Time To Change

I'm not sure how this will go! This might be one piece you just gloss over, to be honest..

In contemplative, reflective mood I find myself taking stock for a moment, a status report if you will. I'm sharing this for the same reason as ever, whispering on the wind in the hope that someone might catch my drift, because if it resonates with even one person then it will have satisfied me in knowing (a) I'm not the only one and (b) I have contributed something. I can promise that these are not just my ramblings, devoid of anything to relate to, but I can't promise to be your motivational speaker or anything.

So anyway, here goes..

I want to be a success. Doesn't everyone? I wrote a piece all about it some time ago. Well a couple of days ago I was looking at the artwork on an album and I spotted this amazing quote which just perfectly sums it all up for me:

"To laugh often and much; To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

So I know what success looks like to me. I know exactly what I need to achieve. I can measure myself in the here and now, judge where I am doing it right and where I am falling short, and work out what I need to do to get closer towards this success and further from the failings of the past. It is a journey that I have chosen, not a destination, and I'm all good with that. I can see that there is only really one thing that is required for me to actualise my goals and achieve this kind of success - change.

As I have often discussed it is only through constant rigorous self-analysis, striving for self-discipline, being dedicated to truth and reality at all costs, and learning to deal as well as possible with problems and pain that real change can be achieved..

"..But it isn’t sexy [change]. It is, in fact, in the exact opposite direction of egoic gratification. On a collective level, it means giving up on barking and snarling at the Russians or the libtards or the Muslims or the Trump supporters and relinquishing the notion of your pet political, religious or social faction ever being proven right and vindicated over the others. On an individual level, it means letting go of everything you’ve built your identity on. It means realising and fully understanding that you’ve been basically wrong about everything your entire life as mental narratives are seen for the babbling nonsense they are. It means forgiving yourself for your mistakes and forgiving your mother for hers. It means the ultimate humility of taking everything you’ve held yourself to be and unceremoniously discarding it like an old piece of gum." - Caitlin Johnstone

Wow. What's all this about loss of identity? Being wrong about everything? Well, I've been here before. I understand about the value of learning from mistakes. I'm aware of all the cognitive biases and I do all I can to avoid the pitfalls. I know of the power of the narratives that are spun all around me, and my quest for truth usually guides me in the right way. I can research and learn, I can revise my thinking, I can counter the lies and the propaganda and the bullshit with my own healthy narrative. I can see through the thin veneer and I can sniff out the truth. I know this is the right way to be thinking. I need no further proof.

I know my true identity, and even though I've somehow managed to achieve a level of contentment within myself, such that being alone and being lonely are to me different universes, sometimes my thoughts do creep towards the realm of 'magical thinking', and I wonder if there is more out there..

"My brain is only a receiver, in the Universe there is a core from which we obtain knowledge, strength and inspiration. I have not penetrated into the secrets of this core, but I know that it exists." - Nikola Tesla

At this point I am rather stuck, between the wonder and curiosity buried deep within that I cannot ignore, and the logic and reason that I accumulate and learn and value so much. I write of this conundrum, but I don't spend much time thinking about anything for which there is not an explanation, or at least some sort of theory, or at the very least the promise of an explanation to come in the future. Maybe it is simply fear of the unknown, but I suggest that it is far more likely fear of delusion, of believing in fairy tales and of being deceived. Yet, there are two undeniable and unexplained 'forces' in my life which go against all logic and reason, but which I am absolutely unable to deny the existence of - karma and serendipity. So maybe there is 'something out there', although I suspect that it is actually everywhere - within us, all around us, in everyone and everything. Something..universal?

Meanwhile, back on Earth, us mere mortals are still judging ourselves and others, worrying about how we look and how we're seen, all preoccupied by the unnecessary suffering of fitting in, not fitting in, achieving, not achieving, comparing ourselves to others - oh, the humanity..

"Give up defining yourself - to yourself or to others. You won't die. You will come to life. And don't be concerned with how others define you. When they define you, they are limiting themselves, so it's their problem. Whenever you interact with people, don't be there primarily as a function or a role, but as the field of conscious Presence. You can only lose something that you have, but you cannot lose something that you are." - Eckhart Tolle

Ah, my dear friends. We can be forgiven for spending so much time being a self-involved, self-absorbed, self-defeating neurotic mess. There are pressures out there in the material world of our media-raped societies which affect us from birth and never truly relent. People can be so influenced and overpowered by the illusions and falsehoods that they are subjected to daily that they become toxic, and we can become infected with that poison too. Yet we can all live a far more authentic, genuine and positive existence if we just scratch beneath the surface more, raise our moral standards, learn the value of learning and expand our minds. Our hearts follow, and we grow. We get better at being better humans, for ourselves and each other. If you are struggling, here's some words of encouragement.

But what of all the suffering out there? All that unnecessary suffering. We either empathise and get angry and rail against humanity's inhumanity, or we turn a blind eye and get apathetic and close our hearts to it all, or we allow ourselves to feel the pain closest to home but show indifference to horrors in far off lands. And within ourselves, from the omnipresent stresses of modern life right through the spectrum to the pain and confusion of multiple mental illnesses, we all endure personal suffering to a greater or lesser degree. The thing is - and it really is a big thing - we cannot allow ourselves to be defined by this suffering. Even if we struggle every moment of every day, we somehow have to transform ourselves - from being a victim, a sufferer, a walking effigy of a syndrome - to being a survivor, a warrior, a shining beacon of hope..

"As a fact, we cannot give suffering precedence in either our individual or collective lives. We have to get on with things, and those who give precedence to suffering will be left behind. They fetter us with their snivelling. We have someplace to go and must believe we can get there, wherever that may be. And to conceive that there is a 'brotherhood of suffering between everything alive' would disable us from getting anywhere.
We are preoccupied with the good life, and step by step are working toward a better life. What we do, as a conscious species, is set markers for ourselves. Once we reach one marker, we advance to the next — as if we were playing a board game we think will never end, despite the fact that it will, like it or not. And if you are too conscious of not liking it, then you may conceive of yourself as a biological paradox that cannot live with its consciousness and cannot live without it. And in so living and not living, you take your place with the undead and the human puppet.” - Thomas Ligotti, The Conspiracy Against the Human Race

At the end of the day, there is one unifying force that underlines everything good in my life. It counters confusion, it provides peace when all is awry, it requires effort but does not depend on my mood or lessen when I feel weak. It is ever-present and unshakeable. It filters through every single layer of my being, every flaw and imperfection, every doubt and every fear, and can always be depended upon. Sometimes it is hard to accept it, sometimes hard to give, but it is always there to be gifted or received. It cushions me when I fall and comforts me when I feel broken. It entwines my being with light, penetrates to the core of my very soul and emanates outwards to touch every other soul I come into contact with. It is what makes life worthwhile, turning mere survival into a chance to truly thrive..

It is love! And it is wonderful.

‎"With love you don’t bargain. There, the choice is not yours. Love is a mirror, it reflects only your essence, if you have the courage to look in its face." - Rumi


Copyright ©2018 Richard C. Greenlow. All rights reserved.

Solitary Confinement

This is much more than mere frustration. Here I stand, walled in by something far more difficult to negotiate than a mere impasse. Even though I feel inside me the freedom of casting off the shackles of misinformation and falsehood that once kept me caged, I cannot get past these walls. I'm as free as a bird.. in a bigger cage. Some room to fly, food and water available, but my wings keep clipping those damn walls. Have I merely exchanged one cage for another?

I never doubt how much better it is to be out of the prison I used to be stuck in. Awareness is everything. I went from asleep to waking to fully 'woke' in the space of a couple of decades. Now there is an overwhelming sense of urgency underpinning my every conscious thought. I'm trying to have patience but it's so hard to know when waiting is right, and when to push buttons and pull levers, because if I push and pull at the wrong time I upset the apple cart and it's back to square one. The seething vexation can be seen in white knuckles and gritted teeth..

I hear the word 'overthinking' a lot these days and right now it really annoys me. I'm led to think, how dare anyone say I'm overthinking? How very unthoughtful. There's no virtue and nothing to be gained by thinking any less. I think therefore I am, and I'm trying real hard to put the best and most positive thoughts into action. You know what, fuck you if you think that I think too much. You think too little. You place too little value on thought, then judge that because I don't follow suit that I'm somehow doing myself a disservice. How unimaginative. Those walls I speak of are one thing, but at least I didn't build them myself.

I'm sorry. I got a bit cross. Please forgive me. It's these walls, you see. I didn't build them, but they seem so big and tall and impenetrable. I've tried flying up to see if they can be escaped that way, when on the highest of highs. Wouldn't you just know it, there's chicken wire made out of platinum over the top. From a distance it looks like you can be free, but as you get closer you realise you're just peering through the little gaps in between the wire mesh. There's no way to break through, and it's soul-destroying to glimpse the wonders beyond the walls and know you are that close but cannot actually get out. I tend not to want to fly up there so much any more. It's depressing.

The walls are made from the toughest material that you could hope to try to break through; enslavement to money through debt, disenfranchisement, lack of opportunities, unresolved trauma, bad memories, disappointment and basic human entropy. Even as that sentence flows from my brain I am struck by how selfish it sounds, and how self-absorbed I am to be saying it. For a moment it seems like I'm just on a big downer, but the thing is, the walls are there regardless of how positive I'm feeling, thinking and acting. They're an ever-present, unmoving feature. They are inescapable.

These damn walls. Feels like I'm chipping away with a blunt chisel that could break at any moment. Every time I stretch my wings and think about flying for a bit I'm a little more aware that my bones aren't so elastic any more, my feathers a little more tatty, and it is taking that much more effort to fly. I'm really tired. I shouldn't be so tired. I'm not old yet. It's these walls you see, they're sapping my will to go on, ever so gradually. I still believe in escaping, oh how I believe. I have just enough space to breathe for now but there will come a day when I will have bounced off the walls one too many times. The fear is rising.

It all comes down to one thing, one thought which holds me together when I'm slumped on the ground licking my wounds. It is such a short word, a simple thought perhaps, yet infinitely powerful. It is made of dreams and wishes, dragged out of the sum total of a few decades of ups and downs and highs and lows. Sometimes it feels like the last string on the fraying rope of my sanity, sometimes it fills every conscious thought with waves of ecstasy before settling back down, but it is always present. It sustains me in spite of myself. It is why I can never, ever give up. It is why I'm still alive, it is how I will finally escape these retched walls. It is salvation..

It is hope.

Copyright ©2018 Richard C. Greenlow. All rights reserved.

Particeps Tua

I know you..

You used to be so different. You were sleepwalking through life for so long, with just occasional moments of waking that were so awful you went right back to sleep again, until a day came when you awoke to realise you can sleepwalk no longer. That was the day that everything changed. Oh what a day, of fear and rapture in equal measure!

Somehow you knew things would never be the same. Pandora's box was opened though, any way you cut it, and it just took a while for your brain to catch up to the reality of your new situation. The familiar walls of perception you used to rely upon to compartmentalise everything into were gone. So many things you'd decided were facts, stuff you were taught to believe all your life, suddenly all realised as fairy tales and lies. You awoke from silent slumber into an emerging nightmare..

I know how you felt at that moment, reeling from the enormity of that complex web of deceit, having the whole carpet tugged out from under you like that. But remember the massively freeing feeling when you climbed out of your cage, when the missing puzzle pieces swam into view on the horizon where previously there had been just a fog in the distance? I know you thought about climbing back inside that cage, but there truly is no going back my dear friend. What is seen in truth and light can never be unseen.

How those days were lonely. How you trod the depths of a despair you never thought possible. But you must remember what it was that caused you to rise up from those depths. It wasn't a return to shallow comforts, to that former world where everything was reasonably certain and comfortable but so terribly limited and fake. It was the rising awareness of truth, its light slowly warming your soul from the very core and spreading outwards to every part of your being. It was answers to burning questions, that you didn't even think to ask before, suddenly becoming available in the unlikeliest of places. It was the dawning of your real life.

Know that you don't have to explain your internal struggle to me. I'll always be here to listen, but never feel you have to explain anything. As unique and complex and meandering as your journey has been I know of that journey. I feel your pain. Many times you've climbed up high only to fall, many times they've raised you up only to cuss you down. You've had moments where you've wanted to settle for the numbness of resignation to that state somewhere between sadness and apathy, but that's not you my dear. You're not meant to stay that way. You're meant for far greater things..

You deserve to feel the quiet exaltation that is only gained by breaking out of the prison of your former life, doing all the hard work of conquering your fears and addressing your weaknesses, and choosing to walk on the less travelled road. You've earned the right to a voice and to be heard. Never be scared to use your voice. If they ever try to silence you then shout and scream if you have to, or let me shout for you. I'll be your mouthpiece and I will never let them quieten your thunder. You are wonderful and you are powerful, and they are fearful and they are weak. You will win!

I know the road is long because I walk it with you. I'm beside you, through the twists and turns and bumps and pitfalls, over the hills and through the valleys. I'm not going anywhere without you my dear friend. I'll never leave you behind, and should you take a wrong turn I will gently try to guide you back onto this road. I know you'll find your way back, one way or the other. You'll never be lonely my dear. Even if you turn away, know that I'm always going to be nearby, patiently waiting for you. It's so much nicer to walk this road beside you than to traverse it alone.

I know you so well. You're thinking, "how can I change the world, I can't even change my own life.."

But you can, my dear friend. You can change your life. Any time, any moment, you can change it all just by thinking differently and believing it can be different. Believe in better. Believe it and you will see it! Let your belief change the world. Be the change you want to see in the world. Take small steps. Eventually, those small steps lead to big changes. This is truth, and it is untouchable.

Belief is everything my dear friend. Believe in truth and light and love. Live your life in truth, let the light in and enjoy it's warmth, and use love as your currency. And I'll be here, right beside you, believing in you and with you. Your companion. Always.



Copyright ©2018 Richard C. Greenlow. All rights reserved.

Wishful Thinking

Forgive me, but I'm having a moment..

Why does life have to be so hard? I pay my dues. I strive. I try so hard every moment of every day to keep it real, to be mindful of my faults and forgiving of my weaknesses, to be of service, to be good to people, to accept how things are and deal with them - but it's not enough. I still feel like a failure, even when nothing has happened to trigger such a feeling. It's as though all this hard work is just not enough..

Thing is, I have no choice but to keep on trying. Shit, let's face it, I've tried all the alternatives and they didn't work. Not caring, well that one lasts about five minutes. Far too much empathy in this soul. Far too highly sensitive to even attempt to isolate myself from feelings. Getting lost in the oblivion of self-medication is no answer either. I already know the drugs don't work, spent far too much time in that self-defeating mode. No, once you emerge from that life there is no going back..

Anyway, who am I to elevate my struggles above those of others? Is this just self-pity, or a reasonable outpouring? I can't keep it all in all the time, and I can't let it all out all the time either. I can't seem to win. I can't give up, won't give up, ever - but I am totally struggling to maintain each and every moment. Much of the time I feel as far from good as it is possible to be without being confined to four walls and just shutting down completely. Of course I'm carrying on regardless, there is simply no other way, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. Life is unfair, the world is cruel and unjust and I am just fucking sick of it all right now. And there you have it. Sorry, not sorry..

I wish I had the comfort of magical thinking to cushion me from the punches and kicks that life is throwing my way. I wish I believed in an omnipotent sky god who is up there looking out for me, holding me when I'm so ragged that I can't stand any human touch. I wish I believed in a preordained path to life, with nice little signs to light the way forward. I wish I could pray for some relief and feel lighter. Some things are true whether you believe in them or not, but some things aren't true no matter how much you want to believe in them..

Moment to moment, I'm treading water. I'm not drowning any more, that's for sure, and with some exertion I'm able to keep my head above water, as long as the waters don't get too choppy. But when the darkness inside rises and I can't keep a lid on it, and it leaches out like toxic slime, I feel myself dissociate and become helpless to prevent the poison touching others, and deep inside my soul another fracture is created. They don't deserve to be poisoned. I wish I wasn't poisonous..

The answers are in therapy, in talking it out with one who has unconditional positive regard, one who is objective and knows nothing of me and my shit. I could start today if I had money, but I simply do not have the means. Instead I wearily trudge this treadmill like an obese man with a serious heart condition, knowing I have to do the exercise but fearfully aware that I can't keep it up forever or do too much because my heart will collapse. To the system, I am a name on a waiting list of many, not a priority because I'm not holding a gun to my head and screaming that I'll blow my brains out if they don't help me. I wish they could see how destructive this all is..

I wish, I wish, I wish. Wishful thinking. No basis in reality for these wishes, a waste of thinking time. Except in this dark moment, through these tears of self-pity, by the scream that emanates from the very depths of my soul, I just need to vent. I'm only human. I am just a man. I'm momentarily floored by the magnitude of the things that have brought me to this point, the suffering that my internal battle is causing to those I hold so very dear, the unfairness of having to wait so long for help, and the fear of the monumental effort required ahead to get through this huge impasse. I hope I haven't scared you off, dear readers. It's harsh and it all seems very negative, but it is just one moment. This too shall pass..

And strangely, somehow, I feel a little better.

Copyright ©2018 Richard C. Greenlow. All rights reserved.

Inner Sense

I'm looking for a way

To calm these voices in my head

With all this mad confusion

I don't want to leave this bed

I'm on the run

I'm on the run again

And I don't know which way is left

And there's no point in not being right

So I'll hold my breath 'til the morning

'Till I see the light

I'm on the run

I'm on the run again

From me

I'm drowning in these feelings

And it's scaring me to death

Staring at the ceiling

So many things I could have said

I'm on the run

I'm on the run again

And I don't know which way is left

And there's no point in not being right

So I'll hold my breath 'til the morning

'Til I see the light

So, so many times

So many signs

You're out there waiting

I should have known you're out there waiting ooh

And I don't know which way is left

And there's no point in not being right

So I'll hold my breath 'til the morning

'Til I see the light

I'm on the run

I'm on the run again

From me

- 'On The Run' by Natalie Imbruglia

Lesson 101 of the human condition - we are all completely alone within ourselves, our lives are the sum total of our personal experience of the world and the people in it, and in the end the only person we ever truly have to answer to, to justify our actions to, is ourselves.

Its funny, but I find both comfort and discomfort in this inalienable fact, which perhaps is a perfect reflection of what is is to be a human being. Unvarnished, when all is said and done and one is stripped down to the core of who one really is, how much do we even like ourselves? Steeped in the knowledge that practising self-love is essential in order to achieve and maintain a real sense of well-being, how am I really doing?

The roots of this particular tree lie in self-esteem. If we have high self-esteem then we tend to be naturally self-assured, confident and content with who we are. One who has no issues with their self-esteem will tend to see life through the prism of hope and have a positive outlook far more easily than one who suffers with low self-esteem. For the latter, it is orders of magnitude harder to be hopeful and positive. So far, so simple..

I suffer with low self-esteem, the reasons for which are multifaceted and complex, and this is neither the time nor the place to enter into a discussion of such. Despite this undoubtedly huge impediment, I manage to keep positive and feel like I can keep going more often than I feel negative and feel like giving up. This is not because my psyche is free from troubling thoughts, issues, pain and problems that drag me down, but because I work my arse off every waking moment to fight negativity and maintain some sort of equilibrium. Even without the bipolar disorder, low self-esteem and high-functioning anxiety I know this process to be essential to human happiness. It's all just a question of degrees of difficulty.

Sometimes though, things feel utterly bleak. There are dark moments, usually blessedly short in duration, where my soul is just screaming out for relief from the torture of being me..

Completely alone

In a room filled with family

Knowing all is well

Yet wanting to scream out

Wearing a fake smile

So nobody asks what’s wrong

Trying to relax

When pain oozes from every pore

Holding your nerve

Despite the impending doom

R. C. Greenlow

[04/04/2018]

There are inverse moments of clarity, wonder and almost inexplicable joy where I feel higher than any drug could ever get me, where things that previously seemed impossible suddenly become possible, where creativity and light and love shine so bright that I think I might explode with the sheer excitement and raw rapture that I feel!

What is for certain though, is that neither the lows nor the highs represent a normal state of being, that is to say that they are brief, fleeting moments that pass pretty quickly. 'Normal' is everything in between. It may have taken me until now, my early-40's, but inside my head I am pretty much okay. I have my cross to carry - my issues - and obviously the mental health nature of these issues means that sometimes I feel pretty far from okay, but generally speaking I know I am okay because I can think myself through and out of the darkest times, and I can enjoy the highest highs without my feet lifting off the ground so far that I can't get safely back down again. I am told that some people spend lifetimes trying to achieve this state within themselves, and that many never achieve it at all, so I don't doubt my achievement.

"The kindest thing you can do for yourself is to be the person you would most like to spend the rest of your life with." - Heather K. O'Hara

We seem to spend so much time on external factors in life, and by comparison so little time addressing our inner thoughts and feelings. We see achievement in material terms, and society puts that lifestyle up on a pedestal like it is all that really matters, but if things are broken and malfunctioning within then all the money and finery in the world will not help us, indeed, it will likely assist us only in self-destruction. If we spent an equivalent amount of time and energy invested in our emotional well-being to that which we spend on ambition and the accumulation of wealth how things would change, and change quickly. We need to realise that embracing our inner selves, the light and the dark side, is fundamental to understanding and improving our lives.

So where are you with all this? How much time, if any, do you spend or feel you need to spend on dealing with your inner self? I know there to be people around for whom it seems to come so easily to be content, amenable and positive, and I see people who seem to be permanently unhappy, and totally negative. I also know there are those who feel they are constantly failing to hit the mark, despite all efforts to improve their lot, and that there are some who are self-assured to a fault, massively overconfident and frankly borderline narcissistic. The goal of being at peace within ourselves is best served by striving for a balance between the light and the darkness. We have to embrace both, learn how to experience the highs and lows in a healthy way, and allow ourselves to take up permanent residence in the safety of the centre ground of our souls.

As for me, I shan't pretend to be a master. I have so much work to do to get beyond my issues that it sometimes scares me rigid to think of how I will manage it all, whilst simultaneously keeping on doing the essential daily work of self-analysis that facilitates my growth. It's going to involve pain and sorrow, that's for sure, but I have complete faith that the relief from my current angst and the massive benefits to my general well-being are more than worth it, and that's before I even get to the sense of inner contentment that will be achieved. Bottom line, it's so worth it - because I'm worth it!

And you know something else? You're worth it too.

"Sorrow prepares you for joy. It violently sweeps everything out of your house, so that new joy can find space to enter. It shakes the yellow leaves from the bough of your heart, so that fresh, green leaves can grow in their place. It pulls up the rotten roots, so that new roots hidden beneath have room to grow. Whatever sorrow shakes from your heart, far better things will take their place." - Rumi



On the Run lyrics © BMG Rights Management US, LLC, Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd., Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Universal Music Publishing Group

Copyright ©2018 Richard C. Greenlow. All rights reserved.

Perseverance

He opens his eyes in the half-light, yawning and rubbing the sleep from his eyes. As he spends his first few waking moments getting accustomed to the omnipresent adrenaline in his chest, the gulls outside cry their morning chorus like a lamentation. A cold breeze which belies the season siphons through the room, raising the hairs on his arms and heightening his senses..

In the occasional comfort of his head he believes he has things pretty much figured out - the traumas and failings of the past that have led him to this state of perpetual high anxiety, the tools and techniques and therapies that will be his deliverance from the weight of the pain that seeks to stop him from growing, the nature of the keys to the locks on his life. He is reaching for those keys, grasping desperately, yet still his flailing hands are met with cold walls of silence, as the waiting continues and the creeping intensity of his angst bubbles up from within.

The cold blue flames of his impotent rage at the injustice of it all feed back into his consciousness like a self-fulfilling prophecy. He shakes off the feelings of dread and fear that always accompany the start of a new day as best he can, quietly assessing his mood and summoning up all the reserves of willpower he can muster. He knows he must paint on his brave face, his warpaint, if he is to win the battle today. He hopes to find strength and some comfort in his resolve, but the batteries are low..

There's no time for self-pitying contemplation of the unfairness of the circumstances that led to his predicament. There's no space for the lost little boy who always buried his head in the sand, for that little boy drowned when the tide came in. Things change and the world moves on, and that is exactly what he knows he must do if he is to thrive. He's been just surviving all his life and reached the point where survival, in and of itself, is simply not enough to sustain him. He wants to thrive. He needs to thrive. And he certainly feels he has earned the right to thrive.

He is craving the next stage of his life, crying out for freedom from the spirit-crushing pain of bad memories and buried trauma. Every day the claws of self-doubt and guilt scratch at his soul like an insidious waking nightmare. He is tired of the monster, tired of having to deal with the fight, flight or freeze instinct that serves absolutely no purpose, tired of moments of anger that pass him by as if he were a bystander watching in slow-motion, tired of the self-doubt and recrimination complex. Most of all, he is just so tired of feeling completely emotionally exhausted.

In the early hours of each day he finds solace. There is peace and quiet, space to breathe. He grits his teeth, flexes his muscles and steals himself for another day. There will be good, wholesome, healthy, happy moments to come. He will find joy in simple things. He will share love and laughter with his nearest and dearest. Hopefully, these moments will outweigh the burden of his pain today. He will remind himself there is much suffering out there in the world, many who have far worse to deal with, and also that the promise of a life in which he can truly thrive is real and close.

After all, he didn't come this far and do all this work to give up now.

"Permanence, perseverance and persistence in spite of all obstacles, discouragements, and impossibilities: It is this, that in all things distinguishes the strong soul from the weak." - Thomas Carlyle



Copyright ©2018 Richard C. Greenlow. All rights reserved.

Resistance Is Futile

How could we resist it, a life like this?
Dramatised and twisted with every kiss
And in the far-off distance, our fading memory
The simple co-existence of you and me

Just looking at you
You're out of control
You're always talking (How can we?)
That look on your face
You're out of your mind
You're always talking (How can we?)

You lie through your teeth
You scratch underneath
You're all but empty (How can we?)
Just looking at you
You're out of control
You're always talking (How can we?)

Don't rely on his reflection, it'll come undone
The hurt of his rejection won't be the only one
Thank you for showing me who you are
When all that we have left now is wounds and scars

Just looking at you
You're out of control
You're always talking (How can we?)
That look on your face
You're out of your mind
You're always talking (How can we?)

You lie through your teeth
You scratch underneath
You're all but empty (How can we?)
Just looking at you
You're out of control
You're always talking (How can we?)

- Resist by Kosheen


Many of us are brave warriors inside. We have to be. Life is basically a series of battles. We have to constantly work on our awareness, being mindful of what is right and wrong for ourselves and others, as problems present themselves and challenges arrive. In a previous piece I highlighted the fact that we live in a pain avoiding culture, where quick-fix solutions to complex problems are heralded as the answer, but that in taking these 'shortcuts' we fail to learn the inherent lessons involved in the endurance of necessary and legitimate suffering in life. There is something vital, essential, that we must employ if we are to become better at this process - the tool of discipline.

Being self-disciplined is fundamental to living life well and facing the problems in life. If we are to have integrity, let alone a shot at reaching our true potential, then applying self-discipline to how we think and act is essential. There are four main parts to discipline; delaying gratification - a way of scheduling the pleasure and pain in life so that we get the pain over with first in order to maximise the pleasure, taking responsibility - grabbing hold of the problems we face and accepting that it is us and only us that can solve them, dedication to truth - accepting and understanding that we have our internal map of reality and that it constantly needs revising and updating to reflect the changing nature of the world around us, and balancing - striking a delicate balance (and then restriking it) between conflicting needs, goals, duties, responsibilities, directions, etc.

What an awful lot of hard work. No wonder then that some of us balk at the idea of living life this way, of approaching life with this level of self-scrutiny and willingly suffering the pain and difficulty involved in it. Far easier to choose our old comforts and stick to our old ways of thinking, right? Fair enough, it is understandable to want to go that way. As long as we don't want to learn and change at all, that is. Sometimes we get on the path to growth and go some way along it, but hit the sudden realisation of just how much change is required. The enormity of what we must do, and keep doing, to maintain change and growth overcomes the realisation of the amazing benefits to be gained. We doubt our ability or capacity for change, we decide we are not ready or that we have come far enough, ultimately we feel the huge weight of the fear of change.

“Courage is not the absence of fear; it is the making of action in spite of fear, the moving out against the resistance engendered by fear into the unknown and into the future.”
― M. Scott Peck

Resistance to change happens out of a fear of the unknown. We can often notice faulty thinking in others, wonder why they continue to use such faulty thinking when there are obviously better ways to approach a problem, and yet not notice similar faulty thinking in ourselves. It is vital to remember that the fault is usually to do with a lack of self-awareness, not some deficiency of ability. It's far easier to see other people's foibles than it is to accept and deal with our own. We carry on with our faulty thinking, and acting on thoughts that are not really working for us (or others) because these ways of thinking are comfortable and we don't have to do any work to think that way, and because we lack courage. We avoid the fear factor involved in real change, in doing things differently, and we don't have to plum the depths of our souls to find the will to affect real change - we don't need to be brave.

Thing is, we have to find bravery within ourselves if we want to deal with our fear of the unknown. We have to accept the risk of failure, the likelihood that we will slip and fall often on the road to positive change, and the fact that we must give up on comforting but growth-stifling ways of thinking. Giving up involves a lot of pain - it is perhaps the greatest pain in human experience - but it is a fundamental requirement of emotional/spiritual growth to accept and endure the process of giving up on that which holds us back, in order that we can revise our internal maps, renewing ourselves ready for the challenges that lie ahead. I've said it before and I'll say it again - life is all endings and beginnings. Something has to end in order to make way for a new beginning.

"For all that is given up, even more is gained.  Self discipline is a self enlarging process.  Death of the old is the birth of the new."
- M. Scott Peck

There is comfort to be found in all this my friends. Suspend your need for instant gratification and quick results, born of whatever influences that have lead you to believe that such shortcuts really exist, and you will find solace in the certain knowledge that with positive change comes an incredible, all-encompassing feeling that is almost impossible to describe - of true accomplishment, of renewed self-confidence, of hope for the future. Your positivity will affect others for the better, infecting every part of your life with a magical kind of 'trickle-down effect'. When we are winning the hardest battles in life we are becoming stronger, our armour growing thicker and our knowledge of the battlefield growing exponentially.

Never underestimate your capacity to change for the better, and how infectious positive change is in the world. Resistance is futile!


Resist lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

Copyright ©2018 Richard C. Greenlow. All rights reserved.

Poetry Corner III

In our journey through life, especially in the earlier stages, there are moments of clarity so incredibly unique and wonderful, in which we seem to transcend our thinking and the boundaries of our imagination and truly take leaps forward. In short order, the moment is over and we usually simply 'snap back' into our familiar mode of operation. What joy then, if we had the presence of mind to somehow record moments like these!

One such moment for me, which occurred back in 1999, when I was 23 years old and just at the start of my journey into therapy for depression and anxiety, is recorded in the form of a poem. It has always shone out like a beacon among the many pages of poetry I have written over the years, and in revisiting it now I am reminded of why it is so important. It seems that every few years I have gone back to this one, and that each time it has held new significance and made more sense.

“Poetry is the journal of the sea animal living on land, wanting to fly in the air. Poetry is a search for syllables to shoot at the barriers of the unknown and the unknowable. Poetry is a phantom script telling how rainbows are made and why they go away.” - Carl Sandburg, from The Atlantic, March 1923.

Higher State Of Mind

Here I stand on my dream!

The brush beneath my feet, in arid sun-baked reedy knolls,

Ignites a tremble that rises to my knees, as the glory of the land unfolding

Below envelops me with the glow of life and death.

A carcass of a zebra in the distance catches my glazed eye with stark clarity

Against the backdrop of this aurora I cannot take in.

The breeze through the trees echoes of survival of the fittest,

And I question with two tenths of my brain what it means to be free

When, earlier, I flew along the canyon of the great Sahara

And experienced how it feels to be free as the eagle which inhabits the skies,

I was hastily reminded of the pain I have left so far behind me,

To the other side of this place I call home away from all I have known before.

Two days ago I’d have been in a state of mind excluding me from people,

Today I am in my elemental state!

I am as free from the limitations of my body as the rolling clouds

That stretch north, south, east and west and above and below me.

As far as I can see is further than you are from me..

Somewhere beyond the restraints of my mind I have transformed.

I have no need to seek new answers to old questions any more,

That notion of love and hate is an example of the unwritten truth of lies.

Holding you was the only freedom close to this I had ever experienced,

Until it was time for the cycle of raw emotions and pain to come back again.

Did I dream too soon, or was it the silver spoon that fed me as a child?

The memories flash back into the star that died millions of years ago.

To look down now and see the life to which I laid myself bare to emotions,

And obeyed the search for solutions to a situation I created for myself..

But no regrets reverberate back to me from this vantage point in the sky,

I am as free as Niagara to fall back to Earth to groom my soaking feathers.

When last I ate it was the trees with whom I shared conversation.

They all agreed it’s high time I stopped and went back to the root of it all,

To take stock of the past and rejuvenate myself for the future with hope,

So I sat and smoked, and thanked them for their advice, and hoped to return.

My dear friend, I wonder what you’re doing right now as I am running

Through the grass plains and forest alongside the rivers and lakes,

My reflection from the waterside holds my gaze as I transform into mist

To glide the aquatic dimensions below, to remember all I have been taught.

By the hand of the gods this place was created for me,

With just a certain combination of chemicals sprinkled in like spices

To open up the astral, unweave the web of human deceit and delusion,

And take me from the dissatisfaction of being locked forever in my cradle.

I have to close my eyes when the vision threatens to engulf me,

As I stand again on the shore of the coast and the sun bakes my back.

I feel the warmth ebb away after a sudden click that faltered in my head,

And my vision blurs and stutters with that familiar discomforting swirling.

Thank you for being a friend to me when I started this journey into myself,

And for all the love that you had for me when I was the shadow on the wall.

I can see all that you represented to the dislocated mind I have left behind..

I leave behind what you are, and remember when we could not be apart.

That ancient expectation has become an unforced smile on my salted lips,

The dry tears streaked across my cheek show you why I have departed.

Next week I’ll go somewhere different so that I can experience it again..

I hold on to the power of the tenths of my brain that I know how to use.

R. C. Greenlow

[23.05.1999]

Higher State Of Mind Copyright ©1999 R. C. Greenlow.

Copyright ©2018 Richard C. Greenlow. All rights reserved.

Word Up

"Talk is cheap."
"Words don't mean much."
"Actions speak louder than words."

It may seem odd for a writer, one for whom the written word is so important, to be in agreement with the sentiment behind these thoughts, but I am. At least, on face value. Talk is indeed cheap, but that is only half the story. Talk is cheap when it is not followed swiftly by action. Words, in and of themselves, often do not mean a great deal. We all, to a greater or lesser extent, make throwaway comments and use words and phrases without really thinking about their full implications, or having a complete understanding of their often multiple meanings. Actions do, without doubt, often speak louder than words. Even the words of the finest writers of all time are limited in their power if they are not applied to some form of constructive or creative action.

What I fundamentally disagree with though is the premise that words cannot change the world. Perhaps alone they cannot create change per se, but I absolutely believe that the written word, when presented coherently, read with diligence and pondered upon with intellect, can really change our thinking and therefore be converted into action that can ultimately affect real change in the world. It is only our individual limitations; of literacy and intellect, of capacity for understanding using logic and reason, of ability to think beyond various biases, and the awareness of and determination to surpass the inherent flaws in the human condition, that stop good words becoming positive action.

I write a good deal on overcoming the difficulties and facing the challenges of mental illness, and on how one can 'evolve' to be a better person by changing one's thinking on things. Despite my knowledge of a wide array of tools, techniques and methods to achieve positive change in my life, all of which are truly 'tried and tested', I can still come unstuck and fail to live up to my potential in a heartbeat, on a daily basis. It is far too easy to fall into this trap of not practising what I preach. The process of affecting and maintaining positive change - personal, emotional/spiritual growth - requires constant work. Without accepting that one must be permanently doing this work, and applying oneself to the task all the time, one quickly stops growing. Stagnation is quick to take hold, and soon after, reversion to negative thinking. Such is the spirit-draining strength of human entropy, and the magnitude of the imperative to combat it.

If we talk the talk, but do not walk the walk - if our patter is grand but we have no follow-through - we are not living a genuine life. We are faking it. 'Fake it until you make it' is something I hear mooted as an actual valid method of achieving positive change. I am sure that, to some degree, appearing confident, optimistic and competent can help a person to start to build themselves up. However, this is at best a limited short-term measure. There is, as ever, no shortcut to long-term personal growth, and the importance of striving to be genuine in our thinking about ourselves and the rest of the world cannot be overstated. It is extraordinarily rare to be able to separate people into one of two types, but in this matter you really can. There are genuine people, and there are fake people. I know which camp I choose to be a part of.

All this talk of hard work, difficult thinking and taking on challenges can seem overwhelming. Sometimes I wonder if I am writing too much about how hard this all is and not enough about the massive benefits of doing the work. Even more often I find I am reeling from my own sense of personal failure - failure to live up to the model of growth I promote, failure to acknowledge and enjoy the benefits and rewards of the successes I achieve, failure to get past the negativity when mental ill-health gets the better of me - failure to properly practice what I preach. Sometimes all the knowledge and wisdom in the world cannot save us from the pain of the human condition and the suffering of mental illness. All I can do is accept that fact, practice forgiving myself, make my apologies to those I may have negatively affected, and keep on keeping on.

Words do mean a great deal in this world, to each of us personally, between people and to humanity as a whole. Words can and do change the world for the better. Sharing our knowledge and wisdom is a gift that makes us all richer. And, when it comes to affecting real, fundamental, lasting, positive change in the world - well, I agree with the words of a shining light who was a far wiser man than I am..

"Listen, the next revolution will be a revolution of ideas." - Bill Hicks



Copyright ©2018 Richard C. Greenlow. All rights reserved.

Salvation

"Listen, the next revolution is gonna be a revolution of ideas." - Bill Hicks

As a species, the journey that humanity is undoubtedly on, given our more recent history and the current status quo, leads in only one direction - straight off the edge of a cliff. The ruinous path that the world's ruling elite have set us all upon is paved with gold (for them) whilst the rest of us meander along, often blissfully unaware that all that glitters is indeed not gold.

This isn't a political piece. Its not dystopian fiction either. Yet I am painfully aware that I will already have lost a good number of readers purely on the content of my opening sentence. For many, the perceived reality of the world and the actual state of things do not align. Such is the nature of the mass manipulation by the plutocrats who set the narratives, and the power that their backers in the mainstream media and politics hold by spreading and spinning those narratives, and the strength of our natural, inbuilt, human resistance to change.

I humbly but strongly advise the reader who hasn't already switched off at this point to have a read of one or two articles by the incredibly insightful Caitlin Johnstone, particularly this piece and this one too. She sums up the situation we all face far more eloquently and succinctly than I can.

So, for those who are 'awake', who see through the smoke and mirrors and crave a better way of life for humanity, for all the dreamers out there brave enough to rise above the stigma of daring to dream - what the hell are we to do? How do we move forward from sharing the power of the words that communicate our vision to actioning real change in the world?

It is salvation that we seek. We aren't going to find it in existing institutions, that's for sure. If we cling to the doctrines of religion or politics, two of the most prominent of these institutions, then we cannot move forward. Despite our manipulated and biased account of history, it should be clear to us by now that all the old institutions have been failing for a long time. What is truly needed is radical wholesale reform or replacement of the institutions that we base our beliefs, ideals and values on.

“Folks, it's time to evolve. That's why we're troubled. You know why our institutions are failing us, the church, the state, everything's failing? It's because, um – they're no longer relevant. We're supposed to keep evolving. Evolution did not end with us growing opposable thumbs. You do know that, right? There's another 90 percent of our brains that we have to illuminate.” - Bill Hicks

Resistance to change is strong in humans. Our natural proclivity towards entropy, our tendency to shy away from the hard work of changing our thinking, leads us to a short-sightedness and state of cognitive dissonance that is intellectually and spiritually destructive. Add to that mix the temptations of money and power and we have the recipe for the world in which we now find ourselves. For those who struggle to get past the idea that real change is but a utopian dream, those who stayed with me so far reading this but have now got to the end of their patience, my esteemed fellow blogger Caitlin Johnstone has written a great piece which may well be of assistance.

Even if we don't believe that real, tangible, visible, systemic change can be achieved in our lifetimes, we absolutely owe it to our children and subsequent generations to do this hard work now. When I say we need 'radical' change I don't mean violent or chaotic, but I do mean the kind of fundamental and systematic change that will undoubtedly shake society to the core. We can and are evolving as a species, away from the disastrously selfish and spiritually empty way of thinking that led us to the cliff edge, into a new age of enlightenment, towards a future where motivation by blind individualism, loyalty to shallow tribal affiliations and acceptance of religious and political dogma become the lessons of the past, rather than the status quo.

I leave you with the words of one of the finest dreamers who ever voiced his opinions..

"The world is like a ride in an amusement park, and when you choose to go on it you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. The ride goes up and down, around and around, it has thrills and chills, and it's very brightly coloured, and it's very loud, and it's fun for a while. 

Many people have been on the ride a long time, and they begin to wonder, "Hey, is this real, or is this just a ride?" And other people have remembered, and they come back to us and say, "Hey, don't worry; don't be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride." And we … kill those people. "Shut him up! I've got a lot invested in this ride, shut him up! Look at my furrows of worry, look at my big bank account, and my family. This has to be real." It's just a ride. But we always kill the good guys who try and tell us that, you ever notice that? And let the demons run amok … 

But it doesn't matter, because it's just a ride. And we can change it any time we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings of money. Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one. Here's what we can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money we spend on weapons and defences each year and instead spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would pay for many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, forever, in peace."
- Bill Hicks

Copyright ©2018 Richard C. Greenlow. All rights reserved.