seem that society doesn't accept the huge changes we make to better ourselves as valid or worthy of praise. This really needs to change. In our inner lives, the massive importance of marking and celebrating our achievements in learning to deal with life's difficulties and challenges cannot be overstated. We must give ourselves the credit for every step we take towards self-improvement, big or small.

There is wholly too much judgement going on with regard to personal success, and how we perceive it in others. We need to recognise that our perception of success is usually unreal, that it is born out of a collection of ideals and notions that we have been told or have decided are important in life. We need to take apart our concept of what success means and analyse each bit until we can identify and eliminate the crap, leaving only goals which truly serve us on a path to fulfilment and contentment with life. When it comes to our perception of success in others, we always need to factor in the huge weight of our biases, and our lack of a full and accurate historical picture of who that person is, and how they have come to where they are at.

Lastly, and most importantly of all, we absolutely have to avoid comparing - both one person to another, and ourselves to others. That path only ever leads to a furthering of the sense of worthlessness that we seem to have an infinite, inbuilt capacity for. We are all unique, and are made of the sum total of the personal experience held within us. We are all on a journey of one kind or another, and although sometimes we get stuck or choose the wrong path, each of our journeys is uniquely important and valid in its own right. So celebrate your true successes and let them shine for others to see, ever mindful that while you have earned the right to your success, others may not always share in your positivity.

“Nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, difficulty… I have never in my life envied a human being who led an easy life. I have envied a great many people who led difficult lives and led them well.”  - Theodore Roosevelt


Copyright ©2018 Richard C. Greenlow. All rights reserved.

On Reflection

"Among the great geniuses of our times, all showed a readiness to discard prevalent views, an irreverence towards authority, a strong capacity for solitude, and a 'psychological unease' which could cause mental trouble such as depression, anxiety, or alcoholism. But if these qualities were not too incapacitating, they actually contributed to the individual's ability to achieve significant creativity, blaze new trails, propose radical solutions, and promote new schools of thought." - Arnold Ludwig, The Price Of Greatness

The words 'genius', 'mad', 'crazy' and 'insane' get banded about an awful lot these days. It does a great disservice to anyone who suffers with mental ill-health when we inappropriately use such terms, likewise it really is an insult to true genius when we use the term too loosely. However, semantics aside, these words have their place in our increasingly confusing and complex world. My personal experience, most of my reading, and all I have learnt from interactions with artists, writers, musicians and other creative individuals teaches me that it is pretty much a universal truth that much of the best creativity comes from the experiences of psychological or emotional difficulty, embracing the 'dark side' of our nature, refusal to conform, rejection of authority and willingness to discard prevailing ideas in favour of radical new ones. 

"Blessed are the weird people: poets, misfits, writers, mystics, painters, troubadours for they teach us to see the world through different eyes." - Jacob Nordby

Aeons ago when we lived a much simpler life in tribal communities, those who possessed creative gifts were revered and deemed as sacred, to be trusted and respected and rejoiced. Now they are usually just labelled as 'misfits', often derided in society and thought of as 'crazy'. Certainly, there is pretty much no value placed on their creative vision, their potential to show us just how beneficial it can be to embrace unorthodox views and break through the restraints of established ideas and ways of thinking. Sure, financial rewards do find a lucky few writers, musicians, artists etc. but usually only enough reward is paid so as to sell their work to make money for some faceless corporate entity. Often the true value of their work is only 'realised' long after their death. They are rarely celebrated for their real worth - for their gift of a vision of the world that can sooth, inspire, excite, inform and teach us in equal measure.

From a personal point of view I have found that my forays into writing music and poetry, and more recently this blog, have provided me with an immense sense of achievement and satisfaction. I have never, would never claim to be anything even approaching a creative genius. That lofty position belongs to a hundred others I could cite who have inspired and taught me through their works. Much of what we find most appealing and transformative in the creative arts is something personal to each of us, and overall always a highly subjective matter. Amongst the millions of songs, books, plays, films, poems, artworks and items of beauty out there are a few rare items which carry within them universal truths. I have been fortunate enough to have found a few, and continue to enjoy the search for more. Writing is a gift which I am eternally grateful for, expect no reward for and only really wish to share with the world. After all, what good is a gift meant to be shared if we keep it to ourselves?

"Writing means sharing. It's part of the human condition to want to share things - thoughts, ideas, opinions." - Paulo Coelho

There does come a strong sense of sadness with the knowledge that most of the people; the musicians, artists, philosophers, psychologists, scientists, comedians, writers and poets, that I would most enjoy conversing with are dead and buried. It would be easy to develop a complex about the perceived shallow, banal, mediocre, uninspiring, unoriginal and unimaginitive nature of modern culture and many of its popular 'creative' icons. Important then, to remain open-minded and not allow this sense of longing for the past and dissatisfaction with the present to obscure my vision, otherwise how will I catch the rare glimpses of genius amongst the dross? In the meantime there is a world of material I have yet to discover to keep me more than occupied. Ultimately, I suffer from a feeling of disconnection from a peer group that I feel I have finally earned the right to call my own. I'm no genius, but I am a writer and an intellectual, one who feels a million miles away from like-minded souls.

Writing balances me, providing an outlet for the craziness inside my head and the negativity that seeps in from this insane world. The process of sharing ideas, thoughts and views massages my brain, helping me to reflect on what I have learnt and identify the multitude of things I need to learn. It provides me with a voice for my concerns and comfort for when I am struggling. Life is hard work with so much we must learn if we are to live it well, and things have to change in this world if future generations are to have a hope of inheriting something worth having. I don't have all the answers, in fact I probably have very few, but those I do have I know I need and want to share. I've lived a crazy life, and let's face it, the world isn't getting any less mad. As far as I can see, being crazy is the healthiest way to live!

"Some people never go crazy. What horrible lives they must lead." - Charles Bukowski


Copyright ©2018 Richard C. Greenlow. All rights reserved.

Wish You Were Here

So, so you think you can tell

Heaven from hell

Blue skies from pain

Can you tell a green field

From a cold steel rail?

A smile from a veil?

Do you think you can tell?

Did they get you to trade

Your heroes for ghosts?

Hot ashes for trees?

Hot air for a cool breeze?

Cold comfort for change?

Did you exchange

A walk on part in the war

For a lead role in a cage?

How I wish, how I wish you were here

We're just two lost souls

Swimming in a fish bowl

Year after year

Running over the same old ground

What have we found

The same old fears

Wish you were here

- 'Wish You Were Here' by Pink Floyd

There's nothing wrong with admitting to ourselves that we miss people in our lives. Being sentimental, mourning the past or feeling the pain of missing the presence of those who have either passed away or gone out of our lives for another reason, is a natural and 'normal' part of what it is to be human. As I wrote in another piece we naturally form attachments to others in our lives, and often it is not until someone is gone that we realise just how much we truly value them, and how attached we actually are.

There are pitfalls to our tendency towards attachment to people, and our relationships need constant attention and work if they are to remain healthy for us and others. One of the most common mistakes we make, or rather, patterns we fall into, is to take people for granted. This has to be avoided at all costs. It only ever leads to a lessening of our appreciation of the other person in our lives, and inevitably, to the other person feeling undervalued and unequal in the relationship. Maintaining a healthy awareness of our human tendency to take others for granted goes a long way to ensuring we do not trample all over those we are attached to.

Another common pattern we can fall into is forming unhealthy attachments to people, and/or forming attachments to people who are wrong for us. Much of the reason why this happens is rooted in problems with childhood attachment to our parents. Whole books have been written on this subject, and whilst I do intend to explore this area in future I won't go into detail here. Suffice it to say that if the quality of our relationship with our parents or caregivers as children was poor, we are much more likely to settle for poor quality relationships with people as adults, or even subconsciously seek out unhealthy and destructive people in our lives. Some people become pushovers, some get into abusive relationships, some are always playing the victim, some a mix of all of these. Getting out of this pattern can be extremely difficult and involve a monumental effort of will, such is the power of attachment.

Grief and loss are extremely difficult things to cope with. It is almost a paradox that despite the certain knowledge that we are all born to die, death is such a hard and painful thing to deal with. Few would deny that, regardless of one's beliefs around death, bereavement is at the top of a list of the most stressful things to ever happen in life. The death of anyone to whom we are attached is always painful. There are various factors which affect the depth and length of the grief process, of course. How long we have known the person, how close we were, the part they played in our lives (particularly at the early stages), how and why they died - we mourn them because we miss them, and mourn we must if we are to carry on with life without them. Sadly though, sometimes people can find it beyond them to move on. They get stuck within attachment to the past, and as their spirit weakens the world keeps turning without paying them a blind bit of attention.

It can be just as painful and difficult when we lose people, not through death, but in a whole host of other circumstances. Distance can be a killer. Despite our interconnected world there really is no substitute for physical presence, contact and interaction. When anyone we love moves away from us there is always a loss that can be hard to bare and draining on the heart. It is incumbent on both parties to do the work of keeping in touch, until such time as they can be reunited. Sometimes we can lose people because they spend too much time apart from us. This is often because of work commitments. How many marriages fail because there is just not enough family time? Ironic really that we often spend so much time and energy providing for our families, and so little time enjoying them.

Perhaps one of the very hardest losses in life when it comes to others though is when, for whatever reason(s), relationships turn bad. There are few experiences in life sadder or more soul-destroying than a once healthy relationship turning sour, often seemingly without reason, with all the associated emotion and feelings of anger, betrayal, hurt, even hatred that come with it. We have to engage in a process of extracting ourselves from the attachment to the other person, and every single tendril of it must be removed if we are to have the best chance of moving on in a healthy way. The whole process can seem even harder when we come to the realisation that, arguments and fights aside, we have simply outgrown the other person, or they us, or both. But, these are the 'growing pains' of life, and despite the necessary suffering involved we must get used to the fact that it will likely happen again, that outgrowing people is actually another 'normal' and healthy part of life.

“These are the intensities that one cannot live with, that he has to outgrow if he wants to survive. But who can help grieving for them? If the blood vessels could hold them, how much better to keep those early loves with us?” - Tennessee Williams

I miss my family and friends who have left this mortal coil. I miss old friends and associates with whom I once shared a path in life. I miss the laughter and the light and the love of those connections. I miss their presence, the certainty of that. I miss the simplest of things about them, and I believe that I always will. But there is no going back now, such is life. So this is me, smiling through tears, remembering. I wish you were here..

Wish You Were Here lyrics © Concord Music Publishing LLC, BMG Rights Management

Copyright ©2018 Richard C. Greenlow. All rights reserved.

That's The Spirit

Spirituality..

For me this is a thorny and difficult subject, as I find it can be for many people. I think the main reason is that it is so tied up with religion, and all the inherent problems that we can find discussing religion. I wrote a previous piece laying out where I stand on religion some time ago. In summary, I am an atheist and a firm believer that that which cannot be explained using the logic and reason of science and proved with the scientific method just does not exist. This includes so-called 'paranormal' phenomena, and anything else which fits into the umbrella term of 'magical thinking'. At the same time I strongly believe in other people's right to religious expression, and to any belief system as long as it does not hurt people and is not pushed on others, and would (and do) vehemently defend that right. I understand why faith is so important to people.

I realised upon re-reading my earlier piece that there is a disquiet in me when it comes to spirituality. It has been there for a long time, briefly quietened by the blind faith of my former years, momentarily touched upon by some isolated incidents of witnessing the presence of serendipity and karma in my life. I also felt that having a mindset that requires an explanation for everything allows no room for the genuine and wonderful nature of 'mystery' in life, and the important role it plays in balancing our inbuilt flaws and fallibility. I realised that I was not only unsatisfied with discarding spirituality in tandem with religious belief and faith, but that I was doing the very thing I often warn people about - throwing the baby out with the bathwater. An epiphany of sorts came last night, as ever from the unlikeliest of sources, in this case a piece of dialogue on a sci-fi TV series..

I have realised that spirituality is simply belief in something, anything, larger than ourselves, and that being 'spiritual' usually implies searching for meaning in life. It is concentrating on that which enriches and nourishes the spirit or 'soul', rather than the physical or material things in life. So, it turns out that I am actually a very spiritual being, because I do believe in something bigger than myself.

I believe in humanity.

I believe in our collective potential to evolve and become better. I don't believe in God, or that the term 'spirit' refers to dead people, or in some supreme being or 'higher power', but I do believe that when human beings come together for the purpose of fostering and furthering each individual's emotional and spiritual development that amazingly powerful forces are unleashed, and 'miracles' can happen.

Perhaps the answer to the question, 'what is the meaning of life' has always been right there in the very question itself. Perhaps the meaning of life is to find meaning in life. The search for meaning is easier if we are part of a community. No wonder so many of us are sick of modern life, as community is under attack like never before, from all sides. No wonder people still find solace, respite, comfort and reassurance in traditional church congregations, despite the general decline of religious belief and rise of secularism. No wonder groups like the 12-step programmes of Alcoholics and Narcotics Anonymous are so effective in treating addiction and related problems. No wonder that group therapy is proving to be increasingly useful and popular in the treatment of mental illness. We live in an ever more connected world, yet basic human contact and interaction continues to decline.

Religion teaches us that man was made in God's image. Maybe the reality is that God was made in man's image. Now I don't want to offend anyone or negate anyone's belief system here, but think about what I'm saying. All the religious texts, the 'holy books', were written by human beings, right? They are basically a collection of stories handed down from generation to generation, person to person, transferred by word-of-mouth. At some point they are eventually written down, and continually rewritten. This process takes hundreds of years and many people have had to remember the details, not to mention the fact that each will have unwittingly or intentionally applied there own personal bias and interpretation to the stories. Religions then, to a varying degree, decide on a 'definitive' version of these writings and call it 'the word of God', and it becomes scripture or 'law'. So no matter what religion we believe, what image of God we have in our minds, that image is a product of the minds of men, is it not?

Think about the power humanity actually possesses. Each of us can create and destroy, in both a physical and metaphysical way. As a race we certainly seem adept at destroying the natural world and snuffing out all kinds of life with impunity. We are also capable of creating incredible feats of engineering and technology which can improve life on this planet. We have changed the face of the Earth and moulded mother nature with an efficiency, speed and sense of purpose that any 'God' would be proud of. We can get together to create new life with ease, and in raising children are we not participating in a 'grand design'? Individually we each hold within ourselves the potential to evolve and grow to become better people, for the whole duration of our lives, and to nurture the emotional and spiritual growth of others. Our powers as human beings are almost limitless - even Godlike?

So it is that I arrive at a place where I know I must stop resisting my own spirituality. In a sense I am already doing that, and have been for some time with my learning, in my social interactions, with my writing and in the way I choose to live my life. The reaching out to others that has become increasingly important to me recently has to be the latest part of my 'evolution'. I am looking for community, not attention. My need is to share the universal truths I have learnt and am learning, because they have helped me so much and I have found that they can help others, not because of any egotistical desire to prove how smart or wise I think I am. I have nothing to prove. I certainly don't want to be right about everything. I want to share the experience of learning and growing, in the hope that by doing so things might well change for the better for everyone, in the spirit of community, in truth, light and love.

My search for meaning in life has led me to this point. From here I hope to continue my search in the company of others.

"He voiced his opinions quietly but thoughtfully on the breeze, hopeful that another might hear, and in hearing him recognise themselves.."



Copyright ©2018 Richard C. Greenlow. All rights reserved.

No Pain, No Gain

“Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult - once we truly understand and accept it - then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters.”
― M. Scott Peck

We live in a pain-avoiding culture, one that encourages quick-fix solutions to all kinds of discomfort, and fosters the idea that the most complex problems in life like personal growth and dealing with mental illness can be solved with shortcuts and simple remedies. No wonder then that we face epidemic levels of mental ill-health, and that we are not evolving as a society anywhere near our potential. We grow up in a media and technology bubble that fails to reflect the true importance and inherent value in coping and dealing with necessary and legitimate suffering in life. Instead we are brainwashed into believing that all pain is bad, and that an instant remedy is always available. No wonder we are in such a mess..

“The difficulty we have in accepting responsibility for our behaviour lies in the desire to avoid the pain of the consequences of that behaviour.”
― M. Scott Peck

The fundamental lesson we have to learn about the pain and difficulty in life is that it can be split into two kinds - legitimate, necessary suffering and unnecessary suffering. So things like dealing with change, grief and loss, physical ill-health, learning from mistakes - these are examples of legitimate, necessary suffering in life. We all have to not just endure and cope with these things but learn from them and use them to grow as a person. Then there are examples of unnecessary suffering - holding on to the past, not recognising inherent lessons in life's problems, or recognising lessons but shunning the work of learning, clinging to unhealthy coping mechanisms, allowing others to control or dictate our path in life - these are the sort of things we all do which stop us truly learning and growing in life. Continued unnecessary suffering and the avoidance of legitimate pain in our lives is at the root of most mental ill-health.

“The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.”
― M. Scott Peck

Now we get to the nub of the matter. Every time we fail to make the distinction between necessary and unnecessary pain, and seek to avoid it regardless, we stunt our personal growth. All we are really doing is choosing short term gain for long term pain. In our desire to avoid suffering we throw out the baby with the bathwater. It is not all our fault. The forces that influence us, and society as a whole, emphasise and amplify the falsehood that avoidance of pain, shortcuts and temporary remedies will work, and they do it from a very young age in many ways, from the subtle to the blatant. We are not educated to deal effectively with sadness, loss, grief etc. any more than we are taught to recognise the often subtle difference between pain and discomfort that is necessary to grow in life, and that which is unnecessary and unhealthy. It is left up to us to disentangle our mindsets and reinvent our whole way of thinking to deal effectively with, and even welcome, the pain in life.

“Abandon the urge to simplify everything, to look for formulas and easy answers, and begin to think multidimensionally, to glory in the mystery and paradoxes of life, not to be dismayed by the multitude of causes and consequences that are inherent in each experience -- to appreciate the fact that life is complex.”
― M. Scott Peck

Thinking in more complex, more complete terms doesn't come easily at all when you have spent your life following the example of our society and culture and oversimplifying everything. There are no quick fixes if you want to avoid illegitimate suffering and the descent into mental ill-health, and rarely are there any snappy taglines that will encompass the lessons you need to learn in life. It will be hard work. It will be difficult and it will hurt. It will be very uncomfortable and challenging. But I can promise you friends, once you get on this path the rewards come thick and fast. Dawning realisations, the opening of formerly closed parts of your mind, whole new ways of looking at your past and present situation, all will happen once you discard the old mindset of pain avoidance. Best of all, as you get into this new, more healthy, more truthful way of thinking about life, it becomes less difficult to do the work of change, and the massive benefits and rewards get bigger and better.

“It is in the whole process of meeting and solving problems that life has meaning. Problems are the cutting edge that distinguishes between success and failure. Problems call forth our courage and our wisdom; indeed, they create our courage and our wisdom. It is only because of problems that we grow mentally and spiritually. It is through the pain of confronting and resolving problems that we learn.”
― M. Scott Peck

Take it from someone who knows what a life of pain avoidance of almost every conceivable kind can do to you, it is always worth making the change and it is never too late to start. I was fortunate enough to find shining lights in my darkest moments, and despite years of self-sabotage, self-harm, self-medication and all that comes with avoiding the legitimate and necessary pain of change and growth, I have finally got to the point where I am growing more than I am regressing, learning more than I am failing to learn, and embracing the discomforts and challenges of personal, emotional, some may say spiritual growth with determination and gratitude.

“It is only because of problems that we grow mentally and spiritually.”
― M. Scott Peck

It took me 20 years to get to this point. Don't let it take you that long! But, however long it takes, persevere to the last - the rewards are manifold, magical and life-changing. Whether you are struggling with multiple issues in life, suffering with mental illness, or just feeling unsatisfied and unfulfilled, learning to accept and deal with pain and avoid unnecessary suffering in life is the key to growing to be a better person, for you and for everyone else.

“All my life I used to wonder what I would become when I grew up. Then, about seven years ago, I realised that I was never going to grow up--that growing is an ever ongoing process.”
― M. Scott Peck


N.B. All the quotations used in this piece are courtesy of the amazing book by M. Scott Peck MD, entitled The Road Less Travelled: A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values, and Spiritual Growth. Highly recommended reading!


Copyright ©2018 Richard C. Greenlow. All rights reserved.

Bad Days

You know what? Sometimes you have to allow yourself to declare a day as bad, and move on. Yesterday was a bad day. I was emotionally exhausted. I felt overly tired, and despite it being Sunday and having lots of extra rest, nothing made me feel less tired. In fact, the more rest I got the more tired I felt. And the more grumpy, bad tempered, low, agitated and negative I got too. Thing is, life doesn't just stop when you feel bad. No matter how much you may sometimes wish the world would stop turning for a day, let you off for a while, it simply doesn't. Life goes on..

Important caveat: this is absolutely not a pity parade. I am not looking for sympathy, or trying to elevate my personal suffering above that of any one else. I am all too aware of my good fortune and grateful for my blessings in life. Despite my shortcomings, when it comes to mental health I am better off than many people who I have met or know of through others, and I would never claim to be hard done by.

Yesterday was a blue Sunday for me. It began in the usual way, progressed in a predictable manner and should have been enjoyable, restful and relaxing. Instead, it was increasingly uncomfortable, as a growing unease built in my mind. As the hours went by the pent up frustration of knowing I needed rest but the act of resting bringing me no relent gradually increased my general irritability. This in turn cultivated the twin troubles of guilt at being bad tempered with my family and a sense of helplessness at feeling unable to do anything to change the situation.

Imagine a dream where you have all good things laid out before you, good people around you and nothing to fear or feel bad about, yet every time you reach out to grasp something good it dissolves, or disappears, or moves just out of your reach, and whenever you open your mouth to speak to people the wrong thing comes out and you offend, hurt or insult them and they turn away from you. That is exactly what these days feel like, only I cannot wake up and feel the relief that it was just a dream.

The fear in all this comes from knowing that despite the breadth and depth of my knowledge of bipolar disorder, depression and anxiety, the vast array of tools and techniques I have learned to cope with these afflictions, the certain knowledge that I am doing all I can to keep on top of it all, the positive nature of my prognosis, the fact that I can learn new ways to deal with everything any time I want to and the continuing surety of support from those around me, there will still be times when I just feel like nothing is good, and negativity will dominate. Such is the nature of the underlying condition, and it absolutely sucks.

Yesterday was just not fair. It was not fair that I woke up knowing right away that a whole day would be spent feeling basically inhuman, and that the feeling would be impossible to get away from despite all the hope and positivity in the world. It was not fair that my family had to put up with my moods, my negativity, my short-tempered verbal tirades and my irritability. It wasn't fair that what should have been a lovely restful family day was more an exercise in endurance. It wasn't fair that a potentially lovely Sunday was ruined by the old chestnut of my mental illness. It wasn't fair that I ended the day doing all I could to drown out the voice inside my head telling me how much of an arsehole I am, and how I don't deserve to have this life. It wasn't fair at all.

Today, however, is a whole new day..

I have awoken and risen feeling like myself again - positive, content, self-assured and ready for the new week. There is a lingering feeling of sadness, a sense of loss that yesterday was not what it should have been, and an orange flag sticking up in my mind that indicates I should spend some time analysing how I dealt with it all to try to draw lessons from it. Ever eager to learn anything I can from days like yesterday, I shall extract anything that may help me do my next blue day better. It might not be much, but it is something. After all, turning negatives into positives is how I cope best with my bipolar life.

When all is said and done, the unfairness of my situation is par for the course. Life is unfair! It is my duty and responsibility to continue to learn and deal with bipolar disorder, and depression and anxiety, so that I can do the good work of growing and changing with life, and be a better husband, father, friend and human being. The world doesn't need any more excuses, it needs shining lights. If I can be a light that shines into the darkness of mental ill-health, if I can show those who are lost a way out of the quagmire, if I can be of any help to those who feel like giving up on life, then somehow it makes my blue days acceptable. Most of all, if by shining my light out into the world I increase the positivity that comes back into my life, which I already know it will, then perhaps those blue days will be less blue, and less frequent.

I live in hope, because any other way just doesn't work.



Copyright ©2018 Richard C. Greenlow. All rights reserved.

Apologies

Sorry really can be the hardest word to say.

It can often be the end product of a mammoth effort of will to recognise we have done wrong, accept the reason(s) why and make the gesture of an apology to those we have wronged. It is an act both humble and powerful at the same time.

"More people should apologise, and more people should accept apologies when sincerely made." - Greg LeMond

Apologies are only good though if they are done the right way. They only work when they come from a place of honest and heartfelt sincerity. They are only real when they come from a process we have engaged in of self-analysis, in which we contemplate why we did the wrong thing, how it affected the injured party and steps we will take to try to prevent a repeat of the incident(s).

That process of self-analysis, however short or long it necessarily has to be, is essential if we are to learn from our mistakes. Remember when you were a child and you had a playground disagreement with another child, an incident occurred, and you were made to say sorry? Well if the adult who dealt with that failed to explain to you the importance of understanding how your actions affected the other party, and perhaps merely got you and the other person to apologise, then they failed you both. Insincere apologies, where the motivation to say sorry is simply obligation or wanting a 'quick fix' to the problem, is kind of worse than no apology at all really. If we don't do the work of self-analysis and introspection then frankly we may as well keep our hollow apologies to ourselves.

Apologising is not a selfless act in and of itself. Rather, it is the end result of a personal internal process of searching within one's self, looking for the answers to questions of what motivated and led to our thoughts, words and actions negatively affecting other people. Whether the realisation comes from thinking about how we have wronged the other party and quickly coming to obvious conclusions, or through a long journey into reasons behind the patterns of negative behaviour towards others we have exhibited, the process of remorse helps us to become better people.

The subsequent need to apologise should always be an expression of that remorse, intended for the benefit of all parties. We want the injured party to understand why we did them wrong, to see that we have really made an effort to avoid repeating our mistakes, and to feel positive about what was a negative experience. If we come from a place of personal resolution, where we have done the work of understanding our mistakes or misdeeds, we want the closure that comes from sharing such positive internal change with those who we have hurt or slighted. We have effectively completed an act of self-healing, and hopefully also helped others to heal from whatever wounds we inflicted upon them.

Sadly, it is not always possible to come to such a positive conclusion through the act of apologising. For a plethora of reasons, we may well find that an apology is just not considered enough, appreciated or even wanted. We may find that others are not ready to forgive us, or have been traumatised by our actions to such a degree that they cannot accept our apologies. They may have not moved on enough in their own personal lives to be in a place where even the most sincere apology cuts the mustard. For whatever reason, some people will not respond well to apologies, and we must be ever mindful of this fact. Sometimes an apology is just not enough, so we must accept that possibility and not allow ourselves to be too disheartened by it.

Forgiveness is a similar thing to apologising, in that it is not a selfless act. Forgiving someone for their mistakes, for the things they have done which caused you personal pain and hardship, frees you from the built up negativity associated with that whole episode. It too requires a process of self-analysis. One needs to identify exactly why and how the deeds of another have hurt us in order to understand why we feel so wronged. Then we usually will want to come to some sort of understanding as to what led the other party to hurt us. Hating on someone for their misdeeds against us only ever really hurts us more. While we are using up our valuable time and energy thinking negatively towards them we could be working on forgiveness, freeing ourselves from the worst of the negative impact of whatever has happened.

So, in the spirit of this piece, I will conclude with a symbolic gesture of my personal apologies to those who I have slighted, hurt or wronged on my journey thus far in life..

For when I was too busy being angry

To share in your joy and laughter,

For when I closed my eyes and my mind

To your infinite beauty and complexity,

For when I allowed my shallow prejudice

To cloud the picture of truth in your eyes,

For times when I allowed my shortcomings

To encroach on your freedom to roam.

For when I chose to hide behind excuses

Instead of growing and learning with you,

For when I allowed my blind selfishness

To attempt to dominate and control you,

For when I failed to realise your wisdom

Or your value or your good intentions,

For when rage, fury and despair took over

And attempted to extinguish your light.

For every hurtful word I've uttered

And every time I've shut you down,

In every lesson unrealised and unlearned,

In all the hopes I've burned to the ground,

For any time I've shunned your affection

Or made you feel like you're not loved,

In every moment of passive-aggression

And for every attempt at self-sabotage.

For forgetting what's really important,

For prioritising my needs above yours,

For letting the past dictate the future,

For losing faith and losing control,

For failing to show you my love,

For keeping my feelings to myself,

For tripping and falling at every hurdle,

For not appreciating the gift that is us,

I'm sorry.

Copyright ©2018 Richard C. Greenlow. All rights reserved.

The Kids

Not so many years ago there was a prevailing poor attitude towards children. It was considered virtuous that 'children be seen and not heard'. It beggars belief that this was ever considered a good thing. The idea that children's opinions, their natural curiosity and ultimately their right to free speech should be stifled or silenced by anyone, let alone those charged with caring for them, is not just detrimental and damaging to them, but to society as a whole.

In reality, we have more to learn from our children than we can ever really teach them..

I am not advocating giving totally free reign to our kids. When making way for their voice leads to rudeness, lack of respect, unkindness and negativity towards others it is important to let them know this is unacceptable, and why. This kind of behaviour is born of a lack of understanding, so it is our jobs as parents, carers, teachers and responsible adults to explain to them why it is wrong and how to treat others with more respect and kindness. Discipline can and should be administered in a firm but fair way. Nurturing a child works. Castigating them does not. If punishment is necessary it must be carefully considered and serve the end purpose of teaching right from wrong without crushing the spirit of the child.

It is said often, by many, but predominantly those of the older generations, that children these days need old-fashioned discipline, as if that is the be-all and end-all of child rearing. I don't know what you think of when this is said, but in my minds eye an image of a school teacher with a cain and a parent with a belt is immediately conjured forth. Along with this I can hear the voices of various 60+ year old individuals chiming together, "if I was out of line I'd get a beating..it never did me any harm". Really? Well bully for you. Literally.

If we use physical punishment to enforce our will upon children, regardless of how 'naughty' they have been or how seemingly effective it might appear in the short term, all we are doing is normalising violence and teaching them that hitting people solves problems. The potential for this to become bullying, not to mention the multifaceted dangers of growing up with the notion that violence can solve our problems, is simply not worth it. Thankfully things have moved on a bit from the 'old school' days, but those who decry today's children as lacking in discipline, harking back to the 'good old days', are perpetuating the myth that fear of adults inspires respect and creates good character in children, when in reality it at best belittles, terrorises and crushes them, and at worst creates the kind of monsters who commit the most unspeakable acts in the world.

Violence against children doesn't just take physical form of course. The scars that can be created by domineering, emotionally abusive parents are perhaps even worse than the bruises that physical punishment administers. It is a tough tightrope to tread as a parent, knowing how to be firm without being too harsh, when to raise the voice just enough to tell them off without making them very unhappy, and knowing when subtle nurture is better than stern admonishment. Of course we want and need to be able to teach our kids right from wrong, respect for others and the importance of listening to those who know better than us, but doing it at the expense of their emotional well-being is tantamount to a crime against humanity. Society is unfortunately teeming with people with mental illness, psychopathy and criminality that directly stems from the shitty parenting they received in their formative years.

As adults we sometimes think we know it all, and of course we often know better than our children on a good many things. So much of what makes us who we are is learned by example, as children, from our parents. If we experience abuse, neglect, bullying and a lack of affection then it is hard to blame us if we become dysfunctional, difficult, destructive adults. We have to lead our kids by our own good example, showing them how to navigate the world successfully without stomping on others, and why it is important to lead a good life for the benefit of ourselves and the rest of the world, balancing personal growth and ambition with morality, humility and kindness. And the crux of the matter is that the whole time we are trying to control, dominate, force or crush our kids into complying with 'the rules' we fail to see and hear the amazing, incredible, wonderful contribution they make in our lives and to the world as a whole.

We truly have so much more to learn from children than we can hope to teach them; their wonder, their natural curiosity, their willingness to learn, their openness to change, their adaptability, their strength of character, their simple but elegant logic, their ability to soak up new information like a sponge, their dedication to those they love, the list goes on and on. Let us not fall into old patterns and ways of doing things that simply don't work, and don't help create a society of better humans than the past. Let us see the kids for what they really are - miraculous gifts of life, to be nurtured and guided on their journey to the best of our ability, so that we might leave the world a better place than that into which we were born.

"Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you." - H. Jackson Brown, Jr.


Copyright ©2018 Richard C. Greenlow. All rights reserved.

Poetry Corner [II]

Welcome to this months three poetry offerings. The first two are recent, but the third is an older one I recently re-read and found it really stood out. As ever, these poems are intensely personal, but I share them in the hope that they might strike a chord with others. This is the essence of what I mean by 'shining a light out of dark corners'. Enjoy!

Endings And Beginnings

Where does anxiety end

And the underlying condition begin,

And what is just excuses,

Abuses and ill-will?

I’m still struggling to decide

If all I’m really doing

Is trying to hide my dark side,

And where that leaves me.

If, underneath these neuroses,

I am really not a good man,

Then at least I can have clarity

And be a little closer to sanity,

Instead of the edge of sheer dread

That comes with not knowing

Whether I am coming or going,

Or simply losing my head.

The answers aren’t forthcoming

So I’m turning to educated guesses,

I guess I’m yearning for wisdom

As learning unlocks depths of me.

By choosing my battles,

When anxiety rattles my cage,

I can try to dampen my rage

In the hope of winning the war.

All this is fine, with one caveat..

There can be no near-misses

And no collateral damage,

For those just count as losses.

I have to work, build bridges

For other people to cross,

Or I risk complete loss

And it will all have been for nought.

[08.07.2018]

Extreme Vexation

Nothing good ever comes of this..
Hatred firing through every fibre,
Rage building like a bushfire,
Nerves raw and ragged to the flames.

Doesn't matter knowing why it's there,
That familiar incandescent fury,
Makes no difference once you're aflame
And all hope is burned to the ground.

You can analyse it, rationalise it,
Understand the sources and triggers,
But once the explosive moment occurs
All reason and logic are meaningless.

And after the firestorm comes despair,
Guilt, regret and remorse of course,
That awareness of lost self-control
Leaves you down in the valleys again.

Every day is a potential minefield,
Triggers are everywhere, in everything,
You cannot rest for fear of ignition
And the dreaded fallout that follows.

Holding on to the thin thread of hope
That one day this will be overcome,
'Cos slowly but surely you wear out,
The fight starts to go right out of you.

Nothing good to be found in all this
Except an increased tolerance of pain,
But you can only go so far suffering
Until it all gets too much for the brain..

[26.07.2018]



Untitled

It stirred me to my soul!
Again and again, over and over,
Your revelations, my realisations,
Tying up all those loose ends.

So, onward we shall go,
Our parallel lives un-entwined,
Unravelling riddles and puzzles
That muddled our minds.

Almost effortless, enigmatic even!
Gathering up pieces of our lives,
Just apply logic, see how it thrives
Then becomes a state of mind.

It expanded my growth;
I spoke no oath, no verbal contract,
Just spontaneous human contact
Was all it took to revise my book.

And then, that sensual smile!
All the while, awareness expanding,
Landing together on dry land,
No more drifting on shifting sands.

We’re peas in a polarised pod,
The best looking bricks in the hod,
Lifted up on the ladder of life
To help build a house to call home.

So, onwards and upwards?
Who knows how things will go,
It’s not for us to know,
No, we’re just not meant to.

The future’s unset, unknown.
We’ve grown, but now there’s miles
Of meandering road up ahead.
Thank God, then, that we’re friends.

[10.02.2006]

Copyright ©2018 Richard C. Greenlow. All rights reserved.

Angels Exist

Allow me to tell you about someone extraordinary. Someone who is underestimated, who's achievements more often than not go uncelebrated, and who truly deserves the highest praise of all. She doesn't consider herself worthy of this sort of praise, such is her humility and humble nature, but it is high time that the magnificence of her presence and the beauty of her soul were highlighted to the world..

There are two definitions of the word 'angel'. The first is obviously of the religious/spiritual kind. The second is simply 'a person of exemplary conduct or virtue'. In this piece I am talking of the latter. This particular angel was born into what most people would call a pretty 'normal' or 'ordinary' English family. She experienced a lot of bullying throughout her school years, again not an abnormal thing to go through, but nonetheless difficult and painful at a tender age. One can imagine that the world seemed pretty harsh and unforgiving to her by the time she left high school.

Since her early days, life has been a roller coaster ride of emotions. She has found herself in difficult roles, which have shaped and defined her in multifaceted ways. Chief among these was in unexpectedly becoming an expectant single mother, only to have the worst of all possible outcomes happen when, shortly after birth, her beautiful baby son passed away. It is simply impossible to fathom the depths of grief, loss and pain that emanate from this huge event in her life. The potential in this situation for one to become bitter and resentful of life is massive. How many would never get back up off their knees after such an event, or get up only to become twisted and broken?

She has taken on the role of friend and carer with enhanced compassion, empathy, understanding and capacity for love since this tragedy. She has navigated through the minefield of her grief, the awkwardness and difficulty others have with it, and the overwhelming sense of meaninglessness and unfairness that echoes from it with a grace and quiet resilience that is worthy of the highest honour. She asks the world for so little, yet truly deserves so much more than she would ever ask for.

She finds it hard to make friends, a fact which comes from the legacy of schoolyard bullying and bitter experience since then. She has been let down and lied to often, and when letting people in comes hard and they suddenly turn and tread all over you it is easy to give up on people all together. But, she hasn't given up on people. She has learned to be guarded, careful and ever-conscious of the pitfalls and risks of letting people into her life, but has not closed the door to them. She will not suffer fools gladly, but at the same time she will not close her heart to the possibility of new friendship.

She shines brightest when it comes to her roles of step-mother and mother to two daughters. She negotiates, compromises, nurtures, guides, organises, supports, helps and extends herself to them with an unconditional love that is unshakeably strong and awesomely powerful. The children look up to her, respect her and love her back with an ease that many would truly envy. She is an amazing role model and a beacon of light in the lives of these children, and she does it all completely naturally, taking it all in her stride, even when it is difficult, uncomfortable and massively inconvenient to her.

To me, she is my absolutely everything. The rock to which my very existence is tethered. She found me when I was at my very worst, lowest ebb, just as I was ready to give up on life, and she helped me rise up from the pits of that despair without hesitation. She took a huge risk to be with me, and is the driving force behind my will to live up to my potential and my desire to be the kind of husband she needs and deserves. She inspires me, enthralls me, guides me, supports me and puts herself on the line for me all the time. She has helped me to get through the fallout of the sum total of all life's hard knocks. She encourages my growth and listens to my petty grumblings and complaints. She has stayed with me.

She has stayed!

All the work of self-improvement, emotional growth, therapy and continued dedication to truth and reality I do for myself, of course, but also for her. I have an awful lot to live up to, so much to be grateful for and much more work to do to truly show my appreciation to her, and to be not just a good but a great husband to her. She deserves to be shown every day just how important, how amazing, how wonderful and how uniquely special she is in our lives. I have not always lived up to my word, or made enough effort, and I rarely feel deserving of her. The mission of living up to her magnificence is mine to fail. I am determined I will not fail her.

She is my angel, and worthy of the highest praise.

It may be the loftiest of goals, but I hope that one day I can rise to be her angel too..


Copyright ©2018 Richard C. Greenlow. All rights reserved.